h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tomorrow.
3rd of 12.

quarter the way. 25%.

I'm not not just winning, so far. - I'm reinventing a weirder version of myself at the same time.

and. so far. this is the best version of me yet. with many of teh best aspects of the origional few versionf of '2legs', with some new..... relaxed attitutdes to other peoples attitudes, and the universe in general, thrown in.

William and I bought a teapot today. strickly speaking William bought the teapot, I bought myself a new, grey woolen coat.

I'm only winning, becuase of William, in particular and DQ too, of course, though its hard, her being so far away.

Emotionally I'm not strong. Physically.... I recon I still am.

William's stilll having a nap.... I'm going.... to go upstairs... and supprise him... in a way... I think he'll ... quite like.

hmm. any reaosn I can't go to the pub the night before chemo session number 3? I really fancy a beer... after dinner, natch.

didn't get to eat until late...

and... now its late... oughta go to bed... Sir's just gone up... although... I could..... but probably shouldn't... just sit up all night.... with the beer fom the fridge... that my Brother sort of left here... nah... that'd be such a tupid idea.
I'm tired anyhow, so sleep would be good. I've got... we''ve got an early start.
and.. Its hours of sitting having chemo in .... about twelve hours time, after all the bloods, seeing s, s etc... and I do have questions and things I need to ask consultant... so would be really sensible.Plus. Sir's here. and... well. and...
no. it'd be such a bad idea

to bed, per chance to cytotoxically sleep - despite success of sleeping tabs last night, not gonna take any tonight; need to be up at, by 8 AM, latest, really, and so don't wanna risk any sleeping tablet induced over-sleep; and, mainly don't wanna risk forcing myself up early, then having sleeping tablet groggy brain, as well as chemo foggy brain... that would be... so unplesent and... ungood.
hmm, simulary, of course, thinking about it, another rahter good reason to not sit up all night... drinking beer.

I'm so stupid ... dangerous... at the best of times

I'm going to go to bed. now.

Whatever I do its wrong.

well. lay in bed, for about five hours. before getting up. lots of nice cuddling with teddys and... ,loveblush>

kitchen surfaces steralised. drainer emptied.
coffee should be brewed.
zero hours sleep.
but. . .
I feel fine... honst... so bleedin weird... time to pour first... of... many s of the day - I'm sure surviving on caffine is a really bad long-term idea... but... if its what it takes to sulrvive the next five months... screw it... - may have to sneak out of the house... on my own ... (fairly sure I've not been outside on my own... since this ... stuff all started...) to find eggs... in ... a while when the shop nextdoor sounds open I could make William breakfast then, and serve it to him, with his morning coffee, when he wakes up/I go wake him

Thinking about you, 2legs. You go rock that chemo!

Wave to the fabulous William too.

As far as I'm concerned. the Lympoma is history, already; It made such a mistake attempting to live in my body; it found the entire situation far too surreal and vacated the building, I recon; won't get conformation of that, of course, for another fortnight or so (CT scan I seem to recall).

main delaterious affect is on my brain. but... given how surreal the '2legs X.0 is gradually developing to be), most of those cept the forgetfullness is probably..... easily missed

William, (and DQ) is everythign right now. I'd not so much 'couldn't do this without them', as 'wouldn't be doing this' without them. as it were.
I've let W lay in a bit longer... now I@m gona wake him.... - pity its so hard beins sneaky, given my chainmail acruitments on my wrist, and of course the colalr tends to 'clink' a bit, from teh O-ring... but I'll try...

Tthen can think about breakfast. a quick wash, coconut moisturisation, and deciding what shirt to wear... tempted for the purple silk again as William hand-washed them for me and they do match the collar so well, which is purple leather with the silver-metal o-ring etc

I really think the and s are a bit...... stuggling with what to 'make of me', and even moreso what to make of William and me,

entirely unsuitable mixture of heavy metal, strange jazz stuff, and erotic fiction on my MP3 player to help pass the hours of being pumped full of drugs - there is somethign so delisciously 'wrong feeling' about listening to erotic fiction whilst undergoing chemo... the ... juxtaposition of the two... rahter makes me smile

and... later... tonight... lodger's out, so the house is empty... and... lets just say... providing today's chemo isn't the 'make your body feel like its been in a train crash' one/variety (which I've not had yet, touch wood); I've plans hmmm... plans, and a..... beer with my name on it, damnit!

right.

time to wake W

Long long day.

chemo drug, actually took quicker than normal; ad they've noticed I'm indistructible, they've reduced the amoutn of saline, delivered with the actual cytotoxic drugs but, was delayed getting in, due to X-ray taking forever...

updating, to do... but. sort of tired;
Now been awake just over 49 hours. four hours of which plus, was recieving IV chemo drugs

cooked W and I pizza, salad and chips, when we got back; dessert is due soon; William may ahve to organise that... he's better than I at doing desserts

William. amusingly. showed the loverly chemo nurse I had today; a pic. ;
Of my new pillow pet teddy bears/dolls. she agreed they look cute. - then I remembered. it was teh photo in which; both of the new ppillow pets, are wearing collars one spiked
OH. W wants me...

Sir gone to bed. I'm getting a bit tired. but still... peeing out the saline from earlier and.... perhaps... also... just a little bit of the Guinness I'm drinking.

Sir said I could. and. I like to think of the two cans of Guinness I'm having, as a more organic sleeping forumular, than a couple of chemical sleeping tablets. and.

damnit.

think I deserve a bluddy beer.

Hoping you got some sleep. Hang in there. Which of course you are.

"hang on there"?
----

no! I refuse to 'hang on there'. I'm abliterating this lymphoma tackling a universe of normality, with an even more agressively percular version of 2legs. maxamising and growing my.... submission, having a clearer, cleaner, more organised house than I have had in over ten years, living more than I have in.... a long while.... and feeling..... being.... and giving more love... to certain people than ever I think I hae done before. and thriving and soaking up chemo drugs like there is no tomorrow..... and.... making nurses .... laugh their s off, during the process

this isn't just cancer..... this is 2legs does cancer with style, class..... smut and debauchery thrown in for th ehell of it

I nearly cried during the conversation with my consultant yesterday..... I think he, the consultant knows I know enough about biology due to my accademic background, for me to get his drift, without it being apparent.... but I think he's given into my 'thinking' and now understands I'm indestructible too. and ... the change from CT scan to having a PET, this early on, in what should be a long treatment process.... suggests he's thinking along the lines of how I am.... in terms of how far I've banquished this ill-placed intruder, from my system; no cancer should have dared occupy my body...; its just an unsafe place for anything much to reside

I can still hear the nurses laughter from yesterday; when I explained.... with a certain degree of seriousness; how I cope well with chemo drugs; as they are nothing as compared to the illegal drugs I'd 'take for fun' in my (slightly) younger youth-days.... - and how I was kinda chuffed to have actually survived long enough to contract something like cancer, given my lifestyle..... at certain points in my ... debauched life.... (lets just say.... there was a slight bit of nervousness in me, when I got a phonecall a while back; giving results of the HIV/Hep C blood test (both negative, BTW)))


I bought more pillow pets!- I'll need a bigger.... or second bed soon, to cope with the plethra of cute.. gorgeous... cuddly toys they're so cute.... and useful.... should my rubbish emotional side, need some.... help ... still can't quite get my head round how emotionaly weak I am.... I always figured that bit of me, was stronger than the physical.... turns out was the other way round


Mind. in a fabulusly.... I think... sort of subby way.... kinda thinking more of others, than myself; worse/best/most extensive cry/ so far; was when I cried for my Mother, who died when I was... 13/14, from breast cancer. ---

I was just laying in bed.... sort of napping... cuddling with William/Sir.... and feeling quite ropey, physically at that point, from the initial chemo onslaught, and still not really 'getting that I was ill'.... then I kinda.... realised... . how ill my mum must have felt... and I kinda fell to bits... for a while.... just feeling so sad for her, and what she had gone through.

Think that may have been the first time ever I've cried for my Mother's death. Life's a funny thing... I guess... = I've barely got the hang of life

really... good job I've years to carry on figuring it out

I've started looking at flights... for august... not that I'm over-confedent or anything... and I'm not stupid enough to waste money; wanna know length of treatment/finish point, for certain first...; still rumour of some loverly warming radiation towards the end of summer

beer; just two cans, worked a treat last night... I slept! --- I figure a couple cans relatively weak beer, has to be healthier, than strong sleeping tablets, with all the risk ofaddiction they give; plus the horrible groggyness they give me the next morning : TBH; tiredness after 80 hours plus not sleeping is almost preferable to that groggyness from the sleeping tabs! well... almost; was about 55 hours no sleep until I slept last night/early hours today!

*grins* You are right, of course. The cancer never stood a chance. And the medical staff are lucky to have you. Cheering them up. Expanding their universe. It's all good.

for you and your Mum. I'm not surprised you made the connection. I'm sorry for your loss.

Have you tried valarian? I think it's the less powerful more natural cousin of valium and as it seems to be freely available, not addictive. I found it very helpful when I had stress insomnia, although I appreciate your insomnia may be chemical. Anyway, just a thought. I'm with you on the beer actually.

Sir said I can have a beer more tonight.... and wasn't too... annoyed I'd already had one; I'm not drinking spirits, or wine, etc; possibly never again, TBH: giving up smoking.... reducing even more my drinking... TBH: I think I'm far weirder and non normal, practically 100% sober beer.... not like i drink a lot of that anyhow, even before the being a bit ill thing...

and Sir said I can buy more guinness tomorrow to replenish stocks.

my family doesn't do well as regards cacner. I'm goin to be the third time lucky, in surviving. first my older Brother died of leukemia, (yeh, probably my lymphoma related to genetic disposition), never new older Brother. then my Mum, breast cancer when I was young. --

reckon we're due a break now I'm the third, in recent years/liniage

also. given I see stats of like 1 in 3, possibly 1 in 2 people, soon, over course of lifetime contracting cancer; reckon Mine is really just a very odd way of my being a service submissive; I've had cancer, so Ma'am and Sir don't have too

I know.... I really should be taking this all a bit more.... or at all serious... but... I kinda can't really well... I guess I take it sort of serious.... when I have too... but its so hard to be overly serious about it all;

err. this is awkward to write down.... without sounding.... worse than it is...

the whole BDsM nonsense.... stuff... its really not the pain... and all that stuff... well it kinda is... but... its... so much more... I have a such totally deep.... err... utterly impossible to describe connection to ... Sir... etc....

yesterday.

laying in the bed... so tired... blasting my brain out (I use really loud music to relax; and I was relaly tired, as I'd not slept then, in like 48 hours), with some Ozzy and sabbath, and other rock/metal.

I was like in a very relaxed, almost medative state of mind.... William was next to the bed, reading on his Kindle...

he touched my arm.... I had my eyes closed... relaxed... sort of nearly but not really sleep... just... sort of zen-ed-out... with the music... relaxed....

I had a whole series of.. 'body orgasms'... and... utterly unintented on both our acocunts and... its difficult to take much seriously... when you can accidentially be made to orgasm... whilst in a chemo center, recieving some loverly 'red goo' (one of the chemo drugs I'm getting... err... the B I think in the ABVD or perhaps the Vinblastin... err... I forget what the B stands for ; the red one anyhow

and then... a few minutes later.... I'm more awake... headphones off... sort of telling Sir, that he just did that too me... not even on pupose... and... then we're setting the nurse off in giggles, as she sees the pics of me, with my pillow pets... - remember... I'm laying there in bed... recieving my chemo... wearing my new chainmail handcuff bracelets.... Ma'am's purple leather collar, large metal O-ring on the front... I assume it doesn't go unnoticed.... hmmm... can't recall... I may have had a sort of not quite leash on too <laugh. well... more a chain really... I keep playing with it... kinda like a strange... roseerr..... err.... the bead thing Catholics have.... err.... nope... chemo brain just kicked in... that word is not one I any more remember .... rosemary? nah... something like that...

valarian? I smoked it years back! err. with tobacco of course.. and... perhaps something stronger with it too ; I never used to be a good boy/girl like I am now... as hard as it may be to think that... I'm so bad.... or... was... just am in a differnt way now

there are a whole bunch of herbal things; I've a mate really into that (yeh, he's a bit of a dope head too, but does spend most of his time now, with the more... gentler side of natural often culinary herbs that have soporiphic effects....)... err... my brain can't recall any of the herbs names now... though.... valarium..... err... yeh... and some other stuff.... hmmm


damnit!; this brain thing is the worse bit. ----

its the one bit that can get me down; without my brain, my mind, my quick thinking, easily processing lots of data, quickly, symultainiously... I'm not actually me. that fact worrys me more than anything else. I hope it passes..... eventually.... or... i might not be able to be so positive about things, slowely seeing 'me' disapear, as my mind sinks into.... dunno... whatever this not thinking properly thing is....; sometimes its better.. then I just can't remember a word... forget how my own cooker works... forge trecipies I've made for decades... etc....... ; right now... it just makes me bluddy angry; and more... bloody minded about the hole... sort of being a bit ill thing\!

and... now its nearing 2.30 AM.

so tired. no energy. and brain; suddenly working. there will be no sleep tonight.... seriously contemplating third Guinness.... and ten mins before finishing the can, use some Guinness to ease the passage of two zopiclone down my throat,... Just not sure I can handle another sleepless night of hot flushes.... right now.... sleep would be so... good \i'm sure actually... might skip the third Guinness.... sure the last bit of the second can, didn't sit quite so comfy as it should... in my tummy

Its not like my sleeps every been any good... just ... its worse now... on top ... of... the not being totally OK, and being... a bit under the weather.... unsure what I should do next... piddle about on the net, I guess

and so... it was 4 AM
A little late night reading, went on to include a refresher for me, in Pituitory anatomy and physiology. Adrenal gland anatomy and physiology. Addisons disease, revision. and of course, that little Mr Hodgkins as per I'm kinda enjoying getting back to accademic reading again.... Just a bit of a pity, perhaps, what has brought it on.... and, indeed, taht is occuring, at such a odd hour of the day; due, largely to side affects of course, of the steroids (some for Mr Hodgkins, mostly the hydrocortixone I think, for the addisons, that I'm on)

I really must try sleep;
Sir is here, tomorrow, early afternoon I think the oplan is... err, William I mean (I'm kinda using the names interchangibly, which might be consfusing to some ). and... I need to get up.... (hopefully after some* sleep), take hydrocortisone, feed myself.... and I must* shower didn't get roudn to that today... and eat... and take the two steroids I get for day 1 and 2 post-chemo, err,,, I kinda forget their names... onddranason ? err, somethign like that... nto a clue on the other one
and.

Oh my!;

I think a head shave may be forthcoming; just spent ten minutes, trying to remove some* of the hair, that has seemingly shed all over my bed so annoying... at some point... the annoyance will take over the ; at still having an albeit thinner, full head of my useual hair ; hair defo dee needs a coconut shampoo and condition in the morning.... perhaps the last... or one of the last... judging by what I just removed form teh bed; and noticed on the floro (it wasn't too bad this morning I swear on teh floro!)

I best warn Sir to look otu for headgear for me, sooner rather than later!; I've found way to keep wearing my leather trilby; I can sew packing to inside, of the band, to make it fit tighter but... yeh... thinking some cool ... kinda 'ethnic' silk things; maybe kinda Chinese/oriental? silk.... colourful... not hiding anything by being.... understated.


hang on.

go on; you know you want too:


lets play a game;
"try to construct a sentence, containing the phrase or words; "2legs" and "understated"
See. tired? yep. knackereed? yetp. utterly washed out... yep... fatigued... etc., etc., yes yes yes... and... so utterly wide awake. but tired. and... I know I must* sleep. - I think the two, current pillow pets, are in for some cuddling.... tonight...

skipped third Guinness, as it was so clearly a bad idea (se. I've grown up, and* gotten more mad and weird at the same time! how utterly fabulus!)

looking at Zopiclone pack, on teh desk.... two would be a bad idea; could knock me out for 7 or 8 hours... and I need8 have* to do stuff, tomorrow.... and... kinda... want some... time with Sir... and... possibly the kitchen wall...

but... I coudl take just one (origional doze doc put me on), but... that can give the horrible groggy feeling... I think I'll just cope as per, on teh not sleeping... heck it'll only be like a day or two, with no sleep; I just about coped after 80 hours plus no sleep, a few weeks back; on two occasions

sleep... pah. its for the normals damnit! head... brain... turn off.... I feel more awake now than I have all day; which makes me wonder I'm slipping out of sync, serkadian wide, again... which means... maybe I should re-try re-starting my melatonin tablets tomorrow; reset my 24 hour clock... only I don't think they're playing nicely with all the otter drugs... yeh... otter drugs... man... they're... the ... otters... whatnots...
damnit. I'm not supple enough to kick my own brain... nto at this angle, anyhow...
must. try. sleep soon... maybe... or... ahh. screw it...

vinblastin, vinblastin, after coffee he is gaspin...
dicarbizine, dicarbizine man she's so obscene...

three hours sleep and I'm writing silly rhymes in my head as I descend the staircase, down from teh through-visit to teh bathroom, after waking up

Vinblastin should be pleased... the coffee's nearly brewed... luckily for the world of dredful rhymes... I can't recall teh other two chemo drugs
s
oddly I do kinda recall a dream... which is very rare at the moment... so. tired...