h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The west wing is almost entirely occupied by a vast Laboratory. Flickering torches light the arcane equipment spread around the room. Jars of unidentifiable, preserved bits of once-living things fill several shelves. Racks of vials sit on top of cupboards containing various powders and liquids. On a bench, a beaker bubbles under a flame, spewing evil smelling fumes into the air. Electricity arcs between two rods with a sizzle. There is motion and activity everywhere in the room, but only one occupant:

Big Bad Werewolf.

The room has a partition across one end, dividing BBW's office and living quarters from the main lab area. There is a nose-scanner outside the door into this area. The main lab has only one door, and it is normally locked. Knocking usually works, though.

Currently, BBW is working on two projects. The first is a speaking tube just like Red Dog's. The second is found on a slab in the far corner of the room. It appears to be a giant dog, but it seems to have been made from pieces of other animals. The head is undoubtedly a dog, but the body looks like it came from a horse and the legs from a giraffe. The 5 sets of wings along its back seem to have come from pterodactyls, but of course they couldn't have. Could they? BBW has the head open and is looking at the empty space within. Suddenly he grins.*

I could while away the hours,
conferrin' with the flowers,
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin'
while my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain

*Casts spell nullifying the anti-werewolf qualities of silver and wolf'sbane, but leaving their scientific properties intact.*

*sea wonders if BBW would consider purchasing her brother's only slightly-used brain*

*deep in the shadows a shimmering haze might just be observed as an astral projection of the Red Mage enters the laboratory*

Greetings to you BBW my eternal friend. You may find me in the Red Tower ... you will require a word of power to freely enter and avoid certain traps therein *whispers the word*

a Frankendog! Thanks for the happy birthday.

Drops off a Pokasnack, courtesy of all my pokemon. I have 3 ghost
2 fire and 1 water pokemon.

You're welcome, Vulpix. Thanks for the treats.

*Pops a pokasnack in his mouth.*

Mmmmmm. These are quite good. Please excuse me for a minute.

*BBW goes off to his office, writes down the secret word of power and puts it in his safe.*

There. I'd never have remembered THAT on my own.

*Returns to the lab.*

What I need is a lab technician to go out and find me some...um, suplies. Maybe I should put an ad in the Ghost Post for an assistant. Hmmmmm.

*Picks up a clipboard from a lab bench, tears off the top sheet and start writing.*


Help Wanted. Laboratory Assistant. Rudimentary knowledge of anatomy required. Knowledge of forensic science an asset. Hump and other disfigurements encouraged. All races, species and Igors may apply. An equal opportunity employer. Send resume to BBW, Haunted Castle, H2G2, BBC.

Appears What a neat idea!

If you find anyone with a spare hump, or who has a perfectly good hump but would like to find a good home for it then I`m interested. I am collecting body parts for the great Uncle Heavy rebuild project . Would you care to be part of this great endeavour ?

Oh, of course! After all, I DO have some experience. *Points to Frankendog*


Love that name, Vulpix. Frankendog!


Now, will you be needing any supplies? I'll come up and have a look at your apparatus shortly.

Have placed your ad in the Ghost Post http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A683976

Ah, excellent, excellent. I should expect a flood of applications any time now.

*Rubs hands in glee.*

*notices a large bottle of Glee on the side of the workbench with a warning - "Do not Expose Flesh Unless Dead"*

BBW you should have used protective gloves !!!!

Ah, it's okay, Red Mage.

*Flips over the lapel of his lab coat to reveal a button reading: Official member of the Haunted Castle Glee Club.*

very good BBW

A narrow escape.

*considers starting a character based on the Igor in the Haunted Dungeon, realises she's running too many projects. Floats away It'd be sooo much fun!*

yes, nice save.

Hay, waitaminnut! *Carefully reads the post: Do not expose flesh unless dead*...O.K., so now we have a bunch of nekked dead people running around singing...sounds like fun!

*tosses sheet off and busts out()singing*

"I ain't got no body..."