h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hiring a gardener on the kept tea money? I don't know what sort of company you work for but where I come from thats breach of promise and contract ,and fraud and in direct violation of the representation of the peoples act....I think you had better haccompany me to the station. Come quietly ,sir.We don't want no hunecessary fuss,now do we.

Look at it as an investment. The money I am using to pay the gardener is increasing the value of my house, so when I sell it I can repay back the money with interest. It's not stealing, it's creative accounting, and you can't prove nothing as I've shredded all the tea receipts.

Yours sincerely,

former auditor to ENRON in a previous life.

Welcome aboard. Your just the sort of man we need. Always difficult to explain to the masses why we are going to war with a country we were selling arms to in the last conflict and training their armies in the one before that.You'll do well here at the Foriegn Office (snigger)

I suspect that from reading some of my other postings you think I am in favour of invading Iraq. I would agree with an invasion of Iraq IF and only if it full backing of the UN Security Council, and not just because George Jr is dealing with daddy's unfinished business. Personally, the arguments in favour seem a little unconvincing at the moment.

Also, thank you for the kind offer of a position in the Foreign Office, but being an ex-civil servant, the chances of me going back to work in the public sector are about the same as me winning the lottery, and I don't buy lottery tickets.

You are so right! Having not really been voted in democratically Wubya was kinda wondering what on earth to do until 9/11. I would have scrapped any remnants of pretence and kept Clinton there for ever as long as someone kept him and Kenny Gee well apart. Lisa Simpson was always the better sax player.

What sort of tosh do you keep,only Christmas is coming up. I was on the look out for tat as well

Well, lets see what we've got. I do a nice line in not very amusing anecdotes, also there's the really pointless fact, and given the right intro I can will always try to crow bar in a Monty Python sketch (ecky ecky pataang is always a good one (As in "We are no longer the knights that say nee, we are know the knights that say ecky ecky pataang")). There not really suited for Christmas present giving as such, maybe inserted into Christmas crackers possibly if you really don't like the person.

What I could recommend is some homemade (i.e. cheap) gifts with the following platitudes:-

"Its unique, so it has rarity value"
"I didn't want to buy you any old rubbish, so this is something I spent time and love on"
"Its imported from Japan, you can't get them here yet, but its the latest craze there"
"If you don't like it, you can cook you own Christmas dinner"(only works if you are in fact cooking Christmas dinner)