h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Said God, "Though I frequently search,
I've found nothing that I'd call a church
That does what it preaches
Though each claims it teaches
My words. So I'm left in the lurch."

Said God "Will you stop agitating
I need neither help nor berating
I'm perfectly happy
So be a good chappie
And serve me by standing and waiting"

Deep down in the sea, eating cod,
Live dolphins and whales by the pod.
Their brains are so vast
That way back in the past
They saw that all's One within God.

Said blind Milton "when I consider
How my light is spent, I feel bitter
But try to stay calm
By humming a psalm
And strumming the chords on my zither"

Milton was fealing disgraced
That he had lost the sight from his face
So he wrote a long book,
But then gained back his look,
So really, it was Paradise Missplaced.

There are those who might think it unkind
To speak ill of the dead, or the blind.
Milton, for his part,
Was obsessed with his Art,
And I'm sure, at this stage, he won't mind.

But how soon can we play the blame game
Point fingers, name names?
If I give the ex prime bishop a bash
Or argue that the Crown Prince made a hash
Will I cover myself in fame - or shame?

sprout

A child in an era long gone
Delivered a mot that was bon
Not caring who's who
He broke a taboo:
"The Emperor's got nothing on!"

A wolf who was hungry for pigs
Blew down houses of straw and of twigs
He he could not of the brick,
So said he mighty quick,
"I've spoiled my lung-sacs with ciggs!"

Two children got left in the wood
Their first worry was to find food
The house of a witch
(an ugly old bitch)
Turned out to taste jolly good

And then there was poor Jack and Jill
With a pail they'd been sent out to fill
But what they don't tell
Is, why was the well
Dug way up at the top of a hill?

Two children were out hunting witches,
(One skirted, the other in britches*)
One laughed as she slashed
Up a witch they just bashed
Saying "Witches reduce me to stitches."

*a.k.a. breeches

An onlooking witch wondered "Which is
The worse of those two evil bitches?
I'll stitch 'em up proper
Parboiled for my supper,
And bury their bones in my ditches."

Said Jill, "Would you please listen, Jack.
You've just had a brainstorm attack.
It's perfectly clear
That there's no well up here,
You're unwell, and it's time to go back."

Jack said, "It's our job, we can't duck it,
With water to fill up this bucket.
Who said there's a well?
There's a tap, can't you tell?
Now go find it, dear sister, or suck it."

A man who was shaped like an egg
Perched on a wall, says my friend Meg
He fell on the grass
Badly bruising his arse
Then the army marched by and broke his leg.


- that one's awful - I can't complete with you lot.

A woman with many children,
For she was not unknown to the men,
Treated them meanly
And kept them all leanly
In a house size one-hundred-and-ten.

A shepherdess by the name of Bo Peep
Over missing animals lost valuable sleep
After too much Valium
she could no longer tally 'em
Lost her temper and shouted "Oh "

Her boyfriend was little and knew it
His horn sounded blue when he blew it
But somebody said "Oh
The cow's in the meadow
The sheep's in the corn, so get to it!"

To be sure the best of ways
To cheer someone up is to give praise
For some effort they've made
A compliment paid
Can help through a difficult phase

There was a young lady called Muppet
Went to sleep on some grass called a tuffet
A fat Taran-tula
Decided to fool her
And concealed itself in her gusset