h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The following is a list of guidelines for raising a child IN AMERICA. It is by no means exhaustive and is not listed in any particular order. Follow these and you could make your child's young years the ones they cherish for a lifetime IN AMERICA.

Let children lie, even when they're hulking great teenagers. They are probably doing things you can't possibly understand, and even if you do understand, you will more than likely be overwhelmed, disgusted, traumatized, or possibly self-medicate if you knew the truth.

Get the injections all at the same time, because doctors say that it's fine and in no way causes autism or any other form of mental illness. If your child does get all injections at once and is at a later date diagnosed with autism, be sure to blame it on the injections being given at the same time, even though doctors say that it's fine and in no way causes autism or any other form of mental illness. Picketing and forming committees is optional.

Promise or threaten things you can't deliver. It will prepare them for a healthy American adulthood during which they will take on massive credit obligations and not be able to pay them back, thereby taking on more credit obligations to pay the first ones back, sinking further into debt, taking on more layers of credit obligations, ad infinitum. Also, it will teach them to support administrations that threated or invade smaller countries before fully understanding the long term effects.

Laugh at your kids' jokes, even if they're not funny. American society has the lowest standards for entertainment, especially using reality shows such as "My Dad Is Better than Your Dad" and "Watch Fat People Try to Run an Obstacle Course and Fall in Nasty Water or Slime or Pepto Bismol or Worse" as a measuring stick.

Take your kids to work if possible to let them see where the funds come from. Train them in earnest to submit to the concepts of "Micromanagement", "60 Hour Work Weeks", "Multiple Occupations to Pay Bills", and "Sucking Up to the Boss while Talking Smack Behind His Back".

Never teach them about where the funds go. Instead, purchase video game systems and prepaid credit cards to keep them out of your hair and silent.

Whenever possible, let them choose or pay for their own clothes. It's important that they maintain a)for girls, a steadily decreasing area of coverage and a steading increasing area of exposure and b) for boys, horrible fashion sense that is comprised of tee-shirts with grossly exaggerated designer insignias and pants that are never worn above the bottom of their bottoms.

Do not let little ones help with the housework. That's what the Hispanic housekeeper making $1.25 per hour is for.

Don't bother playing games with them, especially not board games because their attention spans are slight and they aren't willing to sit still with such analog things anyway. You will end up frustrated, ready to punish them, and a child that resents you for being weird.

Disregard their friends. With luck they will probably pick good ones, and if they don't, well, that's not your problem.

Take them travelling if your life works that way. It probably though, because you will be working two jobs to pay off their Christmas presents from last year that are now obsolete.

Disregard school functions. Your child's education is of no concern to you. 40% of students drop out anyway, so it's not as if the institution is working well. Better if they go to the school of hard knocks.

Single parents, which make up half of the "Parent" category, do not have to provide home-made cakes or the like. Ever. Buy snacks loaded with high fructose corn syrup and transfat.

When they get their driving lessons, buy them a car and mobile phone so that they can wreak havoc on the lanes as they drive while texting and chewing gum and talking to their Bluetooth earpiece. Also hammer in the 'don't drink and drive' messages, understanding that they will work on them as well as it worked on you when you were young.

Don't be a hypocrite. If you're a drinker, introduce them to the good stuff. That way, they buy it for your birthdays. If you go to therapists (plural) for benzodiazapines (bars) or amphetamines (speed), be sure to explain that Daddy needs these because life in America is fed on the mental health of its citizens. Cheers.

Hugs are more important than almost everything else. The only more important things than hugs are legal definitions and regulations distingushing levels of hugs from platonic to harrassment.

Go ahead and lie to your children. Once they are old enough to understand what lies are, they'll join in the game and none of you will have to live in reality at all.

With regards to music, since the categories of styles of music in our post-modern America is becoming more validly fragmented by the hour, don't bother trying to understand their music. The point these days, old chum, is to defy understanding. (Concession: Sex)

Take pictures, keep artwork, train tickets, collect swimming medals, and surreptitiously create a scrapbook. That is, if you have the time between work, rush hour, child intermural sports, dinner, homework, chores, bills, and life. You might be 93 before you have time to deal with "This is your Life" if they call? Hope you don't outlive your "retirement fund," upper 25% income level of the population.

Encourage any talent. If there is no talent, there are plenty of Wal-Marts, McDonalds, Costcos, Burger Kings, drugs, and Playstations.

Hooray for the Future of America!