h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

They also get indigestion, so you may want to make an investment in gross amounts of antacid. There's nothing quite so bad as dragon heartburn. Those commercials where people are breathing flames have nothing on dragons.

Just imagine, these creatures are producing fire ALL the time. WOuld you want a small stove in your belly? We recommend feeding baby dragons Pepto-Bismol rather than milk or formula, as it has the soothing qualities they need and is a lot closer to dragon's milk than anything produced by mammals.

Don't people recommend milk of magnesia, as well? I suppose they'll drink anything if given no choice, but what really do you think is best for your dragon? Are you willing to sacrifice for the best you can offer your dragon?

Remember, dragons are an Endangered Species. Surely a little sacrifice on your part is well worth it to keep this majestic breed from dying out completely.

Think of this as a tiny step towards your own salvation. Not only will you be receiving gratitude from your dragon, but you will also receive a monogrammed copy of Fidel Castro's prize sauerkraut.

And if you call now, shipping and handling and enough food to feed a medium sized dragon for a year are absolutely free!

Of course...*saidinveryfastquietvoice* all dragons are subject to size differentiations. A medium sized dragon is medium sized according to the DHBSR which is not the standardized dragon resource...

Don't forget, the Bureau of Standards is coming out with the comprehensive guide to standardizing dragons next month. No longer do you have to wonder about small versus meduim small dragons, or decide if a flame is truly able to be called hearty. With this handy dandy guide you'll KNOW!

But before you are qualified for this comprehensive standard, you must first register with the National Foundation of Dragon Keepers and join at least fourteen other nationally-approved dragon clubs.

And attend a certain number of officially sponsored events and earn at least 15 participation points before you can so much as look at a dragon.

When you've gained at least fifteen participation points, you may then consider looking at a dragon. At all times must you wear Ray-ban sunglasses, however.

And don't forge that sunscreen! You may be 93 million miels away from that sun, but you still get burned. Ordinary suntan lotion can protect you rron 85% of the dragon flame. The rest you're on your own for, Ms Responsible Dragon Owner that you are, oh yes, we know you're responsible. Wr;ve been watching you,. That government has a vested interest in the well being of dragons.

But, unless you're independently wealthy or think you can qualify for government subsidies, a dragon isn't the pet for you. Gallons of sunscreen get expensive after awhile. Of course, if you can afford that much sunscreen, take me, too...

And making sure you have the right dragon for your climate? You don't want to be living up north with a dragon that should be living in the heat. That poor thing will waste so much energy trying to keep warm that it's fire will practically go out. And the other way around, too. Those northern dragons produce so much heat on their own that if you take them outside when it's really hot they'll burn themselves up. Why do you think dragons lived in caves in the first place?

And I already know what you're thinking. Don't think that you can rent a climate-controlled storage building for your dragon in the off season. It just doesn't work that way. Think about all the trouble the critter could get into. And the lack of attention it would get! (How exactly did dragons get into this?)