h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: h2g2 Writer's Group - A792632
Author: Das Mouldy Sandwich - U179945

These are the first two chapters of a story I have started to write but I want to have some feedback on what everyone thinks of it so far. I am very sorry if this story is set out totally wrong but I am brand new here and still slightly muddled.

Chapter One

It was a bitter cold night in Valilo. The village in the valley was silent apart from the trickling of the small river that ran through it. The palace of Rosdem sat on the hill above the village, portraying an image of solidity and strength. In a room on the northern side of the palace a candle flickered on a table. Lorcán looked at the dimly lit sheet of parchment in front of him. ‘Tomorrow night,’ he said. ‘Tomorrow night I will kill him and soon everybody will be under my rule!’
There was a man standing next to the door who stepped forwards towards Lorcán. He was a short man dressed in grubby, grey clothes with a dark green cloak that reached the floor. He had a thin, dirty, rat-like face reflecting the many evil deeds that he had done in his life so far. ‘It is time that the king is disposed of. But what, my lord, will become of the princess?’
‘It is all planned Bendivere. She is to be killed; but not straight away. If she was killed tomorrow with the king, there would be too much suspicion amongst the people. We will bide our time and when the moment comes…we strike!’ With the final word Lorcán stabbed his knife hard into the centre of the sheet of parchment.
‘How clever my lord.’
‘But no word must be breathed of our plan. The princess must not realise the true nature of her father’s death. She must be made to believe that it was due to his illness.’
‘Yes my lord.’ There was an uncomfortable pause while Bendivere waited for his master to continue. No reply came. ‘Do you have any longer need of me sire?’ he asked nervously.
‘No,’ Lorcán said curtly. Bendivere left the room quietly. When the heavy oak door had been shut Lorcán picked up the goblet of strong, red wine that sat on the table. He sipped the liquid and replaced it gently. He looked up slowly, pushing back his long black hair and looked at the darkness that stood outside the window. He smiled wickedly at the thought that he would soon be the ruler of the whole kingdom. A wolf howled from the darkness and Lorcán decided that it was time to retire for the night. He blew out the candle and his room was plunged into darkness like the rest of Valilo.


Chapter Two

The sun slowly crept over the horizon and shed a ray into a room on the south side of the palace. It fell onto the beautiful face of Princess Belladonna. Her face was an oval shape and was the colour of ivory. Her cheeks were rosy and her lips were soft. Her long, flowing brown hair was spread in every direction upon her pillow. She stirred as the sun rested upon her figure and slowly began to open her eyes. She gracefully sat up in bed and looked at the idyllic scene outside the palace. The village of Dumia gradually started to come to life. Children in their simple, home sewn clothes started to run about the streets, shouting as they played games. Adults started to work and the rhythm of the village was continued from the day before, and the day before that and the…
There was a knock on the chamber door which brought Belladonna back to the palace. ‘Enter,’ she called in a voice that was complimented by everybody that heard it. The door glided open and a maid walked in.
‘Breakfast is going to be ready soon my lady. Your father will be unable to join you I am afraid, but Prince Lorcán will be there. Do you wish to get dressed Princess?’
‘Yes please Ancilla.’ Even though Belladonna was a princess she was polite to anybody that she met. Princess Belladonna got out of bed and walked over to where all her dresses were kept. She gazed at them for a few minutes and then decided on a long, blue one. It had long sleeves with small puffs at the shoulders and had an embroiled design around the bodice. She went behind a wooden changing screen with Ancilla and after a while she appeared back round wearing the dress that she had previously been holding. There was another knock at the door. ‘Enter,’ Belladonna called again. The door opened slowly and a man in his early twenties stood in the open doorway. ‘Avdon! What news is there from my father?’ the princess exclaimed. The man walked slowly into the room but with an evident spring in his step.
‘There has been a great improvement in the night Princess, many are saying that it is starting to leave his body but others warn that he may still deteriorate. He sends his love and reminds you to visit him after breakfast.’ Belladonna was grinning from ear to ear.
‘Thank you Avdon. You are dismissed.’ The servant turned and walked out of the door and travelled back to his master’s chamber.
‘That is fantastic my lady. I am sure the king will be well very soon. There is no real need to worry anymore.’
‘Yes Ancilla. It is brilliant news. I can not wait to see him.’
‘But you must go to breakfast first my lady.’
‘Yes. Bring me my pair of blue shoes. The ones with the large buckle, please.’ Ancilla curtsied and went to the home of the princess’s shoes and got what Belladonna required. Then she walked back over to the princess who was sitting on her bed and put the shoes onto her mistress. ‘Thank you Ancilla. Would you please go and fetch my brush.’ Ancilla picked up the brush from a table and started to brush the princess’s hair. After she had finished Belladonna stood up. ‘Thank you. I will be going to breakfast now. You are not required to come.’
‘Very well my lady. I will stay here.’ her servant replied. Belladonna nodded and then exited the room; leaving Ancilla to make the bed and complete her daily chores.

‘Good morning Princess,’ said Lorcán as Belladonna walked into the breakfast dinning room.
‘Good morning Cousin,’ Belladonna replied as she sat down in a wooden chair at the relatively small table.
‘Did you sleep well?’ Lorcán asked. The cousins did not have a close relationship; in fact it was a relationship governed by jealousy. Lorcán hated not being the heir to the throne; instead the heir was a girl of only sixteen. Belladonna knew of the way that Lorcán felt about her. The princess also had a strong dislike for her cousin due to the fact that he was a cruel man that did not respect nature or the people around him. When Lorcán was present in a room there was a certain chill that affected the spine of every person – except for Bendivere who was as cruel as his master – and it was this chill that affected the young princess as she answered her cousin.
‘Very well, thank you.’ There was a silence between the two royals which neither of them felt obliged to break. It was Lorcán who eventually broke it.
‘How is the king this morning?’
‘Much better I am pleased to say. Some people think that the worst is finally over.’ Belladonna smiled pleasantly at her cousin.
‘I am very happy to hear it Cousin. You will go and see him after breakfast I presume?’
‘Yes. He is expecting me and I have no wish to disappoint him.’
‘Of course not.’ At this moment the food was brought to the two and they started to eat immediately. Their conversation did not continue; both of them using the food as an excuse to not talk.

***

Princess Belladonna walked into the chamber of her father. The king was sitting up in bed; a position that he had been unable do for several weeks. The echo of the princess’s shoes on the floor made the king turn his head. He smiled and said ‘Belladonna.’ She walked over to him and kneeled on the floor at the head of the bed. He moved slightly towards her in order for her to embrace him. He felt thin and frail in her arms but Belladonna could also feel a strength that had not been there the day before.
‘How are you Father?’ she asked.
‘Much, much better I am happy to say. I have not felt this well in weeks. Some of the people are saying that I may still deteriorate but they are wrong! I know that I am getting better and I can already feel the fresh summer air in my lungs for when I go riding with you!’
‘Why that is fantastic Father!’ his daughter ejaculated.
‘Yes Belladonna. It is.’ Father and daughter stayed silent for a few minutes but it was not an uncomfortable silence like the silence that Belladonna had experienced earlier but it was a time when the two of them were able to reflect on the previous months’ experiences of fright, pain and sorrow which both of them believed they would not have to experienced for a very long time. The peace of the situation was interrupted by a knock at the door. ‘Come in,’ said the king. The door opened rather hastily and Lorcán rushed in. He slowed down when he realised that his actions seem hurried. He walked slowly to the foot of the bed and looked at the king.
‘Is it true Uncle? Is it true that you have nearly recovered?’
‘Yes it is true Lorcán. I expect to be riding in a fortnight.’ Lorcán smiled as if he was pleased with the news but Belladonna looked into his eyes and saw a sign of frustration. She quickly turned her head back to her father who did not seem to have noticed the true feelings of his nephew.
‘Brilliant Your Majesty. I think I better leave. I am sure Belladonna wishes to be alone with you after such a hard time.’ There were no objections from the king so the prince left the room.
As soon as the door had closed after Lorcán the king let out a sigh of relief. ‘I know he is my nephew but yet there is something not quite right with that man.’
‘Your right Father. Did you see that look in his eyes? He has something planned and for some reason you being well gets in the way of what he wants to gain.’
‘Your right Belladonna. There is something going on and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. You’ll have to be careful my daughter.’
‘You even more so Father. You are much more important than I.’
‘I will be as careful as I can – even though I am confined to this bed!’
‘It is nothing to make a joke about! Lorcán could be planning something terrible.’
‘I know Belladonna. I will not joke again.’
‘Good.’
For the next half an hour the father and daughter talked about what was happening in the palace and Valilo. At the end of this time the king had become very tired. ‘I will leave you now Father. I can see that you need to have a rest. But promise me that you will send news in the morning of how you are.’
‘Of course. I will send Avdon.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’
‘Thank you. Goodbye Father.’
‘Goodbye Belladonna.’ The daughter kissed her father on the top of his head and left his room quietly. That was to be the last time she ever saw her father.

Hi Elizabeth and welcome to hootoo

I've had a quick read of this and the first thing that has struck me is that your falling into a common trap for many budding writers and that is your telling us about your characters actions and their physical position in way too much detail.
Your story is actually lost in amongst all the details. For example, we (the reader) have already established the relationship between the the King and Belladonna so instead of writing this:"For the next half an hour the father and daughter talked about what was happening in the palace and Valilo" you should be trying to for an easier style, a lighter way of saying what you want, something like this: They then spoke of the affairs of state and palace, or, For half an hour their discussion roamed over the events of the palace and Valilo.

There is of course a formality to royal life isn't there and I'm sure that the use of the formal 'Father' is ok, but how close is their relationship Elizabeth? Is it close enough, loving enough for Belladonna to call him Papa or something similar and he to call her Bella or a private personal name like, 'My little (insert a word here)'

There is a golden rule when story telling and that is: Show. Don't tell.
As simple as that,'show don't tell'.
Example of you telling instead of showing is...
"The palace of Rosdem sat on the hill above the village, portraying an image of solidity and strength."

Your telling us instead of showing us like this...'Sitting high above Valilo, the Palace Rosdem occupied a position of strength and solidity'...(you might want to describe it a bit more as well, before you go on with your story) turrets and towers struck skywards amidst the crenellated walls and frowning bulwarks all cunningly built of local stone.'
You of course would write this differently and so you should but here is a point where more detail assists your story and fills in the mind picture for your reader.
Pay attention to little things too like this:"apart from the trickling of the small river "
Now when does a river become a stream and when have you heard a river trickle?
I've heard a river trickle when it's in the middle of a drought and all but dried up. I've heard streams trickling through narrow ways and I've heard taps whose flow just trickles.
Here you have just told us a small river trickles through a valley. I think you should change at the very least the word "trickle', there are better words about than that to describe your small river(or is it a large stream that trickles through fen and rocky beds?)


Anyway I could go on and on but I wont(phew she says!),just try and remember to show us what is happening, don't tell us what is happening and I'm sure once you work out how to do this you will find your story sounding and reading much more like a story.
Read it aloud to yourself Elizabeth and see if it comes across as a bit stilted and formal.
I've just changed a bit of your story here to do a bit of 'showing' not telling.

'At the click of the heavy oak door shutting, Lorcan supped wine from a goblet and staring out into the darkness his thoughts touched upon the future he dreamed of; Ruler of all [?], King of [?]

What kingdom? Rosdem?

In the first paragraph as with other parts of your story you haven't really giving us enough information.
Your launching straight into parts of the story and we the readers are left to our own imaginations to make up the lack.

That's enough from me for the moment.

Cheers