h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If it wasn't for Floradora I'd have gone quite mad yesterday, just from itching. I smell faintly of tarsoap now, but anything is better than fleas!

I almost thought I was going to be freed yesterday, but Affi didn't recognise my whisper. And next thing, I was forced to lie down on the rug at gunpoint, and I was rolled up on the rug and slung over a saddle, and taken out of town at a gallop! Good thing I hadn't recently eaten.

But the rug was absolutely full of fleas, as well as hot and filthy. I think the universe was born and died three times before the horse stopped and I was lifted off. When I was finally unrolled from the rug I was sore and dazed and dehydrated, but I still was able to get in a serious kick at the cowboy's shin. I think we was going to say something until he saw the look in my eyes -- there are some things a lady cannot forgive.

Well, Floradora was there and I could tell from her expression that I was a terrible sight. She led me into my new quarters and made sure I had a bath and a meal. After that I slept, I don't know how long. At my bedside was a bottle of calamine lotion, which has greatly soothed my flea bites, and a tea kettle with all the makings. That I am allowed to have boiling water tells me that I will not be allowed near any of my captors except Floradora, whom I know to be blameless in this matter.

All is not well with them -- good! I heard groaning in the next room, and cursing, so I know there are wounded among them. There is no cheer in their voices.

I have a window, but it's barred. I can look out across a grassy meadow where gnus are grazing, to a forest which sweeps away quite majestically to a distant view of the sea. We must be at a very great altitude. And how, I wonder to they come to be in possession of gnus? No doubt they have been gnu-rustling!

Floradora also brought me a book, an excellent choice, Tristram Shandy. No matter how many times I read this book I don't fully understand it...

*An Ape sneaks in and with the blunt end of a Banana writes*

Ook Ook Ook Ook [Heulp ... The Celry hez gorn madder'n a coyote in a gin-trap. We'r orl gonner die and end up as pet fud or wall ornaments]

*has been sleeping in a chair by the prisoner's bed*

Wha? Hey, git outta here you! Can't you see this woman is sick?

*gets up and goes into the next room to make some herbal tea* I don't know what those idiots were thinking of, wrapping her in a filthy carpet full of bugs and germs. I thought the fever would never break, and now here she is in a coma.

*returns to the prisoner's room* If she doesn't wake up, that Celery will be salad when the posse finds out...

*red eyes glowing in closet*

heh heh heh
house is full of holes

*runs up to bed and jumps on pillow*
sniff sniff
Wah! Food Lady sick!

*rummages in backpack and pulls out healthstone, puuls back covers and puts stone in her hand then pulling covers back*

*jumping onto floor*
Now find celery.
*scampers back into closet*

They left a holographic comm device in the next room!

I have no idea how long I've been ill, what time of day it is or indeed what day of the week -- I awoke a few hours ago to find my healthstone in my fist and no-one around, nothing but a few bananas on the sideboard.

I feel very weak, but I was able to wash and dress and look around the suite, and that's when I found the comm device. Now to contact the atelier!

Floradora was pleased to see that I had come back to the living, as she put it. The healthstone is so strong a magic that now I feel quite recovered, and I found it necessary to fake weakness while she was here. I noticed that there was another cowboy lingering in the door while she was with me and, for the first time, she was not disposed to linger.

So. I have the healthstone. It's time to go.