h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am suicidal right now. I already have the noose set up. I've tested it by hanging off it so I know it can support my weight. I've also tested the method: I will tighten the noose to the point where it is already cutting off my blood supply then hang from it in a partial suspension (feet still on the ground but not fully supporting my bodyweight) which should be sufficient to maintain the cut-off blood supply. From my experiments I know I will lose consciousness in about ten seconds and will not suffer inordinately. I will wear a balaclava so whoever finds me will see the minimum of my face. I will put a message on Facebook because there are friends there who know where I live and I will ask for someone to come and take Poplap and I trust with the help of my sister and the people who know me and who love cats she will find someone who can take better care of her than I can.

But I do not want to die. I will do it if there's no other way but I really do still want to live. But I don't know how to do that any more. I need help. Who can help me - where can I go - what can I do?

Willem, stop right there.

Will you please ring one of these helplines - whichever's in your area - and have a chat with them?

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/south-africa-suicide-hotlines.html

Please, do it as a favour for a friend. We all value you here - I mean that genuinely - and I'm not sure how I can help you, but those guys might know. If nothing else, just tell them how you feel.

Willem, don't do this.

You are such an appreciated person.

love
Milla

Hello. It's not that I want to - I see no other way. I *really* do want to live but I can'd do that any more without *serious* help because I am now in a corner, I'm trapped. KB I did phone the number of the one closest to me. I spoke a bit and felt like a fool but I did try, I really did, but then when I was starting to explain I got cut off.

Ring them again, Willem. Please. It may have been fault at their end.

I'm glad you replied Willem.
Is there anything we can do to help? Is it money that troubles, or is it being lonely? If you don't feel comfortable talking here, I'm happy to contact you via personal message on facebook.

Don't give up. You are important.
Milla

If you have skype, I'm there. If you have gmail, I have gmail chat.
Talk to us.

Willem

Please,please, if you are feeling like this and are unable to talk on the helpline or anywhere. Phone your sister to help you make arrangements and if she can't be with you soon phone emergency services if you don't think or feel you will be able to stop yourself and email your sister so she knows what is happening.

Hello folks, I just had a discussion of about an hour long with the counsellor on the helpline. Not all problems sorted out, but ...

He said I was explaining my problems very lucidly and he said he felt enlightened by what I had told him. He said I might write about it and it might *perhaps* help others understand ...

Do any of you think he has a point? That if I discussed my problems there could be value that might help other people?

Peanut - I will NOT tell my sister about this. She has a hard enough life, she is very busy today she is 'on call' don't know what that is in English but she has to be available at any time today. They'd let her go if I did actually off myself but if I now tell her I'm *thinking* of it she will consider it emotional blackmail.

We talked a bit about perspective a couple of evenings ago. You were saying that you were finding it difficult to trust your perspective on things. Also that at these times it is when you find it most difficult to trust other peoples perspective.

Can you trust me for now and your other friends who are leaving messages

You are in a really bad place at the moment, in these hours, but your perspective is also real way off. You will feel differently soon.

I'm not saying there, there, it will all be alright, what you are feeling right now clearly feels unbearable and I wish I could be *there* to give you some comfort and extra strength to get through it. I can't, but you can get through it Willem, I have seen that, your will to live, hold on to it

keep talking here, get in touch with your sister.

I am not *there* but still *here* with you, I know there virtual doesn't always feel as real to you but it feels really real to me, I am willing you on, my friend, sending you as much strength and comfort in spirit and the spirit of our friendship

Please keep in touch

much love

Peanut

Oh Willem, I'm so glad you posted again. I'm sorry if my attempts on skype caused problems.
And I do think talking about things here will help. I honestly do.

Just posted when you did Willem, I've not long signed in and have posted twice.

Hi Willam

Writing is what we do here. Yes it will help.

Often when I am trying to explain things to an unknown reader, I find things in my own words that help me understand the situation better myself.

Putting thoughts down as words is always a good thing.

We need you, you give all of us such interesting things to see and learn from.

F S

Hello Willem,

I'm glad that you've taken the opportunity to discuss your problems with a counsellor

Perhaps you could begin a Guide Entry, something that you could add to - as and when you feel the need.

You might discuss this idea with Dmitri, it might become a future article for The Post as a piece of self-awareness likely to assist others.

I hope Poplap is improving too...


lil x

I don't have skype, I have no idea how it works.

Again: do you think the counsellor had a point? Could there be any value in me trying to explain the full scope of my problems - here? I had a discussion with him for about an hour so we covered a LOT of stuff. But he did say at the end he felt I had explained myself very well. And - he said he thought that there might be value in my explaining it to others - my chief concern expressed to him was the idea that my life had no value. So IF saying here what I said to him would be valuable ... would it? He said he felt enlightened. Enlightened to understand MY problems - are they anyone else's problems? My concern: while I have serious problems I'm not at all sure they are similar to other people's problems ... so, if people understand my problems it doesn't necessarily mean they also understand other people's problems ... so I wouldn't have contributed to the field of greater understanding for mental illness... which is what I think the idea was that he was suggesting. If I am a unique freak then my problems are my own and mine alone. But if other people have similar problems then if I can explain mine ... AND perhaps deal with them ... then that can help other people.

Do you folks realise how many people commit or attempt suicide? There IS a problem here. Now ...

Perhaps there's nothing we can do, perhaps that's just the way things are: life becomes unbearable for people and they off themselves, the rest go on living.

Perhaps understanding their problems means we can save (at least some) of them.

Perhaps if we truly understood why they did it we would become so depressed we would become suicidal too.

Perhaps if we understood why they did it we would not become suicidal too, but perhaps it still will turn out there's nothing we can do for them - or what we could do for them is simply too difficult ... with the effort and resources we spend on trying to save those lives, we could actually save and enrich many more *other* lives.

Willem - stay logged on. Writing will definitely help. Please explain to someone like me who really doesn't understand what you're going through.

I am convinced that your experiences are similar to many others. Not identical, but similar. And knowing that will help people. That is one value of your life. Your art delights many people, that is another value.

Personally, knowing what troubles you, would help me to not post the wrong advice and risking to hurt you more.

Skype is a free software that allows you to make "phone" calls or video calls using your computer, and also an easy way to have text conversations, if you're not up for voice conversation. http://www.skype.com/en/

I use it *all the time* because that's how the volunteers keep in quick touch.

I found one person with your name in the town you mentioned on facebook - but if you don't have skype, at least you have someone with an identical name I better remove them from my contacts again...

You know me from facebook, on skype I am "firstname.lastname"

You are not alone. Nor are you unique in your thoughts.

Write about it - organise it in a way you believe it could help others find their way in their darkest moments.

Don't forget, there are lighter times too. They will need to be included where possible.


lil x

Hi Willem, you are a gifted artist, could you use your art to express your feelings? Are you able to present and use your art locally? Would it help if you had some artistic projects to be working on? I am not an expert on your condition although I do have a friend who has been diagnosed with something similar to what you have. For him having outlets - a small network of people he can talk to without feeling any pressure - is important. Best Wishes S.A.

Logged on? I'll try ... but the internet is not a guaranteed thing here.

Okay ... as I tried to explain to the counsellor:

Basic issue: whether my life has any value. As I explained it to the guy:

Living is a schlepp. And INCREDIBLE schlepp the way things are in SA right now and with my personal circumstances being what they are. It's expensive. It's like running as fast as you can to try and stay in one place ... or, in my case, going backward despite my best efforts. So ... why? To put in this effort demands motivation. And ... my motivation is starting to lack more and more. Now if I could give something back to the world it would make the trouble worthwhile. But ... it needs to be major because living is MAJOR trouble to me. It has to outweigh my torture and torment ... call that problem one: does the contribution I'm making outweigh the awful torment that my daily life involves?

Here's how I feel in my worser moments:

My friends ought to know full well that my life is torture - so if they ask me to hang on and keep on living, they are actually torturing me. I hope that the fun they have from torturing me cancels out the pain I experience from it.