h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...Barmey, a big friendly dinosaur who had somehow managed to hide from the asteroid that killed the other dinosaurs millions of years ago.

"Hello, ladies," Barmey said, doffing his green-yellow argyle hat. "I desperately need your help today. The asteroid won't give up..."

"It's still tracking you, after all these years?" exclaimed Mrs. Paisley.

"Yes," Barmey said sadly. "I was three steps ahead of it until this week, when it caught my trail again. I hear that it has taken lodgings in the next town, and will be coming after me here later today. Can I hide in your picnic basket until it passes by? Please? Please with sugar on it?"

"I don't know," Clarice said dubiously. "Dinosaur meat is not good for picnics, because it has too much..."

"...paleosmeltic pheremones in it. And you know how that curdles a smurgleberry pie!"

Barmey looked dejected, but Paisley saw right through his story.

"There's no asteroid chasing you is there Barmey? Paisley said with the authority and tone of a cranky school marm. "You're just after Clarice's famous smurgleberry pie!"

Clarice gasped, Barmey lunged towards the picnic basket and Paisley cringed. What ensued next was nothing short of...

...hilarious as Barmey smeared smurgleberry pie all over himself, Clarice, Mrs. Paisley, the boat, and even some inquisitive fishes that happened to peek over the gunwales to see what the commotion was about.

"Yum, I really love smurgleberry pie," said Barmey, letting his paws hang over the edge of the boat.

"You are a pig, not a dinosaur," scolded Mrs. Paisley, forgetting that Clarice was...

...a USDA grade "A" choice porker herself.

"I take offense to that remark" pouted Clarice.

"Oh Clarice dear, you know what I meant" Ms. Paisley said.

Just then another huge eruption flew out of the water towards them. It was... it was...

"To bed right now young man!" said Dolly as she tucked her son in.

"Awww Mom!" whined Eddy "I wanted to find out what leapt out of the water this time! I can't wait until tomorrow evening to find out, I'll... I'll... well I'll just explode if I have to wait that long!"

Dolly picked the book up, marked the page with the red 1st place ribbon that Eddy had won in the pumpkin roll last Halloween and put it on the shelf with his other favorite books.

"It's bedtime young man, you'll just have to wait until tomorrow, and that's final!" She turned the light off as she stepped out of the room, partially closed his bedroom door and said "Goodnight dear, we'll read more about Paisley, Clarice and Barmey tomorrow."

Meantime, back in Paisley's world...

...the asteroid! It careened out of the water, making a perfect arc over the top of the raft and back into the water on the other side.

"Ayeeeeeeee" screamed Barmey, "Save me! Save me pleeeease!" He whined as he tried to hide in the picnic basket.

The asteroid made another lunge out of the water and...

Landed on a large flat rock in the middle of the river, where it put on a top hat and tailcoat, and began dancing.

"Oh, now I recognize him, " Barmey exclaimed.

"You...know him?" Clarice stammered, hiding under the picnic basket.

"Of course!" said Barmey. "That's Fred Asteroid, the dancing asteroid. He usually dances with Ginger Rockets, who..."

"...came from the town of Wuggafluggia a couple of miles from my cave". Boasted Barmey. "Fred and Ginger are the best dancing team south of the Little Dipper!"

Barmey went on and on, gushing about "Fred & Ginger" until Clarice thought her ears were going numb. She turned to ask Paisley how far they were from the next landing, but Paisley was gone!

"Platypus overboard" yelled Clarice, searching the river behind them for any sign of Paisley.

"Oh dear" whined Barmey "You don't think she'll mind if I eat her piece of smurgleberry pie then do you" he said as he eyed the pie with great anticipation.

"For Bob's sake Barmey, how could you possibly think about pie at time like this?" Clarice asked in disgust. "We have to..."

...pull Mrs. Paisley back into the boat. There she is over there. You pull her in, and I'll give you directions on reviving her if she's swallowed a lot of water."

"Why won't *you* be helping to pull her in?" Barmey demanded.

"My nails are still drying," Clarice said. "It won't do to get them we..." SPLASH.

"Pig overboard!" Barmey announced as he reached into the basket for the rest of the smurgleberry pie.

"I'd say the biggest pig of all is the one in the boat," observed Fred Asteroid, tapping faster than...

Mrs Paisely was drowning!

Just then a hot air ballon, in the shap of a pig came flying over. Someone from within the balloon dropped a rope ladder down to Mrs Pasiey just in time as she was just about to

...hit a big rock in the middle of the stream. As she was reaching for the rope ladder she saw Clarice sputtering and floundering on the other side of the river. (If you've ever seen someone trying to swim without getting their nails wet, you'd know exactly what I was talking about!) Holding onto the rope she kicked and swam over to Clarice, pulling the ladder behind her. Struggling with the ladder, she looked up to get her final bearing on Clarice and... Clarice wasn't there! Clarice! Clarrrrrriiiiiiiiiice! Ms Paisley called her name but there was no reply. Oh dear! Cried Ms. Paisley, our sweet Clairice has...