h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(Geordie= person from newcastle-upon-Tyne, Smoggie= someone from Middlesbrough, Mackem= someone from Sunderland)

A Mackem was sitting with an Geordie and an Smoggie in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police
entered and arrested them. They were initially given the death
sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it
was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after
each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their
punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:" It's my first wife's birthday today
and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but
you can not wish to not be whipped!"

The Smoggie thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my
back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes
before the whip went through. The Smoggie cried in pain.

The Geordie saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before
whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Geordie
stood up smiling.

The Mackem saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh
said: " As you are from Sunderland I feel sorry for you, all that promise wasted and now no premiership team,you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The Mackem thought for a second then said: "Thank you most Royal and
Merciful Highness. My first ! wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the
strongest, toughest whip available."

"If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face,
"and your second wish?"

"Tie the Geordie to my back!"

(joke lifted from http://www.readytogo.net/smb/viewtopic.php?t=106020 )

Heh. Numb smoggie.

So a cockney goes into a Tyneside police station to report that his wife has gone missing...

Officer my wife has gone missing.

Wey pet Am Soorry to hear thet. Whits her nam ?

Anna

I kna ye kna, but ah divent kna. Whits her nam ?

Translating that did take a bit of work

Courtesy of a Newcastle Brown 4 pack from 30 years ago.

A Glaswegian walks into a bakery and rasps at the assistant:

"Is thet a macarooon in yer winder or a meringue?"

The assistant replies: "No, you're perfectly right sir, it's a macaroon"

B