h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The fiance is excited about getting back his tax returns. I told him "Good, you can start paying me back the $3k you owe me!" - This money being from the rent I've paid for him while he's been unemployed, plus the debt from a former roommate I paid off for him. A very conservative estimate of his debt, nonetheless!

He looked deflated.

Me: "What, you didn't really think I wasn't going to make you pay me back, did you?"

Him: "No. But I'm going to end up helping you pay off your $150k college loans someday."

Me: "Excuse me? You think I'm going to be unemployed and need your help? I'll be out of school next May and have employment lined up that will pay me $50k/year straight out of college. YOU'RE not even going to be ready to transfer to a 4-year university to finish your degree by then. YOU'RE going to be supporting ME? I think I'LL have been supporting YOU for much longer than that."

WHAT is his PROBLEM?! ARGH! He can be such a jerk sometimes...

Tell him to put half the money on the loans directly. That should be reasonable. And yes, you should be offended but shouldn't show it too much otherwise he might misunderstand. Talk it out, it'll be worth it.

sea, I understand where you're coming from. Now, here's the thing. As a man, he's got a glass ego, and you've shattered it. Make him pay you some, but not all (at least right now) and see if perhaps he'll get it then...

How soon is the wedding? Relatively soon (i.e., within the year), if I remember correctly, right?

Have y'all already talked about whether you're going to have joint bank accounts, etc?

Most men I know seem to assume that finances will be completely joint unless someone tells them otherwise. And under a joint finance assumption, paying back such a loan is really meaningless.

On the other hand, many professional women seem to prefer to have some degree of separated finances -- some times entirely separate accounts, but more often a joint account that each person pays a set amount into each month that is used for joint expenses, and then separate accounts for personal spending where the extra money goes. (Some couples adjust the amount that goes into the joint account to the individual's salary, some simply each pay the same amount).

If y'all haven't already clearly talked about this and decided on separate bank accounts, I wouldn't be offended -- I'd just see it as a wake up call that you really need to discuss the details of how you're going to handle things financially once you're married.

If, on the other hand, you have already discussed it, I'd take this as a sign that what you heard from the discussion and what he heard were quite different. I probably still wouldn't be offended, but I would be worried and/or upset.

Just my , as someone who has been through both the merging and the untangling of finances....

Reading back, I realize something was less than clear. When I said:

"....I'd just see it as a wake up call that you really need to discuss the details of how you're going to handle things financially once you're married."

I was *not* trying to imply that you should wait until you're married to discuss financial details. Rather, I was trying to say that it's a good idea to nail down *now* how you want to deal with finances in your post-wedding life.

While I'm not even going to pretend to be the best one to offer advice for this type of situation, Mikey seems to have a few decent points.

Of course, it's also possible that his statement about helping to support you was what I call the "ninja smoke" trick. However, based on what I've heard about this person (which is admittedly little), I don't think that he'd conciously use such a debate maneuver.

So, as I've said a lot lately, ignore me.

And in the second paragraph of my preceding post, the word "his" didn't refer to Mikey. Sorry 'bout any confusion.

I agree with Mikey and Affy, you need to have finances nailed down before the wedding. I would recommend having both joint and seperate accounts with a certain percentage of any income going to each account. But that's just me.

Yup, I agree, too. It really doesn't matter what you decide as long as both of you agree on how you want to handle the accounts.

Personally, though, I believe it demonstrates trust and commitment to have joint accounts. You also need to be able to stick to your budget if you are drawing your money for personal expenditures from a joint account.

Knowing the fiance's habits with money, it's looking like it'll be separate accounts and a joint for all the joint expenses. A percentage of salary will go into each personal account for personal spending. He can't be trusted with the whole amount, therefore he won't have an ATM card for the joint. Not until he shows some restraint with his money (which, as evidenced by how much he owes me, he does not have as of yet).

It's not his fault, really. I blame his parents. They controlled his life with an iron fist, and never taught him how to function independently. Thus, when he finally *did* get out on his own, he lived with no moderation whatsoever and himself over.

I've never demanded the money back. I wasn't even sure if I wanted it back. But he needs to learn that LOANS NEED TO BE REPAID! So even if we're married, he's paying back the darn money! Hopefully, if nothing else, he'll learn not to spend his rent money and have to borrow from other people! That's how he got into this mess in the first place. *sigh*

I don't really see a need to have a discussion about financial matters after the wedding. Any financial arrangement between the two of us will have to be subject to my scrutiny. He doesn't have a whole lot of room for argument, seeing as he'll be in school much longer than I will, and I'll be the one supporting him. Plus, I have the luxury of having him pretty well henpecked.

Thanks for the good perspective, guys. Sometimes it's best if I get someone else's opinion on the problem before I overreact.

Simulpost, Witty!

That's right: Get perspective, THEN over-react! But seriously, you're more employed than he is, you're further along in your studies than his is; what did you expect?

These are all opinions, you know. The truth may never be known!

Take it all in and mix it around, add a dash of bitters and a cube of sugar, set it on fire and then throw it away. Then decide for yourself.

sea - girl, not to be rude, but what the ???? Why the heck are you marrying a man that doesn't know how to pay off his debts? I'd dump his butt, and then sue it.

Regardless of what he might potentially do for you in the future (that hypothetical future, and considering his attitude, I wouldn't bank on there being one), he still owes you money. Debts need to be paid, regardless of who lends and receives the cash. It's a hell of a lot more than $5 - that's an amount that can slip by and not be a problem.

IMO - you need to make it implicitely clear to him that you won't take that kind of attitude, that it was your hard earned money that paid off debts that his lazy ass incurred. It's disrespectful and rude to take money from someone, and not pay them back as soon as you have the money to do so. Even more so if you want to marry the person who is doing you the favour.

Hope it works out. Don't take from him.

I know what you mean, Saturnine. Sometimes I wonder myself. *rolls eyes* If I wasn't so head-over-heels in love... well, that's how it always is. Abused women say the same thing, "But I love him!"

Women do -ed up things for love. But I *DO* intend to make him pay me back. He just has to figure out how to grow up on his own. I can only push him so far, you know? He's a lot better than he was when we first started dating!