h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah fair fight eh? Dae ye mean ra Glesga ferr or ra canny Nookie Broon ferr pet? D'ye think ra Beeb wid be interestit in buyin' ra (very) broadcastin' rights tae oor sumo match?

Ah chinjed ma name wi'oot any o' the deid Poles aboot two 'oors ago, efter ah goat back fae ra post oafice. Ah wantit tae see if medical conditions wurr banned along wi' kerrier bags.

Hey, ye kid werr ra kerrier bag oor yir heid fur ra sumo bout if ye wantit tae hen(na).

My plaice I think, my dear Tourette's sufferer. I could do with a big strong man that enjoys forking. My neighbour brought me a couple of tractor-scoops of what you're full of yesterday

And bring your deid Pole. I've got a live wire to introduce him to.

, bag-lady extraordinaire.

I thought perhaps we could make a do of it. Sell tickets like. It's been a long time since we had a May Ball round here.

Now where did I put that gingham gown?

Fur f**k's sake Tefkat, whit did ye say tae yir neighbour? Here ye might get ra odd joaby thru yir letturboax if ye annoey some c**t, bit no any tracturrscoops fulla poop. Did Jimmy ra neighbour dump it aw oan toap a yer undies? Aye? It's true then, wherr therr's muck therr's bras.

*puts on best Geordie accent which seems remarkably similar to another one when written*
Whit urr ye daein' growin' radishes insteid a dope, canny lass? Divint tell us yir aff weed again pet?

Anyway, ah'm no comin' anywherr near ra northeast 'til ye get ridda ratwimmin. Ye know, ra wan Jenny Bond keeps foalyin'.

Gingham? Huv ye triet readin' rat backlog wi' ra mess Yahoo is in? It wis bad enough when ra posts hid titles thit meant sumthin', bit noo it's like pittin' some c**t inra Dome in tellin' thame tae go p**s in ra coarner.

Jist as long as it's May Balls and nut nee balls canny kitty.

Agh, get this f****n' Geordie accent oot ma heid

Poor Jimmy. Is your head throbbing? Come here and let Aunty Eccsy kiss it better.

Nawwwwwww! No ra rid lipstick hen, anythin' bit rat. Here, urye wantin' money. Take it! Take it aw

....oh crap, ah've driftit intae ra ant inra elephant joke hivint ah?

Augh, ah'm away tae watch ra fitba' in see if Celtic kin keep thirr 100% record against they crappy premiership teams, so if ye don't know ra joke - tough.

Noo thit ah think aboot it, it might be a horny moose - as in "wee sleakit tim'rous beastie", no as in "get aff ma caur ya big galoot".

Anyway ra moose is up oanra elephant, wee a**e gonn like a fiddler's elbow, when ra elephant stauns oan a thorn in bellows wi' pain.

Moose: "Yeah, take it aw bitch".

Gosh! we remember that joke. You tell it so much better then the first ime we herad it (we have quite good memories too).

But don't let us P***h on your parade

And crap typo's

You can crap typos?

You scored Evil One.
I read the joke and my daughter came rushing in to see why I was cackling so hard.

Thank you for making an old woman verra happy (and never mind the wet chair )

Sure, It's issy when you nkow how.

Yes he's just an old romantic at heart, knows just the right combination of ******* to make a girl go week at the Knee's.

Well just as long as he keeps off the Ritalin

That WOULD be an odd combination.

Alcohol, Ritalin, Caffeine, Hash.

ARCH. Hmmm.

Underneath the arches...

He a man of Simple tastes than.

My Mother has a Budgie with Tourettes Syndrome, we love it dearly. Tried to teach it to pootle, tried compressed air but no luck so far. Keeps raping the other two females in the cage so we fear it's days are numbered.

Maybe oi carn bae of assirstance thar SueplusArtyboos, if you doesn't moind erndin' up with wurn o' therm homoserxual burdgies what hangs arournd on gay bars with a sirly murstash arnd a lerther 'at.

btw Jimmyboos hars joost 'ad wurn o' Tefkat's lirtle arcidents thinking of your lirtle burdgie with Tourettes arnd sends 'is aporlogies arnd lorndry bill.

Hiya hen.

*thinks* "How can I distract her while I find the Paxo?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

F**k me, ah must lay aff ra bevvy furra couple a 'oors. Ah've jist seen a six fit chicken gettin' aw made up furra date wi' 'er "lirtle toyboy". She's even packt a couple ah Scoatish daterape drugs fur hersel' (Callies tae you in me) in 'er haunbag tae pit ra budgie it ease. She disnae waantim tae think she's an easy layer.

Ah don't know, why didra chicken croas ra road?

btw Kinna substitute nicotine furra ritalin in yon list? Therrs nuttin' quite like ra early mornin' (c. 3pm) kick ye get when ye crawl oota yir pit, cover yersel' in patches while yer coffin' yer lungs up, pop in ra chewin' gum, inren light up rat first rollup arra day (made wi' joint papers a' course). Oh aye, in ye huvvit wi' a pinta black tarry coffee, so ye cannae tell whit's comin' oot yer lungs fae whit's gonnintae yer belly. Well ye don't waant me becomin' wanna rae hypochondiacs dae ye?

Ah mean tae say, if ah wis tae go tae ra doakters (as in white coat, no ra pub arra same name), ah'd jist be wastin' therr valubill time when rae should be seein' aw rae mental wimmin wi' therr ugly wee s***es thitiv coatra cauld. Ah huv goat some sensa community responsibility furra workloada Glesga's wan doakter, ye know.

It would seem that you've found a kindred spirit Jimmy. Take a look at the size of those drumsticks, mind she doesn't go all broody on you. I don't really think there's any danger of that as she seems to be more interested in the Plucking!!!!!

How plucky is that poor doomed budgie?

(A: To get to the public toilets.)

(Q2: Why did the chicken want to get to the public toilets?)