h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Handy hint Number 1. If you find yourself alone but aroused. Lie down. Place interlocked hands behind head. When hands go numb, masterbate. Because of the lack of feeling in hand it feels as if you are being serviced by a stranger. For further enhancement close eyes and pretend the stranger is a nun or the Pope.

You really do live a strange and pitiable existence, Loonytunes. If you want a true list of hints about sex, you can either: a)pay a lot of money for a crap self-help book, or b)read the following pointers:-1)Whatever you do when you have sex, do what comes naturally to you. 2) Respond to your partner's needs. They need pleasure out of this too(this is aimed especially at men, as most of us have a worrying tendency to come at the first opportunity.). 3) Take it slowly. 4) Men, when reaching gonzo, try to remember the names and descriptions of the entire squad of the Russian ladies weightlifting team for the 1992 Olympic Games. That'll stop you. Alternatively, deep, rythmnic breathing and keeping your legs apart helps(it removes the pressure from your balls).

Dear Doc Savage, I read your response, indeed I even visited your page, nowhere does it mention your problem with poor eyesight. The heading on this thread of the posted entry sex, is called handy hints. You do not mention any one of the many uses of the hand as a sex aid in your submission. I suppose, at a stretch, submission could come in handy. You decide. I remain, as always, Loonytunes.

That, Loonytunes, is because of the mind-numbingly apparent nature of my reply. I am concerned with having sex with other people, not with my own two hands. And I do need two. However, before this debate turns into a pointless and degenerate free-for-all, I would like to terminate the dispute which appears to be brewing now. Arguments between field researchers are only allowed either in editorial lunch meetings, and then only over who pays what part of the bill, or when navigating aboard the 'Starship Bistromath', where such arguments are necessary. I look forward to further communiques. Yours, Doc. Savage, Man of Bronze.

Oh, and the spelling is MASTURBATE.

After sitting on my hands for the last 2 days I feel I must re-enter the debate and insist on you keeping to the subject. Handy hint No 2. Circle Jerks. Numerous participants pay a sum of money to enter. The participants form a circle. In the middle of the circle a dry biscuit is placed. On the count of three mass masturbation starts. The winner of the aforementioned large sum of money is the person whose ejaculation hits the biscuit first.

Does it have to be the names and descriptions of the entire squad of the Russian ladies weightlifting team for the 1992 Olympic Games? I find that singing Tom Lehrer's periodic table song does quite well. And it has better rhythm.

Rhythm is all important. I find clapping hands while changing hands keeps the rhythm going.

just clap while doing it-it brings a whole new meaning to herpies.

And now for something entirely different -

Wheelbarrow races - first get your partner in the appropriate position

I'm glad you have turned finally to *shagging* a partner instead of self-service. Oh, and I've tried that one. It's more fun in the shower. You end up with an astronomical water bill though...

It is hard to have more than one team at a time in a shower.

The best wheelbarrow races are held at night, after a drinking season, in bowling alleys.

Ladies and gentlemen to your lanes please.

Use the communal showers at a pubic baths. Or, if your feeling slightly more adventurous, school. Saves on the water bill...

Strapped together on a trampoline can be fun

But it can really chafe. No, seriously, forget carpet burns, this is real agony. Added to which, if you slip out and snap...'snap, crackle and pop' doen't even come into it, and neither will you without medical attention...

Thanks for the warning. Maybe I should stick to "muff diving"

Don't forget your breathing apparatus, as even the most sensetive and turned-on take a while to release the anenomy. You'll have to excuse me now, I've just had an offer to dip my stick. hang on, something smells of ...

Outdoor sex, World war 2, just out of Cairo.

First you dig the hole

Maybe that's why they were called the 'Desert Rats'

loved your little discussion...

try http://www.cumown.com/love/sex/sex401.htm

for some helpful hints..

you don't say? if you have any suggestions in particular, just post them, along with your nationality, so that we can have a damn good...erm...'ehem' ponder over them, and then criticise them vindictively. after all, i am (not a certified) doctor. cheers!