h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You probably don't have a clue about the licensing involved in that, and the care that must be taken to protect the dragons. OSHSA has to take a week-long inspection of your facility. Nowadays, everyone thinks they're above the law and just skip the registration process. Do you want to spend your life running from the law for one measly dragon?

Oh, so now that dragon is like familly to you? These are wild animals, ma'am. I realize they can be treated with respect and care, but they can't be tamed. I'm sure "Little Rascal" over there woudn't dream of hurting a hair on your head, but what about when he grows up to be big rascal, and he sets fire to your house. He won't be quite so precious then, I'll bet!

He'll end up in a kill shelter with all of those collies and dalmations. Stupid monkeys, you think everything is your friend. When will you learn?

And then just think of the poor dogs in the shelter. Dragons have to be *trained* to get along with dogs. Do you think it would last a week in the shelter if it took offense to being caged with a bunch of mutts? And think of the poor dogs, not accustomed to dealing with dragons.

And the lizard's skin! You know how delicate dragons are, and the delousing process that is mandatory just KILLS their skin and there's no one to oil it. The dogs all laugh when the dragons get dry skin. How horrid.

What! You mean you haven't been oiling its skin! No wonder it's testy all the time! Have you ever had a sunburn? That's how those poor beasts feel naturally, and if you don't oil them regularly they'll feel it ALL the time.

Imagine being dragged behind a pickup truck on a hot beach. You're TORTURING that poor creature by not taking care of its skin! SATAN!

And I can imagine your bathroom. Face wash, lotion, more lotion, anti-wrinkle cream. And that's just in the morning. If you only spent a tenth of that time oiling your poor dragon you'd both be a lot better off!

Such selfishness. That poor dragon looks at that sunscreen and cries. He's begging for mercy. But will you listen?

If you can't be bothere to spend five bucks on your dragon, how can you possibly expect to keep it healthy all its life. And if you can't take that little bit of time for a poor innocent dragon, god only knows how your kids are going to turn out!

You're one of those horrible people that lets their dragon and probably your own KIDS watch the cleavage channels on TV. You're scarring your pet because you want to watch a bunch of broads with boobs bouncing around. He's going to end up in the animal shelter with a bunch of preconceived notions about sexuality that will never allow him to be completely rehabilitated. Shame, shame, shame...

Not to mention the fact that dragons don't even bear live young. That poor thing is going to be so confused when it's trying to find the best looking mammal dragon as a mate and other dragons are looking at scalinedd and flame intensity. That poor thing's going to be aching for plastic surgery and you know that it won't stop at just one little operation.

I sure hope your dragon's job is good enough to provide health insurance that covers psychiatric care, because it sounds like he's going to be a shoe-in for some sort of identity crisis...at least a nervous breakdown when someone more caring that you tells him the truth.

In fact, I'm going to write a letter to my congressman right now and urge him to begin a program to license dragons as pets and make sure the owners undergo a very thorough suitability test before they're even allowed to look at those creatures.

Your congressman? See that, you aren't even willing to take the most drastic steps you can to prevent dragon endangerment! What is a silly congressman going to do when the PRESIDENT can't even do anything about it...er, about...about...

Eh, with the way things are going if I pointed out the plight of dragons to our President he'd find some way to confiscate them from their rightful owners to send to Iraq as self propelled flame throwers. How does the SPCD feel about THAT?

The SPCD thinks that you should send the dragons to the Yellow House...

Yes, we always knew they had an odd sense of humor.

Maybe roasting marshmallows at barbecues will become a favorite past time.

I would imagine so. You just have to be careful how much charcoal you feed the dragons, because if they hiccup then your marshmallow goes up in flames.