h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

We persuaded the man that he should at least let us see the planet before we got into anti-squirrel tactics. Spot the Wonder Dog, a model of canine hyper-intelligence, showed us around. Marduk turned out to be a beautiful place with lush vegetation, buildings that looked impressive while making use of every inch of space, and parks that were never more than four blocks from anyone's home. The Mardukians had brought plants and animals with them from Earth, and they took good care of them.

Marduk had it all: clean air, fresh mountain streams, and ingenious placement of everything so that most items of daily use could be obtained by walking.

"I hope you won't let my masters hear this, but I kind of miss squirrels," Spot admitted. "I may be smarter than the average dog, but there's something so satisfying about having squirrels to chase."

And speaking of which, Spot's nose seemed to pick up the scent of one of the rascals, for he dashed toward a patch of daffodils. The squirrel that had been peeking out of a hole there disappeared.

"Why would squirrels be interested in daffodils?" Faun wondered. "They're supposed to hate daffodils."

"These are no ordinary squirrels, just as I am no ordinary dog," Spot replied. "With heightened intelligence, they learned the art of haute cuisine. They can leach the noxious elements out of daffodils and make them delicious. Anyway, I don't mind that. It's the squirrel drones and warplanes that make squirrels so dangerous."

Dogs don't have pockets, but Spot had a communication device in a pouch hanging from his collar. He pulled it out, enlarged the screen, and showed us scenes from the last war. Millions of tiny but deadly planes, each containing one squirrel, swept out of the skies and left Mardukians bleeding and dying across the countryside.