h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This news has just exploded onto the scene here in South Africa! They’ve been rumoured to exist for long, but never was there anything substantial, no proof. The mine companies have been trying to squash news of this … and they’ve been very successful. No photographs, no stories … miners would lose their jobs and also risk being considered insane if they said anything. But still, there were whispers about them. Mine grubs! It now seems as if they were to blame for many of the fatalities in the deepest mines. The story has been blown open in the ‘Daaglikse Bog’, our premier Afrikaans newspaper. There were photos as well! I don’t know at what risk they were taken and snuck out … but they’re public now.

Except that the company owning the mines, the Kuljohi-Kuljoda Company, is still trying a last-ditch effort to keep the lid on the news! The hackers in their employ have so far taken down the websites of the ‘Daaglikse Bog’ as well as several smaller newspapers like ‘Spekskiet vir Afrika’ and the ‘Uilspieël’. They know that it’s just a matter of time, but I think they want to try and put their own spin on the news.

But all right … so what are these mine grubs? They’re no less than the most revolutionary discovery in biology of this century … perhaps of all time! See my picture here:

http://willemsvdmerwe.deviantart.com/art/Mine-Grub-444287269?ga_submit_new=10%253A1396357591

Some of you will know that, so far, life has been found wherever on Earth we looked. Creatures thrive in the snowy wastes of Antarctica, in boiling volcanic springs and in volcanic vents in the ocean, in the caustic lake Natron … there are even creatures which can survive inside nuclear reactors. Also, creatures have been found that live deep underground. Like volcanic vent inhabitants, they have developed ecosystems that are independent of the light of the sun.

But so far, these things were small … bacteria, worms and the like. While mine grubs look somewhat worm-like, they are much bigger … while fact and fiction still need to be disentangled, it is clear that some of them are several meters in length. A good-sized mine grub is said to be able to dismember a mine worker with a single swipe of a forepaw, with its huge digging claws.

Mining companies in South Africa must have known about these grubs for long, having mined at great depth (the grubs are found over three kilometres down) for quite some time now. The grubs are most frequently encountered at the Western Deep Level Mines, of which the Netagrap Mine is currently, at 4.9 km, the deepest in the world. The grubs are encountered infrequently, all considered, but have inspired terror in mine workers to the extent that the mines feel if knowledge becomes public, that they would have difficulty recruiting workers. Workers who have actually encountered the grubs, and survived, are given radical psychological treatment, part of which is to suppress the memories and inhibit them from telling others.

But at the same time the grubs are such an incredible discovery that Kuljohi-Kuljoda has been torn about making them public and getting scientific accolades. Presumably it is because of the decline of the profitability of mining gold at the Deep Levels that firstly, their security around this relaxed to the point of photos having slipped out, and secondly, the mines themselves might be deciding to publish their research, which spans several decades. Still, they want to dictate the terms of this discovery – and they must not be allowed! They only want to make more money. This discovery belongs to the world!

I am sorry, my picture is not very good but I had to rush to complete it to get the news out as quickly as possible. While the newspaper sites are down I can’t link to any actual photographs. But if you look at this thing, you can see that it is something unique. Not a mammal, not a reptile … certainly not an invertebrate, it is much too big. It indeed seems to belong to an evolutionary lineage separate from anything that we know! Only scraps of the evidence collected by the mining companies have come out so far … but what they reveal is beyond amazing.

The chemistry of the mine grub body is the most astounding aspect of all. All life we know is based on organic chemicals, compounds of Carbon with oxygen and hydrogen and a few other elements. The mine grub however also has an incredible wealth of compounds that are mainly based around silicon! The possibility of silicon-based life has long been considered in science fiction but so far nothing in reality has been found suggesting that life can make much use of silicon compounds. Until now! While perhaps still being mainly carbon-based, mine grubs especially use silicon compounds in their digging claws, teeth, and armour-plated skin. There might be other silicon compounds in their muscles and nervous systems … again the scrappiness of the documents that have leaked does not make this clear, but the possibility is intriguing.

Also, what do mine grubs use as an energy source? Comparisons may be made with the creatures that inhabit deep volcanic vents in the ocean. These use a variety of compounds released by the vents, from which they derive chemical energy. Mine grubs might use similar chemicals released by deep subterranean volcanic activity. They might be able to extract energy from heat – geothermal energy – or even from underground radioactivity! They seem to thrive in heat. In fact their body chemistry which incorporates so many silicon compounds mean that their physiology might function at its best close to the melting point of silicaceous rocks. They have never been found in rocks with a temperature of less than 50 degrees Celsius, and indeed when entering the air-conditioned mine shafts, seem to become lethargic and display signs of distress. This might make them more dangerous to humans if cornered, but suggests ways in which they can be controlled, to improve the safety of the miners.

Personally I believe that the mine grub might be only one of an entirely new ecosystem filled with creatures that perhaps might be genetically entirely separate from those at the surface. They may not even be based on DNA! The mine grubs might be the highest-living of them all, the only ones that have so far come close enough to the surface for us to find them. Even deeper down, who knows what we might find? Just take a moment to consider the incredible amounts of energy available underneath the Earth’s crust, towards the mantle … and maybe even deeper? The silicon-based chemistry of the mine grubs means that semi-molten and even fully-molten rock might for them be as comfortable as the water of the oceans is for the incredible myriads of things that inhabit them! Imagine the potential richness of an ecosystem that encompassed the whole interior of our planet!

For this and other reasons it is imperative that the news gets out and becomes FULLY public! Kuljohi-Kuljoda will benefit as well if scientists from around the world are all able to freely enter their mines and study these amazing creatures.

You need to start an online petition for immediate UN funding for research into this important find.

Also, I immediately wonder: proof of extraterrestrial contact?

While the sheer size of these critters is being somewhat over re-ported due to media hype and fisherman's tales, we have every reason to believe they can munch a chunk out of you,

Given the lack of official investigations, I am bound to investigate this unofficially but will claim be adhering to professional journalistic standards (erm) and a scientific methodology

*puts on head torch and grabs a reluctant looking canary*

They really don't pay miners well enough to cope with these guys! No wonder they are prone to strike. I wouldn't want to cope with those critters in the dark either. Scary.

Life as we don't know it! Great news!

Hello Dmitri, Peanut, Elektra and Milla, thanks for going along with the joke!