h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The events of the past couple of weeks are likely to sound uninteresting, but for me, they have been by no means uneventful.

Mostly, it's just been work, sleep, and work some more. Though it's for a very worthy cause, sometimes working all the extra hours, yet still feeling like I haven't any money, gets a bit frustrating. So, I've given in on a couple of occasions to the need for a bit of retail therapy... got myself a few books (used, of course, can't get too crazy), a couple of nifty, relatively inexpensive handbags *just* this side of tacky but oh-so-suited to my personality, the DVD of "24 Hour Party People", and the most obnoxiously colored winter scarf I've ever seen.

I've also "redecorated" my bathroom, investing in a new shower curtain, new liners and rings, and a big fluffy bath mat. No more battling mildew and soap scum (for a while, anyway), and now it's full of bright colors to perk me up mornings. The most seemingly unimportant things can make such a big difference.

I've been talking on and off with one of my co-workers, who also suffers from OCD, about various aspects of depression and such. He's given me some great ideas on dealing with SAD, which really hits me hard starting this time of year, despite the fact that I absolutely love the cold weather. At first, he'd recommended hitting a tanning spa, which I can't really get away with, thanks to a serious sunburn several years ago which resulted in my having a small skin tumor removed. Today, he came to me with a rather brilliant idea... how about installing full-spectrum light bulbs in some of my lamps?! They *do* mimic natural sunlight, and while it might be at odd hours, a bit of exposure might help? The thought had never occurred to me, but it is a darn good one, and I'm going to have a go at it. I'll let you all know if it helps! I'd also be game to hear any other tips anyone else might have. Last winter, I once spent an entire three weeks in bed, getting up only to use the bathroom. No showering, no reading, no watching videos, refusing to answer the telephone, and so on, until a friend forced the landlord to let her in, threw me in the bath with my pajamas on, and dragged me out of the house. I shouldn't have it *that* bad this year, as I've got work, and will spend the holidays with Krispy in England, but I could still use some help with the symptoms. And at the present, antidepressants aren't an option.

And now for the *really* good news... in spite of the fact that the overall impression I get at work is that of being at each other's throats, and that I in particular am on some people's "bad sides" (paranoia again, or have I really done something to offend? I dunno), I met with my supervisor today to discuss some things, and while I was there, she gave me my performance review. My company does these annually, in November, and I hadn't expected one, since I only came on permanently in September. She told me that as they're all done at the same time, I ought to be included, so I was pleased at the opportunity to get some feedback as to what my strengths and weaknesses are. And I was more than pleasantly surprised! Overall, people seem pleased with my attention to detail, my drive, and the fact that I care. Because I have displayed proficiency in some of the computer programs they use, they see me as a valuable member of the team. And here's the best part of all... I got another raise!!!! Nearly 5%! Overall, that's nearly 15% more than I was getting six months ago. I know it's only money, but good god, does it feel good to be appreciated in a way I can see. And I also came away knowing what areas I need to work on, which I really do need to know.

I do feel a bit burned out. I'm tired all the time, like I'm running to stand still. But I know what it is I'm working so hard for.

Which brings me to the best bit of all. Though I know we're both a bit shy and concerned about talking about it online, Krispy and I continue to grow stronger, and forge a more supportive, stimulating, AND throughtly fun relationship with each passing day. By encouraging and understanding each other, by complementing our individual and mutual strengths and weaknesses, we have become both a formidable team and a wonderful partnership. No longer struggling alone, we're working hard together toward a common goal, and doing a damned good job at it! I consider myself very blessed at having found someone who makes my life so much more fulfilling, a friend, lover, and partner. Thank you to those of you who encouraged me to accept it, to see it at face valuse, and convinced me at long last that I am a person worth loving and of giving love. I couldn't have done it without you.

But in spite of the fact that I'm at last happy, content, and at the closest to peace I've ever known (at LAST, I know the meaning of grace, and faith, and hope...), I still need you all as much as, if not more so than, ever. Please... don't let me be a stranger! If you can't pin me down in Real Time, please do stay in touch with me here. No matter what else happens, if I lose any of you, I've gained nothing.



And an extra-special to Krispy, whether he sees this or not...

Hi babes

sounds great, get those those day-light bulbs in, and well done on the pay rise. Fantastic that Krispy makes you feel so much stronger and your friend at work you can talk to.

Maybe you can help me, I am looking for moderating work, to start a few hours a week, at home. I am terified of working, of putting myself forward, of thinking I am worth enough to be paid. You have done so well, please share how you have the guts to get out every day, and how you can bear to see the same people everyday without crying in the bathroom or freaking out and hiding?!

3 weeks at home in bed doing nothing? That is so bad, bet you stank!!! Don't you dare disappear for 3 weeks, I like hearing how you are going, so you are just not allowed to hide for that long!

Well done at getting your life in order, and have a great holiday with Krispy.

Hi Kaz and PC. I can relate to the SAD thing and am determined to buy a light box but think they're a little bulky to carry around with me. I know what it means to find a soulmate. I do worry that he wants to marry me out of sympathy as I'm really miserable at times, but luckily so is he
As far as work goes with me it is linked to my mental health rather than the job. When I feel well I know I'm as good as the next person and I'm doing a good job but when I'm not 100% the fears creep in. I don't know the answer but the confidence seems to have improved as I've got older. Go for it

These lights do work. The important thing is to spend reasonably long times in the light.

Ideally, you would sit a light on your desk at work and let it, at least, shine directly on you there.

Yes, the box tends to be bulky and awkward to carry around -- so don't try. You'll need around 4 hours exposure, as a minimum, to help the symptoms. More is better.

I know there are full spectrum lamps available that fit ordinary sockets either as regular light sockets or florescent tubes. There are also boxes with white transluscent fronts which are designed to just be shined in your face.

(I learned about this from the FAA's Regional Surgeon General who used a box -- just incase.)

Barton

Hi Meg, I was chatting to my mother in law, about returning to work, and she did it and is all for it. I asked her whether she looked forwrad to meeting other people through work, she said of course. I explained where I am different and hate meeting peole at work, to the point where I will hide from them. She doesn't understand me at all!! I think combine my fear of people and agorophobia and its obvious why I don't want to work, so working from home on the computer really could be a life saver for me. I'll let you now how it goes!

Hi everyone!!

I understand being afraid of people in the workplace. I'm even a bit apprehensive of being around people in social situations, and just out and about in general. I've always been very easy to push around and intimidate, which has made me easy to take advantage of in work situations in the past. My biggest problem right now is one of my team members, who can be more than a bit bossy and has a tendency to raise her voice to me. This can set off a few of those old "mother alarms", and I usually wind up either feeling terribly stupid, inferior and useless, or getting very defensive. In time, I'm sure I'll find a way to deal with it, but at the moment it's really stressing me out.

I'm very lucky that I've found a place with so many nice people, so I don't have it coming at me from all sides. I don't do terribly well in close quarters with a lot of people myself, so this environment is the exception rather than the rule. I've not done as well in the past at all.

Working from home sounds like an ideal situation for you, Kaz! I can understand wanting to avoid the whole scenario, and work all by yourself in the comfort and safety of home. I'm not really antisocial per se, but do feel overwhelmed at times having to be around people all day long. It's got to be all that much worse when you've got agorophobia as well. There's no way I could handle working with people if I were in your shoes.

I hope you can find something suitable working from home soon, do keep us posted!

Oh, and you certainly don't need to worry about my disappearing for 3 weeks this year. I enjoy talking with all of you, it really helps to brighten some of the glooiest days! It makes me feel good to know I'd be missed as much as I'd miss you!!

> You'll need around 4 hours exposure, as a minimum, to help the
> symptoms. More is better.

Actually, there's some good research out there showing this isn't necessarily the case. People have had dramatic improvements in symptoms from only 15 minutes a day of exposure. What seems to be more important than duration is the timing -- i.e., having a short exposure at the same time every morning is more effective than having a long exposure but at different times each day depending on your schedule.

a who clearly has too many studies tucked away in its head....

Well, I'm going to have to try *something*, and soon. I can't take much more of this without snapping.

So, here I'm going to go, and have a good old whinge. I don't really expect anyone to listen, and for those who don't need to hear my pissing and moaning, don't read any further, please.

I managed to make my perky post yesterday, but I have to admit to not really feeling all that great in general. The seasonal depression is bad enough, but there's still the stupid fibromyalgia and the good old everyday depression I put on a brave face and try to force myself and everyone else to forget about. But it's still there, and it still sucks. No matter how chipper I manage to be, the fact remains that some days everything still hurts, and at times it's all I can do just to get out of bed, not to mention try to function properly.

Lately I have found myself fluctuating between ups and downs. I try to have more ups than downs, and for the most part, I think I succeed. Sometimes it's hard, though. It seems that both the good moods and the bads are going to the extreme, and I don't like feeling out of control.

Yeah, I know that I haven't had a lot of free time or of rest recently. But really, what's the use of having free time when I can't relax? What's the use of getting to bed early when I can't sleep, and when I do, I either have terrible nightmares, or wake up feeling as if I haven't slept at all? Instead I have to settle for hitting the wine bottle (albeit only 2 or 3 glasses a day) to try to alleviate the gnawing pain in my back and knees, and numb the frustration I feel, even if there's no reason why I should feel it.

i can't understand why I feel so down when things have actually been going pretty well, all things considered. And why I'm torn between being lonely, and wanting to be left alone. Why on one hand, I feel so motivated, and on another, it's an effort just to draw breath. Why some parts of me feel so good, and others hurt so damned much, and all at the same time. Why I feel like such an utter failure despite the fact that I'm giving my all, and then some.

In spite of having wonderful friends like you lot, and someone like Krispy to love and to love me, I still sometimes feel so futile, so empty, so lost. And I don't know why. I'm not feeling suicidal, don't worry, I wouldn't do anything like that, not to the people I care for and not to myself, I don't think. But I still feel this big sucking I-don't-know-what, and I don't quite know what to do about it. I just feel like I'm beating my head against a wall, and it's driving me kind of crazy.

I don't know why I'm so depressed, I have no reason to be. Some of you have a lot more cause to feel this way, and don't. So now I also feel guilty and selfish and stupid for wallowing in self-pity when in reality I'm so fortunate, and on so many levels, I'm happy and content. What the f*ck is wrong with me? Honestly, I don't enjoy feeling miserable. I just feel as if I'm falling, and if I hit bottom, I won't be able to get back up again.

Ugh. I'm sorry for this senseless whining and I don't want a pity party. I just want to know how to stop feeling this way.

Oh, hon, I'm sorry it's going so rough for you. I wish I could be there!

One quick thought -- when was the last time you had really vigorous exercise? I don't have fibro now, but it definitely shows up if I ever go for more than a few days without some good exercise. I seem to be especially prone to it when I'm working crazy hours (not that *you* would ever do something as silly as that ), so I've gotten in the habit of compulsively exercising once or twice a day. It's a horrendous thing to make my body do on a day like today when I'm tired and everything hurts already anyway -- but I've learned the hard way that I just keep getting worse if I don't make myself work out at least a little. It's awful, though, because I always find myself thinking that I'm "wasting time" on myself when I'm exercising, when I should be doing some "productive" at the office or housework or something......

I really hope things look up for you, though!

It is not a waste of time to take care of yourself!
It has to be done.
Take time for exercise, sleep, proper food and your form of relaxation, h2g2 whatever refuels you.

If you cannot afford the special panel or box lights turn every light around you (100 or 120 watt bulbs) on at rising and in the evening lower them a light at a time ending in the dimest of light also *raise and lower noise level too.

Paycheck budgeting advisors say pay yourself a little something first before the bills.

Whether it is a gift or a debt in your mind, take time for yourself first. The rest can follow you, taking as much time as is allowed.

Do not under estimate the power of the Holiday seasons looming.
It has lots of pressures. People stuff a lot of feelings from Halloween to Thanksgiving dreading family pressures or lack of it thru Christmas and New Years. I think some of the common fall depressions can be attributed to some dread and expense of the coming season.
*This may not be the case for you at all.

Good Luck and keep fighting

Thanks, you guys. I think you're probably right, Abbi, about the upcoming holidays having something to do with the blues that set in this time of year. I usually feel this way on and off from around mid-November till just after New Year's, so there is likely a connection there. I'm not sure why I should feel badly, I've no reason to feel lonely, and I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year. Maybe it's just one of those reactions that gets set in your mind over time and stays there, no matter what the present circumstances.

I do feel badly about posting that enormous whinge, as things *aren't* going rough for me at all. I guess I just needed to vent a bit. I imagine a lot of the attrition is due to exhaustion, and as Mikey has pointed out, lack of good, vigorous exercise. Maybe I'll walk home from work today, or at least half way.

You know, I think what really gets people down this time of year is leaving the house when it's dark, feeling generally blah so your heart's not in your work all day, then it's dark again by the time you get out.

Anyway, thanks again for listening and for giving your support. I hate feeling down for no good reason. It's one thing to be depressed when things are all going wrong, but feeling crappy when things are going well, and getting better, makes me feel like a real jerk.

Time to head off to work, with a brief stop for cigarettes and coffee on the way. Look, this morning I can even manage a . Have a good day all of you, and I'll check in with you later. I hope everyone else is doing all right. Abbi, I hope your fever subsides soon and your teeth are feeling better.

Take care!

Psychocandy, you whinge all you want. Okay so a few things are going well, and you have found the man of your dreams, but hes not with you, thats hard to cope with. I think with what you go through, you have every right to feel that you want things better.

One of the things I can understand is feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone, thats how I feel most of the time. I have tried to sociolise more and its just too difficult. You have to decide what you are and except that, even if only for a while. I feel lonely but I know I am a wreak if I socialise more than twice a week, so I recognise that and decide that I would rather be lonely. It helped me to feel I had made the decision.

As for the rest, then exercise yep. I agree with what the others have said here. Getting out nearly always makes me feel better, thats a nightmare when you are agorophobic, but if you don't have that problem, get out there. When you are out, maybe you would like to try something I do. Look at everything living, I concentrate on non-human cause I am not a people person, but you do what you like. Look at the trees, start to recognise them, see how they change, their colours etc. Let them become like friends, smile hello, or think hello in your head. They have life flowing through them, breathe in that life as you walk upto them, join in with their life. The same goes for all living things, we have squirrels and birds where I am, what do you have? I watch the squirrels and think about their lives, their stresses and joys. I enjoy their scampering and never, ever grow tired of watching them.

I have a local park and I try to get there at least once a week, no matter how agorophobic. I just sit and watch, sometimes I read. I look around, watch the ducks etc. I absorb everything there, the birds, the trees, the dogs that come to say hello. I sit there and think about my feet, they are rooted into the earth, the power and energy of the earth flows into my feet and gives me strength, grounding me. My head is in the air, feel he wind, the sun, look at the clouds, start to understand that you are a part of all this. I usually find that 10 minutes to half an hour is all I need to feel happier, stronger and relaxed.

I hope all this makes sense, I am happy to explain more and go through more stuff with you. We could have a chat by phone if you like. Just writing about this, has made me feel more grounded and ready to go outside. There is real power in the earth and nature, you can tap into it and become a part of it. And in one way, it means you will never be lonely again.

Very nice Kaz!

PCandy try not to beat yourself up for having a blue day.
It's only human.
That is a good thing!Really!

No matter what you've heard about them humans lately.....

You know, I actually tend to feel depressed *more* often when things are going well than when they are going badly.

When things are going badly, I often feel like I have so much to do, and I have a plan, and a focus, and a goal -- all things that tend to keep from feeling depressed, although I may feel a little anxious. When things are going badly, I always know that there are things I can do to make things a little better.

When things are going well, I stress because I feel like it's out of my control to *keep* them going well. I tend to freak out a bit, worried that I will do something and then be responsible for things not being so great anymore....

If that makes any sense....

You are not alone Mikey, that is for sure!

If you have been down a lot you learn survival. One of those tricks is - There is no where to go but up when your down. So it is natural to think there is no where to go but down when your up

Sometimes we get a smooth ride for a while but are behind or ahead of the moment so we miss it. Seemingly leaping from one bad thing to another.

Takes you back to *living in the precious present* which works for both the good and bad stuff in life. It is hard to earn a lasting trust in that philosphy, but it is so worth it.

When I feel bad, jumping in with both feet allows it to pass sooner. I now trust I will not get stuck there and drown in it. Posting it on h2g2 as you have makes it real, cannot ignore it then.
Journaling in private works too of course.

Have no fear of drowning in it because you can only marinate in the mud for so long, you'll grow tired of it and move out. In my experience if I do not let it (trying to ignore it)it seeps instead, it will stay under the surface and color all else making more things worse not better. It is real, whatever the reason and will come out one way or another. The most control you can have over it is to jump in!

Wallow in it! Go ahead give it a try
If you get really good at wallowing in it you learn to laugh at yourself more in the process.
*yes I'm serious*

"One of those tricks is - There is no where to go but up when your down. So it is natural to think there is no where to go but down when your up"

Yes, that's just it! When things are going well, I *do* tend to brace myself for the inevitable tumble, waiting for the proverbial shoe to fall. I, too, find that stressful times make me more proactive, give me goals to achieve and motivate me to make things better.

Kaz, I'm glad you understand feeling lonely and still wanting to be alone a lot. And the one person who I really do want and need around badly, can't be at the moment. It's a drag sometimes. But we're working on it.

I love sitting at the park and watching the birds and the squirrels at play. I usually take some nuts with me to feed them, the city squirrels are very bold and will take them right from you. It wasn't so very long ago I advised someone else of the benefits of getting out into nature when the stress gets to be too much, to get grounded and absorb some of the energy from the earth and trees and air. I think a stop at the park soon is in order... there's one near my work, maybe I can have my lunch there tomorrow. Thanks for sharing that with me, Kaz! And I'd love to have a chat with you by phone sometime really soon, please!

What Mikey said about feeling out of control when things are going well does make sense to me, I'm always afraid of messing up the status quo myself! I can face my past all right, for the most part. And I can set goals for the future, stay focused on them and work to attain them. But I have a really hard time being, as Abbi says, "in the precious moment". Maybe that's why I feel a bit like life is just passing me by.

Thank you all so very much for your words of encouragement. They've been a big help, and I'll hold on to these thoughts over the next few weeks, whenever the blues set in hard.

Now the only thing I feel badly about is that you all give me so much, and I don't feel I give you anything in return!

Hey, but you're currently #2 on the longest postings list @ <./>info</.>, doesn't that count for something?

Seriously hon, never think for a moment that you're not giving as much as your receive.

Wow, thanks for pointing that out to me, Mikey! I've never been #2 on any list before, except maybe detention list back in high school. I don't know if I should be proud of the accomplishment, or embarrassed. I think I need to work at being more succinct.

I sure do hope I am giving back to you all, I certainly try!

You share yourself and we accept you.
You accept us when we are doing the same thing.
Nice!
*also spent some time in detention*