h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey...um.
I just started it the mail room and I noticed a flyer about the softball team. Well, actually, I found it on the floor. Ok, ok, I stole it from someone else's mailbox. OK?
So...you have a spot for a center fielder?
I'm hoping getting on the team will help get me out of the mail room and into a position where I can take advantage of my skills in the art of roughing people up in a civilized, military way.
I could also help out as the waterboy too.

Congratulations, you are on the team! However, be warned that you must fight every day for your roster spot. NO DROPPED FLYBALLS! Oh, and if one of my oldest pals asks for center field, you will be moved to another position. Sorry, but I've known them longer.

The good news is that now people have a new way to get to your page. Take advantage and write some good stuff, and perhaps one day you will be able to get out of the mail room.

If you are interested in roughing people up, you might take a look at my page on hockey at http://www.h2g2.com/p81406

I played 1st base for a while in a fun league. I even bought a glove, because nobody would throw me the damned ball.

I play shortstop in a softball league that pretty much plays year round (it doesn't snow much in South Texas). We aren't that great of a team, but the league isn't that great either, so we get along fine.

I took your post as an invitation to sign you up as a first baseman. Don't forget your glove! And when someone hits the ball to you, above all, DON'T PANIC!

The essential element in playing first base is knowing where to put your beer so it doesn't get knocked over.

Thanks frink!

I play outfield (although that's usually way-outfield). I'm usually pretty good but you might find me getting distracted and chasing butterflies with my glove. . . apart from this, I'm your man for the outfield!!!

Ok, you are the new left fielder. Congratulations! However, no one gets a free ride just for playing one position - you must also choose a secondary function.

By the way, if you are planning to catch butterflies in one glove, just bring another to catch the ball with.

well I am multiskilled (or so the boss writes on my appraisals, meaning I can drool and scratch my arse at the same time), but what do I have to offer the team??
I could be the team drug dispenser or perhaps the team psychotherapist. . . or the drug-dispensing bus driver. . . whatever you like. . .
(and with that he trudges out to the outfield and looks for somewhere to put his beer down)

drug dispenser I think. We don't want to give the wrong message about driving the bus under the effects of certain various miscellaneous mind-altering substances.

Can I be the pitcher???? The pitcher the pitcher??? See, cuz my sister, she thinks she's so cool cuz she is all athletic...and...I...I just want to prove myself, you know? I promise I won't walk anyone, and stuff...I'm in San Diego, and I know that the team isn't doing too well now (they're getting better...), but I've been researching them and I know how Boringer pitched when they WERE good, and I HAVE THE SKILL! I HAVE THE POWER!! I can pitch...like NO OTHER!!! BUHWA BUHWA BUHWA!!!!
Please?

I went with "Pusher." Hope that works. What does Ac-1D stand for, by the way?

Welcome to the team. You might want to keep that BB Gun handy in case the other team gets violent when you strike them out. And you also may want to grow a scary-looking goatee to intimidate the other team. These are some of the extra responsibilities you bring upon yourself when you decide to be a pitcher.

Wow, thanks! Sniper...I can dig it. But hey, it's kinda hard for me to grow a goatee. I mean...well...
I'd be willing to do it if you (the company) pays for the hormonal treatments. Otherwise...I just can't. And do I
hafta cut my hair? I think the long hair thing is threatening...but hey.

I would prefer drug dispenser, as pusher sounds a little bit like exertion. I don't want to ruin my apathetic reputation by creating the impression that I do work in any sense of the word. But hey, it's your page. I don't actually care enough to organise a large disruptive protest in the street outside your house and I don't know where you live anyway so you do what you're comfortable with.
As for what Ac-1D stands for - it is the code number the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation assigned to our particular batch: Apathetic Cyborg series 1 model D.
"Is your house immaculately tidy? Workplace just a little too efficient? With the new series 1 Apathetic cyborgs, you can rid yourself of this worry. Not only will your new life-like lump of lard sit around on your couch, eat all your food and do F**k All all day, it will completely ignore all your nagging and leave untidiness wherever it goes, if it ever actually goes anywhere at all. Just think of the wages you could be paying it in exchange for absolutely nothing!!! All this for only $19.95!!!"

You don't need hormones, just some stick-on facial hair. Don't bother to cut your hair, especially if it is really long, because all that hair whipping around can be really distracting to the batter.

How does pharmacist grab you?

Apathetic, huh? I don't want to see any apathy out on the field. Win, win, win!

Pharmacist. I like that.
Win Win Win huh? Sounds good to me - I just hope Fenchurch is such a good pitcher that the ball never gets smacked out over the leftfield.
But if it does I'm sure I can pull myself out of the beanbag long enough to take a catch.

I'm sure that if Fenchurch pitches as well as we believe she does, you'll need a talented catcher. I can't give you that, but I can sit on my heels behind a bunch of padding, sticka glove out in front of me, and hope. I find it quite effective when it works.
As for a secondary title, you can put me in under "Technical Consultant".

I promise I will add you to the roster as soon as I get some sleep.

In the meantime, I noticed you are from Maine. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? That would be good, because the team has more of a need for a lookout than for a technical consultant. If not, than I guess we'll make do with a t.c. What kind of consulting to you do?

None of you have to worry. I can pitch...and I can pitch good. My most recent fastball was clocked at over 30 miles an hour-which assures that the other team will be swinging far before the ball actually gets there, thus striking out over and over again. She has grown the nessecary facial hair (see 2nd picture http://www.h2g2.com/U37819 <--there) and Exist@Random has nothing to worry about-I'll aim at the glove. When I quack like a duck and do a break dance movement, that means it'll be a curveball. If I spin my hair around fast enough to lift me off the floor, that means it'll be a fast ball. And if I do a cartwheel and then wind my arm up, just make sure your helmet is on tight.
As for leftfield, I can't assure we won't be going against any Gwynns or Riveras, but I'm right handed. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but right is opposite of left, so it's gotta count for something.