h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well I can honestly say I never smacked my older three children.
I like to think they have grown up into reasonable adults...
But my youngest, who has ADHD; has been hitting me from the age of 2.
I have no idea how to cope with him.
His father has no contact whatsoever, and that is NOT my doing.
I do smack him.
He never takes any notice of me!
I have tried reasoning with him.
Tried distracting him.
But I cannot allow him to attack other children; run into the road; throw things around in Supermarkets, etc.
There are people who look at me aghast if I do ~nothing~ and the others who look like they wish I would be struck by lightening if I ~do~ smack him.
One can never win in these cases.
I certainly can't.
I get as much help as I can from, the Social Services, I have their full backing.
They know he's not an abused kid, just hard to control.
What can I do?
I can only do what ~I~ think is best.

Have you tried holding him? I mean tightly to you, arms pinned in your arms. Then you look him in the eye and say over and over again that he should not do whatever it is that he was doing.
I always explain to my kids what is going on and why. But sometimes there is no option than a smack their little bottoms. It's the other stuff (love, attention, love, feeding, love, playing love) etc that counts. It's quite clear to me (and everyone around us) that my kids love me. And that's enough for me.
Sho
x

Hi GB,
*holds out a lightning-conductor and protects GB from any erratic stroke*
I won't pretend that I can understand your feelings, because I can't - I've never had this experience. But I think, that sometimes you just cannot cope with problems without professional help. Parents often are reluctant to do so, because they think it would prove that they have done something wrong - which is complete nonsense, of course.
One major problem in handling such things are your own expectancies. You know, this self-fulfilling prohpecy thing.

I had fascinating expierence once: There was this little boy, 2 or 2 1/2 years, i don't know. I should look after him for one evening. His parents and my own mother told me to be prepared for hell, because the boy was very 'difficult' and being in this age, when you just can't let them alone with strangers.
I was sceptic, though. The boy *could* be a little devil, no doubt about it, but I also noticed, that everybody around him really *expected* him to be one and sometimes really provoked him to cry and beat around. But they didn't realize this. I did - not because I'm so clever, but rather because I was an outsider, who hadn't made up his mind, yet.
Anyway, in the end there was... nothing. He did cry a bit when I tried to put him to bed and I thought, what the hell and let him watch TV with me. He then fell asleep on my lap without any problem at all. I'm deeply convinced that this was solely due to the fact, that I didn't expect anything at all. (I can be a very relaxed person )
But mind you, it was easy for me, it was just one night after all.
The point I try to make here is, that emotional problems of children are very often related to communication problems between them and their parents. And this is the reason, why the parents themselves often cannot solve these problems alone, because in the meantime, they are an active part of the problem.
GB, please don't get me wrong on this. I don't want to sound like some clever expert (I ain't one). All I say is, that sometimes you are too involved in problems to see clearly and that these are good times to ask some outsider (some psychologist who's specialized on children or whoever) what to do.
I think this is very important, because smacking children who suffer from emotional problems (like ADHD) cannot possibly solve anything at all.

What all this boils down to, is we all know what has worked and not worked with our own children. I'm an advocate of the odd smack, because that worked on my boy. Every child is different. Every child needs more or less restraint. Every child is more or less willful. And, before I open yet another can of worms, willfulness is NOT a bad thing - it just needs constructive channeling - don't use your will to get your own way when you've been told why you can't have it, use it to get ahead in school/life/lessons, etc. I always tried to act in a reasonable manner for the age of my child. There's a point where they are ready to understand the next phase - from a pat on the bottom, to no because ---- to the toe-to-toe shouting matches, where taking away some freedoms works. My son and I discovered "grounding" served several purposes. He was kept away from outside influences while he thought his "sins" over, it was a time of quiet when he did a lot of reading, and we did a lot of talking - about everything from why I had grounded him to what was going on in the world in general, and his world in particular.

Smacking children is prohibited and punishable by law in Sweden. For my little children a loud, angry NO stopped the trouble quickly, then I needed to hug and kiss the tears away for a while, and explain carefully what was wrong. For a one year old "that is dangerous" would be enough, for my six year old, more elaborated explanations is necessary. She also needs reassurance that _she_ is a wonderful girl, but what she _did_ was not very wonderful.

Seems to work so far.

Milla

Oh, Galaxy Babe, I just read our post. I replied to an earlier post, and I am _not_ blaming you or anyone for the occasional smack. I know things can be difficult.
Love and support,

Milla

Thanks everyone for your input & support.
I have noticed that the older he is getting, the more I can reason with him.
We have good days, we have bad days. But at least we are having good days. When he was two, every day was a "bad day".
I am hopeful that by the time he's a teenager, as others in my group {other parents with similar children} inform me, he will be a lot quieter...
I don't want to control him, I don't want to break his spirit. I just need help channeling him.
The first "expert" to visit us, when he was 3, tried the holding technique.
Unfortunately, he got kicked, punched, and screamed at...and there was no follow-up visit.
At least my bruises are fading...

Shame on your "expert". I think holding is an instinctive thing. At the moment I'm resorting to telling them something 3 times, then a smack and put in their room (if we're at home).
A bit of background though. My husband (primary child carer!) is in hospital (since Sunday) and on Saturday I started what seemed to be a headcold,but has turned out today (operation day) to be a rather nasty lung infection. I can't talk loudly, and I feel horrible and yukky. The kids will have to cooperate here. But I wish I didn't have to be so nasty. Maybe they'll learn this week, as a case of having to......

I hope you're feeling better now.
Did the kids co-operate?

We all had a very stressful time, but we survived. Still they have to be told 500 times, and then usually it's a "pat" on the bum or sent to their room for 2 minutes (long, long time for a 2 year old!) before they understand that I want them not to do something!!
Ho hum. In general they're good, and getting better all the time.
But, boy how I hate the terrible twos!!! And all my friends (who had kids 12 years before me) tell me that that's nothing compared to teenage (gilr) tantrums. Oh joy!

Teenagers?
They're a doddle.
You just have to know how to handle them.
I know.
My older three are now 22, almost 21 & 17.
I would rather have a barrel-load of teenagers than another Andrew.

I was saying to the "old man" this morning that when Eveline is a teenager we will look back on these days with fond nostalgia when we can't drag her out of her pit! I don't mind that she wakes up, it's the wanting to get in my bed and the interrupted sleep that we're having that's doing me in. Even when she doesn't take a nap she wakes up in the night. I think it has to do with drinking milk right before she goes to sleep, but I can't seem to get her out of the habit. Any tips?
A barrel-load of teenagers! Is that the official collective noun for them??
How are you, anyway? And Andrew? I was thinking of you at the weekend when Eveline had such a huge tantrum that I had to hold her for 1/2 an hour. It's only the 2nd time I have had to do it and it's exhausting.