h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Bambi knew more about squirrels than anyone we had ever met.

"Squirrels can thrive in the biggest cities," she told us. "They learn from observation, make intelligent choices, and remember where they've buried as many as 10,000 nuts, so they can dig them up again when they need them. And they manage all this while being constantly alert for danger from predators."

"But they're deceptive," Faun said. "I've seen them dig holes and pretend to bury nuts there when there were actually none there."

"That's rare in animals," Bambi said, "but squirrels are also capable of trust. They're among the few wild animals that will eat out of your hand."

"Trust, my eye!" Sibyll exclaimed. "They're supposed to hate daffodils, yet they dig up what I've planted and bury them somewhere else. That's why the plants I wanted in front of my house ended up in the septic system leaching field. !"

"We've used selective breeding to produce a line of squirrels capable of working with humans," Bambi said. "It's taken a decade to do this, and we still find it necessary to train each one for six months to get them to the point where they can be really helpful."

"But why put them in front of computers?" Joseph asked.

Bambi sighed. "That wouldn't have been my first choice, but the funding I rely on comes from people who want computer-literate squirrels."

"Be afraid, be very afraid," said Peregrine under his breath.

[I get confused from time to time. The Mardukians didn't understand English at first, relying on translations that came through their headsets. Then I forgot about this and had the later characters speak perfect English. In today's installment, I almost had a character who wasn't there say the last line. In yesterday's nutshell, Caleb didn't go on the visit to Oakdale, yet in today's one I had him say the last line, until I remembered that he wasn't supposed to be there. I had to change it to Peregrine...]

You should talk to Minorvogonpoet - she's having similarly hallucinatory writing experiences with French people in caves...

Lascaux over there and help her out.

The next step will be a pooling of minds to persuade the Mardukians that having the right kind of squirrel would benefit them.

A secondary objective would be a crash course to make the Mardukians learn new behaviors that Earthlings would like when they arrive here next September.