h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well. that chemo session really didn't try quite as hard as it might have seemed.... really feeling like I'm over it now. yeh... yeh... I know... I'm bouncing all over the place, energy wise, concentration wise, teenage angst wise.... and... but at least the nausea, the new turn-up this time, seems to have been.... a short lived kinda thing....

TBH. I'm not even...100% sure its nausea.

I've never done vomit, sick, in my life really.... well, OK a few times maybe, quick short lived stomach bug type things, but, they've been, well... kinda instant; from an oh I feel a bit sick, to shouting at the man round the U-bend, in a pretty swift kinda move from one to the other.... this sort of... hmm. nah, ya see I don't really have the... knowledge of it, to know it is it... as it were

I dunno.... sort of odd feeling in generalised abdominal area... - like the somewhat ... perplexed sounds it evoked, when nurses, docs etc, were talking about constipation and stuff... and... nope. never done that either, so of course I've got to ask em what it 'feels' like, what teh ... well, what it is innit seriously.

well... whatever the 'nausea' was ... dinny seem to hang on long...

now... just background general bleh... and... its so kinda nothing... it oughta just bluddy be nothing
hmm.... its like.... the top 10% of concentration is just gone..... the top 10 to 20% of energy is gone.... the top 15 to 20% congnative ... processing is missing.... the top 10% of... 'get up an do stuff' is abscent... and... the sparkle... zing... is missing... and... bleh... concentration being shot is a real pain... - can't pass time, by reading, or even listeing to music properly for any length of time....

oddly. I'm fine concentrating on some stuff; give me a decent peer reviewed scientific paper, on immunology... genetics... bioinformatics (and yes, most often as not, ATM about cancer, chemo, lymphoma/leukemia, radiotherapy, etc., etc ) and... i'm over it like a rash... stats in it... the science... its... just second-nature, and seems to work.... and I can process, and concentrate, despite, well, it being well over a decade since any of my seriousness in the science/accademia type stuff

I think... actually... so much of this... the concentration, cognative, is more to do with the stroke/hemorridge I had, end of Jan.... - really must try chase that up, neurology just washed their hands of me, as soon as they'd done what they clearly wanted; gave me the lumber puncture thinggy... - they're afraid of my brain.


actually. I can't blame them. I'm afraid of my brain... its scarey sometimes

How the heck can I process and understand real stats in science papers... and fail to do basic mental addition consistantly it makes no sense...

bleh.

Still not convinced I'm not having some kind of midlife crisis.... only I'm way too young... but calling it teenage angst.... just doesn't seem right either though.... I do like the idea of teenage angst.... its more about my ..... level TBH and I'm still trying to lie to nurses that my year of birth is 1996, afterall

had a gorgeous bath tonight basically... each day now... seems to jst be working until bath time providing myself with sufficient, and appropiately timed food, before hand to allow drugs to be balanced out, and, trying hydrate myself, with constant kitchen steralisation, hand washing, to... just get to bathtime.

I had my rubber ducks with me in the bath tonight ... the bath still isn't big enough... not deep enough or long enough, for my liking... but nothing I can do about that <wah. for now...

a gorgeous bath bomb.... all spicey... sandlewood...... rose absolute, I think, jasmine, and some other stuff.... really nice and oil/moisturising too, made my skin so soft, imediately on descending into the way way way too hot water kinda.... passing out hot... esp with the glorious mind altering scents embibing into me
and, then the gorgeous bath melt I'm addicted too ... frankenscence, more sandlewood.... very... sort of.... Indian... spicey... sort of... dunno... just so gorgeous

Even the bloke in Lush who served me this time, when we handed him my..... overllowing basket, commented that it looked very relaxing a mix I'd picked...

I just... bath in it... so... blissy... zen...

the oats... of course... in the melt too... so so supper soft skin didin't want to get out of the bath but had to eventually... I was getting parched asides anything else <laugh. drank a bottle of 750 ML juice soon as I was finished drying myself, and moisturising....



wnt a bit.... on the moisturisation found a bottle of coco moisturiser....

so... whilst dancing to some zappa.... really.... at about 39000000 whats on the hifi... moistruised with that

then... the MP3 player moved on... and dished up some prince.... now... that has* to be danced too... most.... camply so.... I got the coconut oil out too ........

I'm at serious fire risk at times like this... no one light a naked flame near me, or I'll go up!

so to that... and... well... finally got dressed, and made it to the kitchen, to rehydrate with juice

and... now I'm boared.... seriously serioulsy boared... I'd read... only I've no concentration... I'd... dunno. do something... but I'm too... discordinated... and my fingers don't work right... and... I'm boared... and no concentration and... bleh. boared. wrestless... and ... bleh... dunno what to do.... - this is often a dangerous state of affairs for me to be in... but... luckily... i really doubt I've the energy to do anything wildly stupid right now ... tankfully bleh. bleh. bleh. boared.
and.... must try find... something to do....

Maybe you should purchase a life preserver. Wear it in the bath. Maybe you could get a good sleep that way.

bleh. OK... found something to do eventually... just... a little light reading... so not a good idea this late at night, with.... dodgy cognition in some respekts well... those scientific papers confirmed my thinking... not necessarily in a good way mind but... knowledge is power... or something Hmmm.... yeh. having the autoimmune nonsense, as I seemingly... maybe... do ; visa the Addison's , coexisting with lymphoma, Hodgkin's, isn't a great idea apparently well.... I was kinda thinking that too... but... looking at the numbers is less fun than.... well.... almost anything TBH about 10% higher mortality in 5 and 10 year survival rates, basically. but, not exactly many studies on it, TBH, seems the links more closely allied with non-hodgkins and autoimmunity, but.... a bit confusing on the details, of the study's I've seen.... and judging by what they don't include, I'm guessing some of the finer details of patient differnces, is... silly, in my case. -
I'm not like other patients (yeh...... talk about..... extra meanings in that eh?!) age in particular, and odd presentaion, and my not having multiple stuff, lymphoma wise, as such, and no large medestenial mass which is... kinda very positive... plus, stil not convinced by some of this Addison's diagnosis thing.... there's potentially so much interplay, what with both basically being lymphocyte drive, basically. and... stuff Sadly, non of these studies, seem to break down patient groups sufficiently, esp age wise, as they just concentrate on sex.... err... no not that way hmmm....

hte phrase 'sexual disfunction', and seperate to fertility (like the latter doesn't bug me in the slightest), is.... a tad and.... no prize for the first person to say I've been doing 'sexual disfunction' for years
Hmm. I was.... already there I think.... in having figured the former out... but, it was a notable non mentioned side affect by my consultant. err, any of the consultants I saw....

Hormonal things..... are non-normal in .... a more than normal non-normal way.... Mind, no bloods have shown that, to my knowledge... but... i really don't think I need them... to tell... me

Mind. not all.... necessarily... negatively... for someon who's.... err. me. basically amnit... I can't even take this serious stuff.... seriously

Oh.... well...

Hmm.

must try push the consultant on the autoimmunity front though; so-much for this multidesplinary approch rubbish, they don't seem to like that much, IMO.... and oncology wanna ignore my Addison's, possible hypothyroidism, penitious anemia, and BoB-knows what else; SLE potentially, rhyumatoid arthritus, and... well... basically anything from the shopping list of stuff I did my MSc dissertation on.

odd. random seeming connections and .... coincidences like that... phase me... I don't like coincidences.... makes me... nervous of connections being overlooked... ignored... or just plain missed....If you catch my drift; I've asked so many times about albeit pretty rare unlikely stuff, like secondary Adrenal lymphocytic infiltration, again. and again... and... no ones answered my questions.

really not helped by my not even seeing a consultant, Thursday; I'd taken the safety catch option; and W had a list of questions I had. which, of course, we didn't get to ask (to prevent me just forgetting due to brain fog)

getting quite bored of it all really... in a strange dissascioated kinda way... which ... probably isn't good, and is just because brain ain't working as it should.... which, of course, ties back to the Addison's, if indeed they're remotely right that the grand-mal, fit, seizure, hemorridge thinggy I had was indeed Addisonian crisis and not some otter weird thing, as they first thought, visa my sodium thinggy... err... or something

stupid brain. still not right. .... and no prizes for anyone who suggests I've never had a right brain.... (partially true; most of my right brain was wrecked by the lorry, in 93, actually... but appears it wasn't a bit I particularly used for much anyhow)

Oh. well Guess I'll save a fortune on life insurance anyhow or pension planning err.... not that I was ever likely to do either anyhow

and. having a sex change might be a laugh.... who knows <biggrin.

Still can't decide if I should wear a dress to my final chemo.... W still states he'll not take me if I try he seems dead against taking me along on the leash too.... so I'm guessing in the dress, with the leash is right out.... - mind, part o fme, is ultra cautious of doing such a thing... I mean... I really don't want to... upset any other patients who might be in the day unit on that day... - it could... afterall... be the kinda of thing, to even be the final.... straw in a healthy person.... seeing me wonder in... chainmailed up... collared... in a dress and on a leash... and... I've enough hastle trying to keep my headphone cable from tangling up in my port line as it is.... a leash... might be...

ahh... screw it... It'll all... be marvelous... in the end.... whatever... that might turn out to be...

and. of course.

The end is just the beginning.

in oh so many ways.

Radiotherapy or no radiotherapy?: they're being koi about that again : I'll not give the go-head until I've got more details from them anyhow, and I've still no date yet for meeting with radiology consultant and.... radiotherapy or no radiotherapy... there may be a period of .... me haing to get better post-treatment, full stop, whether its just the chemo or chemo plus RT...

everything I've seen....... pushes the timescale further and further away from the 'end' than I want it to be.... we're talking years.

screw that. I'm thinking months is way too long... but I'm sure ... I can make it speed up somewhat. by sheer bluddy-mindedness and shouting, if nothing else or... something

its. just so boring. wanna get my body back... and my brain... well, what of each I can reclaim... anyhow

whatever is left.... Its so not gona be.... as boringly normal as I was before. that's before sure.

embrace the weird. and bring. it. on.

think I'll have another cuppa tea. and maybe some more snus.... got more in the post a few days back (the snus, that is, not the tea) damn there's some weird left to discover. do I get a prize when I uncover it all?

On the subject of your brain, I haven't read this article, just the headline, but you might find it of interest.

Chemo brain is real

http://news.ubc.ca/2015/04/27/chemo-brain-is-real-say-ubc-researchers/

OOO... must read that! I don't think its one I've seen; I know at least one of my consultants.... gave me a very discouraging 'look' when I mentioned chemo-brain; he's a non-believer in it.... ; OK: so I know the medical term is mild cognative impairment, or something like that.... but, with the word 'mild' in the titel..... is so inaccurate!; nothing mild at all about 'this'! trust me!; of course, I've got a combination; as I've almost certianly not 100% recovered from the hemorridge/grand mal brain malase.... - heck, I've almost certianly never recorvered fully from the 93 and 94 head traumas ; though I ddid recover enough to start A-levels the following year, then straight through Uni, and then through the masters... - clearly nothing of major importance got dammaged that* time; just the 90% we never use clearly

and. having said which.

two points of notice; I just tryped this into the search box, not the actual reply to the message edit box! - chemo brain!

and.... It so isn't a good idea for me to click through to that article right.... now...; oops! its 2.30 AM... and... I'm all chemo-ed out for one day I think.... cheno-brain... chemo-joints... chemo-muscles... and chemo-tried, and chemo-fatigue, and chemo-figures not typing well, either natch

I think.... I might have to go get theat final cuppa tea, then go beddies!; I'll try.... remember through the chemo brain, to look at that article in the morning, before William gets here thanks!

I've read it now. It wasn't a long article. Basically, they did a study of women with breast cancer going through chemo and determined that even when they think they're concentrating on a problem, their mind is in a disconnected state... wandering. It won't take you five minutes to read. The source articles might be more interesting with your background.

Oh! tjhat's so me! well.... asides the having 'breast cancer' bit... I hope! not just wondering and thinking about cancer, either..... thinking about all the stuff one can't do... plans to do when 'better', wants to do instead of.... etc., etc., and.... the fact I'm constantly thinking of what bits of the kitchen and house in general are seteralised at any moment, and 'safe' for me and my neutropenic state! here I am.... brain the size of a .....

Cool old Guy feeling pathetic by mentioning his flu
"Seems we are more or less on the same track.

AS I am trying to figure out the why and abouts of the Captcha , and on a side track a cure for my skin rash

You seem to study your own condition in the literature (as far as I comprehend) re-evaluating the symptoms and causes by first hand experience . "

-- I picked the right cancer in so many ways!;' not least because its the 'good cancer', given survival rates, and all that; but it is blood born, leukemia/lymphoma etc, so is derived from lymphocytes; hence from teh immune system; my Masters degree was in immunology! - true, I didn't know a great deal specifically about lymphoma until... well basically I got it but... its not like I've had to learn a new language, or words, or suchlike just to read even teh more basic articles and suchlike, whcih is a great help; and looking at science papers, and analysing data is what I did for my masters basically; looking at a differnt disease, or set of numbers, and suchlike, is a preyy minner details;
only problem is; I've got the damn chemo-brain!; so my thinking logically is a little... OK sometimes a lot screwy! but even so; it seems better at dealing with hard sciency stuff, than; say; me looking at a block of cheese; a loaf of bread, and a block of butter; seriously; my mind is sometimes so mush now I can't figure out how to construct the three items into a sandwich; whilst, at teh same time, I can run through sciency stuff in my head, at Masters level no problem!; it dinny make much sense sometimes


nothing makes much sense!

Just out in town with William.

the nausea crept up on me.... but... I was internally shouting at it and keeping it at bay....
nearing home, and one more ... well two more shops to go into I had to sit down near WAitrose, and W went in to get the couple things we want for dinner, and I sat in the sun, loverly fresh air/breeze too, which cleared my head, which as much as anything helps clear my tummy and just sitting quietly, listening to some music from a nearby shop, I concentrated the nausea away (yeh, I have no idea how I can do that just by thinking it away)
Then we walked back in teh direction of my house... but... I was a bit weak - you've no idea how much I curse.... at the very notion of such a bluddy thing as my feeling weak... its so* not me if anger could... hmmm. yeh, maybe it is just my anger that scares the nausea away

so came back to mine, adn I got a glass of water, which I was kinda needing I think, and now waiting for tea to brew, whilst W pops to teh final shop , near me, for a couple more things

but.

on getting back... bearing in mind... I was feeling...... a 'little' unwell, like ten minutes before.

and. W cuddled me and..... err.... dressed I might add... somhow doesn't seem right to be able to move so seemsly seemlessly from 'ill' to ... in ... like a minute