h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Happy Halloween Are you kidding? Halloween's supposed to be about ghosts and monsters and being scared. What the is so happy about that?

And what's with all this dressing up? Jeez, I quit doing that when I was about 10 years old, and yet every year I see people who are well into adulthood - and who therefore ought to know better - dressing up at Halloween... and spending three months looking forward to it. Dressing up is for kids. GROW UP!!!

And if you are going to dress up, dress up as something appropriate for the occasion! Schoolgirls, Bugs Bunny, princesses and your favourite TV character are not scary! Unless your favourite TV character is Catweazle. Or Jimmy Saville.

Halloween? it - I'd rather sit through the Bobawful ghastliness of Christmas

It could be worse than Jimmy Saville. Someone dressed as Dale Winton might come to your door

At least you said Happy Halloween rather than 'Trick or bleedin' Treat', unlike many of the rapscallions that knock on one's door these days. I'm fortunate enough to now live in a third floor flat, thus avoiding the scrounging, culturally confused guttersnipes.

In Scotland (where we got the hang of Halloween way before you lot did ) we have 'guisers'. Traditionally if you went to someone's door you had to do a turn of some sort in exchange for sweeties or money and there was none of this 'trick or treat' nonsense.

Steal a foam fire extinguisher and treat any body that comes looking for sweet to a blast from that.