h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Chapter 17

"If it's any consolation, you still get the money, the yacht, and the airline even though I'm not dead yet," Uncle Floyd said, putting a consoling hand on my shoulder.

"I thought I'd be happy with all that money, but they expect me to be captain of this ship. What do I know about running a ship?" I despaired, not removing my hands from my head.

"Then hire a good captain and relax. You can afford it," my uncle said in a breezy tone. "And for what it's worth, you may have twenty or thirty good years left to you. You might surprise yourself with what you could accomplish. My side of the family tends to last almost forever. Why, your Aunt Horrifia lived to be 97."

"She's still alive," I said. Horrifia was the nickname for Hortense Iphigenia. To those of us who knew her, the nickname was a strikingly accurate description of her disposition. Engaged at 27 to an heir to the Bourbon line of French royalty, she soured on life when her fiance jilted her. Deprived of Bourbon blood in her children's bloodline, she settled for the other kind of bourbon, which flowed readily from the bottles in her pantry. Her constitution survived the toll of all that alcohol, but her mind went around the bend.

"She's as good as brain-dead," Uncle Floyd said. "She thinks she's the Duchesse d'Angouleme, the daughter of Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI."

"I know," I said. "I saw her in Times Square a couple months ago, dressed as the Duchesse and handing out slices of cake on period plates from her wheelchair. Most people seemed to think she was a sad case, but they liked the cake."

"She's always been very literal-minded," Uncle Floyd mused. "Marie Antoinette said, 'Let them eat cake,' so Aunt Horrifia as the Duchesse is making sure everybody gets a slice."

This conversation was doing nothing to improve my mood, though I did have a hankering for something sweet. I did not get it. The helmsman picked this moment to consult with me about the best way through the reefs. "Look over there," he told me, pointing to what looked like a bare patch of ocean. "There are rocks, to be sure, but they're far enough under the surface that we might be able to slide over them without damage. That's the good news."

"And of course there is bad news too, isn't there?" I said.

"Yes. The submerged rocks are pointed toward the island, so that when we try to come back by the same route, they are more likely to puncture out hull."

"I think you're trying to say that we can get to the island, but will be stuck there," I concluded.

"Yes, I think that that is what I'm trying to say," the helmsman agreed.

[Amy P]

I love these lines ["I know," I said. "I saw her in Times Square a couple months ago, dressed as the Duchesse and handing out slices of cake on period plates from her wheelchair. Most people seemed to think she was a sad case, but they liked the cake."

"She's always been very literal-minded," Uncle Floyd mused. "Marie Antoinette said, 'Let them eat cake,' so Aunt Horrifia as the Duchesse is making sure everybody gets a slice."]

Why do I suddenly want a Jack D and a piece of Dundee cake? Mmmm

Why didn't they hijack the helicopter to get to the island ?

That would have shortened the story too much, and I would have had nothing to write about after the 15th, TC.