h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The next few weeks were busy ones.

If Marduk was to accept squirrels, someone had to get past their bouncers and convince them. Those of us who had visited them were no longer welcome. And who, exactly, did we need to persuade? Millions seemed to live on Marduk, but we'd only met three or four of them.

Somehow Peregrine got a printout of the words of the receptionist we had met in our first encounter in Marduk. They were not encouraging: . "The interstellar squirrel conspiracy is more cunning than you can imagine. How can we be sure they have not planted microchips in your clothing? If they know where we are, they can attack us..."

"Sometimes the ordinary people in a society are more perceptive than their leaders," Florence said at one of our brainstorming sessions. "If we could broadcast a message by an articulate, non-threatening squirrel -- Cutie Pie seems to fit the bill -- acceptance might begin to happen."

This idea seemed to show promise, and we didn't actually have anything else to go with. So I picked the phone and asked Bambi if Cutie Pie could learn to speak.

"I think she could be trained," Bambi said. "What would you like her to say."

I asked her to give us a few hours to compose a message. Then I asked Spot the Wonder Dog about Internet use on Marduk. "It's the same as that on Earth," Spot said. "The Mardukians see no need for reinventing the wheel. If the Earth has a good system of computers, they send their operatives over to buy whatever they need."

"One more thing, Spot," I said. "What time of the year are the Mardukians most receptive?"

"That's easy. Thanksgiving.'

On Thanksgiving Day, we sent Bambi through the portal to Marduk. Hidden in her jacket was a transmitter that Caleb had rigged up. Before the Mardukian defenses could even register Bambi's presence, the transmitter had sent a signal into the Mardukian Internet with a video of Cutie Pie.:

"Dear Mardukians," she said, "I am not on your planet, and I will never do you any harm.
The transmitter that is sending this message will self-destruct shortly, and no one will know where Marduk is. I apologize for the actions of my fellow squirrels. Life as they knew it on Earth was an endless flight from danger. Almost anything they encountered was a possible predator. You, who have never had to worry about being eaten, cannot know what this was like. When they found their way onto your planet, something in your air or water made them smarter, but not wise enough to rise above their instincts. Then they found your computers, which had software with military applications. They used it to wage war on you, which, after all, was what the software was designed for.

"My name is Cutie Pie. I grew in a lab where scientists were trying to breed intelligent squirrels who could learn to cooperate with humans for the benefit of all. Over time, we hope to help the humans on Earth build back the forests that have been destroyed, care for endangered plants, and help do scientific research in places where humans cannot go. We think that intelligent, properly trained squirrels can help you in similar ways if you will let us. We will wait for your reply to this message. We wish you a happy Thanksgiving, and we wish you the best for the future."

There!

I've thrown everything I can think of into the plot. I really want things to turn out all right, and yet I have to be wary of being too much of a Pollyanna [or paulhyanna].

Things could still go horribly wrong. It's good plotting to make the readers worry that unimaginable disaster lies ahead, so if it unexpectedly turns out okay, they'll be swept by such a wave of relief that they won't notice how threadbare much of the story was .

Writing is hard. There are many passages that could have been better, but weren't likely to be rewritten because then *everything* would need rewriting.

Characters are the weak link here. The range of behaviors each of Cosmo's children has is not broad. They have skills, and they're indispensable at key junctures, but does anyone think they have a clear picture of them as people? Caleb and Florence [ebb and flow] are jacks of all trade. When something needs to be done, and the other four cousinlets are not plausible candidates, I have to invent some backstory for C & F so they can do what the plot requires. Subtle and well thought out it's not.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because this is what it's like to be a writer. A writer writes, and tries to write better against seemingly insurmountable odds sometimes.....