h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We had invited the in-laws to us for xmas. They said no because MIL said she thought my mum and I wouldn't want her and FIL around at what might be a difficult time. I said they were welcome but they said no.

When the offer came up for J to work in Australia we wanted to visit without the boys so that we could focus on seeing what we needed to see without having to try to keep a 4 year old and a three year old entertained.

We appealed to the grandparents, to share looking after the boys for 5 days each which we thought would give us a week on the ground to do all our scoping out and find somewhere (an eara, at least) to live if we decided to do it. My mum works and has no holiday left because of taking it all when dad was dying, but even so she juggled things so that she could do either before christmas or after new year (she is away for 4 nights over new year, at a spa with a friend who is taking care of her - she is dreading seeing in a new year without dad. She didn't want us to go, but she sorted things so we could.

My MIL said she couldn't do before xmas as she had to be 'on call' in case BIL needed her as he was having a (minor) operation. Not sure what MIL would be needed for over and above what his fiancee would be doing but still... and after christmas? They said, it was too hard to look after the boys for us, when we really needed it. They would do a day, two at a push, but no more. So.

Things moved on, the spreadsheets didn't stack up so we decided not to go downunder for now, but called in-laws to see if they wanted to come to t'Other's birthday party on 28th. They said they were spending christmas with BIL but could come on boxing day, for the day. We said we had switched to go to my Mum's for xmas once they had said they didn't want to come and wouldn't be there on boxing day, did they want to come the 27th or for his party.

They said no, so we won't be seeing them this christmas.

I won't be trying again.

I've always been inclined to say to the family "these are our plans, do you want to join in, and if so, when?" and leave it at that.

although in your mum's case in your position I'd have let her set the pace.

families - you absolutely can't choose them. What does your OH say about it?

They are very much not being worth the effort you are putting in at the moment. So, yeah, no reason to try again.

Wow. Families, huh? You never know if it's going to work or not. Spend no energy on them dear. Spend your time and on those who appreciate it. But it must be tough for your husband...

It's their loss, Kelli.

I have a child I couldn't pay either grandparents to look after so I could work, but it's a bit much for just a few days, then to refuse to visit for birthdays and christmas? What's the matter with them?

I don't know but it explains why J is so emotionally retarded.

I think they either prefer J's little brother, or don't like me. Not sure which. It might be that they are so selfish that although they can put themselves out to drive from Scotland to Chester for J's brother, the extra 2.5 hours down to us is more than they can be bothered with. They never wanted to waste his dad's annual leave to come and see us so not sure really.

I've said it before, but I *really* mean it this time - that is it. I will not make even the slightest effort with them any more. No more emails with photos of the boys, no more reminding J to ring them on a sunday, no more begrudgingly arranging to go up and visit them in Scotland once a year.

I know the boys will miss out on seeing their grandparents, but i don't think they will lose too much not having those people in their lives. Makes me doubly sad that they've lost my dad though, who would have been the most involved grandad.

I'm so sorry kelli, it is a sad situation. But I think you made a good decision. They are just not worth the effort.
And you're right, it seems to explain some things about J.



Are there other old people near that you can have/make friends with who can function as bonus grandparents? Church, if you go, or something like that? Neigbours?

My parents run backwards and forwards at weekends collecting my brother's daughter from her mother - an hour round trip. But running my son anywhere is just too much trouble. Oh, and going to Cornwall on a train for my other brother's children to bring them back, the same day that's fine too. But making the effort to visit my son, or my third (and final) brother's daughter who both live within 10 mins of their house, that's just too much trouble.

Our parents don't make life easy for any of us. Scotland is quite far, but surely, this year you come to us, next year we'll come to you, and repeat is doable for family? I feel for you.

We have invited them for christmas here three times - at least this time they said no early on - the other two times they said yes then cancelled within a day or two of christmas, when everything had already been bought etc etc.

I just don't feel it is worth making the effort with them any more. We asked for help so that we could make what might have been the biggest decision of our lives and they said no - not because of other commitments but because it was too much effort. They can't be bothered to come to see t'other for his birthday or either of the boys for xmas (oh, but they'll be at BIL's for his son's birthday and then christmas there because that isn't too much effort). Well, 'em. It is suddenly too much work for me to organise photos to send, too much work to get t'Boy to write their christmas card, too much effort to try to call them when the boys are up - there are any number of things that are now too much effort.

D*mn right it's too much effort.
If J wants contact with his parents, that's his business.
If the boys get an urge to contact them, well fine, let them. But don't take on things that are pointless.
Spend your energy where you get some back.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this with them over and over. Just cutting off contact seems the best thing. Once the boys are a little older, you can explain how hard you tried and that their grandparents just weren't interested. I'm sure they'll understand.

How does J get along with his brother?