h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Hotblack,
Well, I can see we're going to have to send the LAL* unit to your house!
And while we're at it we want to know where you got all that top secret info? The only thing you got wrong was the basic disposition of the Leprechaun: they're evil little b*****s as you would know if you ever sat on one by mistake (they're short and they live in burrows, of course one is going to sit on 'em, what do they expect?)
It took six weeks to get the teeth marks out of my ass.

Anyway, under the terms of the Nonexistance pact of 1922 you are hereby fined six hundred ounces of Fairy gold or if more convenient two plates of cream to be left at the fairy mound of your choice. Don't omit to pay this or you will have the little twerps done upon your house ( you know the routine, keys missing, pets wandering off, cars left in gear driving through front room window, the usual stuff)

In future could you please not tell the tourists about the Leprechauns ? under the 1922 agreement they get 1% of the gross national tourism revenue: they haven't bothered claiming it for the last forty years but if they see tourists all over the shop, annoying them and digging up fields looking for gold......well, there'll be consequences, that's all I'm saying.

Yours in vexation
The Human-Sidhe liaison Group


*Leprechauns At Large

Look buddy,
Did you read the title of the essay:
Leprechauns:everything you need to know
yup. everything. read it and weep sista! Anyways, the amount of tourists that will actually meet a leprechaun is a lot less than that off the amount of bored teenagers who will bother them if they don't if you catch my drift.

Now, now, as for what you said about them being not very nice folk... well, that, in itself is not very nice is it? If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!

Also, how did you get your info? As I said, I have been studying them and their habits for years, hence my knowledge. I've seen 'em born, grow, win judo competitions, marry, have other baby leprechauns and die. I therefore, have a long, trusting relationship with them.

As for the fairy dust matter... what are you on? Have the leprechauns given you angeldust or something. Fairies are extinct. No wonder their currency was so worthless.

If you have any problems with the above, let me know


Yours faithfully
Hotblack.

Now look, mate, we can do this the easy way or the leprechaun way...we at the dept for Human-Sidhe relations don't care how many of the little b*****ds you've watched ponce around at their judo classes, (although we're intrigued by the amount of time you've spent studying their sexual habits!)we're telling you, you can't go round telling people about leprechauns. What are you trying to do, cause another incident like that one with Reagan? do you know how many people we had to bribe to cover that up? Look, just don't tell anyone where to find the little savages and we won't send around the boys at the L.A.L.!!
Oh, and the Fairies League of earpullers, arse pinchers and ball crushers want a word with you. SOmething about calling them extinct? anyway they'll be around to see you, so they say.....
yours
Human-Sidhe Liaison officer
Liossa