h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Man, onions really make me cry. Every time I go to chop them up, fry them, whatever, I just fill up and tears stream down my face. I've tried chopping them with a glass of water in between me and the onions - I heard this would cure my wailing - but it just makes the chopping even more difficult, ending up with me crying, spilling the water, crying some more, cutting my fingers, throwing a fit, knocking the chopping board and all the onions on to the floor, me blindly picking them up off the floor resulting in hairy onions, me still crying. I feel a country song coming on...

Help.

Nice mental image there...

I'd always wondered whether that worked - obviously not.

The one thing I do when chopping onions which kinda works is to chop the ends off first (ie. the pointy ends), being a bit over-wasteful with how much you chop off, then quickly chuck those ends in a bin in another room. You can then chop the rest of the onion without crying too much. Apparantly most of the tear-enducing acid is in the end bits (well so someone told me).

I actually don't cry much when chopping onions. Maybe mine just aren't fresh enough. But I've heard that chewing gum should keep you from crying. You could try that one. Maybe it could even prevent you from singing a country song

Ha! Right, next time I'm going to chew gum and chop the ends off the onions! Thanks for that.

other tricks to use as counter-attacks on evil onions:

chop them beside a running water tap (possibly the same theory as the glass of water i.e that the tear-inducing vapour is very water soluble)

put a teaspoon in your mouth

I did have a friend once who wore a ski mask when chopping onions.


My own solution? Do without. I always reckoned onions were terribly over-rated.

Hm, maybe you should try chopping onions INSIDE a galss of water. If you don't have any glasses that are big enough for the purpose, try filling your sink (first clean all the dirty leftovers from last night's dinner-washing-up) with water, and chop inside. This should keep you eyes nice and dry

I find that tying a strip of toilet roll over your nose helps. It does make you look like a ninja though!

I'm going to do all of these with added touch that I'm going to chop my onions from now on in the deep end of my local municipal swimming baths.

Well be sure to let us all know if it works...

The official method for chopping onions is as follows...

Preparation of Environment:

1) If possible be in a well ventilated room - outside is extra good. Unless you are easily embarassed by the attention this can draw should you not have a garden.

2) Use as sharp a knife as you have - the finer the blade the less onions cells are 'annoyed'/'ruptured'

The Chopping Process:

1) Unsing your hands and a twisting motion, remove the onion beardy-bit at the root end. This just keeps the process beard free.

2) Chop off the top of the onion (the end that didn't have the roots hanging off)

3) Place the nice flat top end on a chopping board and cut the onion in half.

4) Taking each half of the onion in turn....

5) Peel off the outer brown layers of the onion.

6) Make incisions lengthways into the onion but do not cut through the root section. A bit like an unbreakable cadburys chocolate orange. In this way, radiating around the root section, you can cut the onion as finely as you desire without the pieces falling all over the place.

7) Now cut cross-ways starting at the 'top' and working toward the root. The nice pieces of onion should pile up on the board. The closer you get to the root the stronger the onion-gas seems - so timid cutters should simple waste onion and leave big stubs!

8) Put these pieces into a bowl and cover with a saucer (or something big enough to cover it!) whilst you cut the second half.

THE END

...enjoy your onions....

I don't really have a problem with onion tear gas. I think it's because the very first thing I always do is cut off the ends. Then I cut up the onion really quickly (I've had a lot of practice) and get the chopped pieces onto a plate and away from my face with appropriate haste.

Someone once told me to dunk the onion in water until you need it. I think that worked out well for me, too.

Wampus

Freeze your tear-ducts and you won't cry. And always breathe through your nose and not your mouth.

-Scott (Greeblet 121)

Thank you very much Bluegerbil and everybody else. I'm still convinced that cutting the onions at my local baths is the best option, but I'm also thinking about getting cosmetic surgery on my tear ducts. Cheers.

What a useful thread. Someone should turn it into a collaborative entry (hint hint).

Back home we had an onion chopper. It was this round cylinder with a stick on top. You put the cylinder part down over the onions, pressed the stick and some blades came out and cut the onion. And pressed again and again, and the blades would come out and chop the onions. Quite handy, and I imagine since the onions were inside something you probably didn't get much teargas from it. But I can't remember.

They're really tricky to clean, though, those devices.

Yeah but I don't have to worry about that, I'm a bachelor

Yeah and they never bloody work properly. They belong in the drawer alongside pizza cutters and garlic presses.

Right, goodnight everyone. I'm off to the swimming baths. With my onions and chopping board (nice shirt, Frankie). Catch you all tomorrow. Sam.