h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I just had one of those great 'Twilight Zone' moments. You know, you're doing something perfectly ordinary and something pops up that strikes you as so bizarre you have to check if you really saw or experienced what you did. Is it a sign of a massive conspiracy? Would everyone else call you crazy if you told them?

I ordered Chinese food along with my fellow employees from a local delivery shop. I like to top off such a meal with the crunchy and vaguely lemony taste of a fortune cookie. But when I opened mine and looked inside with my usual skepticism, I was in for a bit of surprise.

"You'll be chosen to be the heir of a kingdom in Europe."

What? What kind of fortune is that?

I mean, you're supposed to get a fortune. But usually this is a piece of pithy advice, or perhaps a generalization on life. We're talking about the second definition of 'fortune' here -- as in 'I'll read your fortune' or 'fortune smiles on you.'

But I got a real *fortune* cookie. I mean, according to this thing I'm about to be quite well off indeed. Good lord! How many people get fortune cookies like this every year? Does anybody believe them? Has anyone ever sold all their worldly possessions in anticipation of their soon-to-be-crowning as the King of Norway?

Why would anyone even create a fortune cookie like that? I mean, what's the point?

So I dunno. I don't think I'll window shop for tiaras or write bogus checks for millions just yet. But perhaps I will hang on to the fortune cookie, if only to remind myself that people (including me) really are a bunch of gullible gits.

Still. Does anyone know if Lichtenstein is available for purchase?

Who writes these fortune cookies?! I want one!

Aren't they usually just a TAD more general? So that you can look at it sideways and go "yeah, I can see how that works..."?! That's just not right!

I want one.

I want a golden goose NOW Daddy!

sorry

After reading the plea for help in the FFFF forum, I was expecting to find the sort of vague fortune that normally comes with them, and I expected you were a bit concerned because it had accidently been incredibly accurate. Needless to say, when I read that the fortune was for a kingdom in Europe, I had two coincidental reactions:

- This came true? No wayy!!
- Hey, does her kingdom need a clergy? Because I look positively dapper in ecclesiastical robes.

I like what they're doing with those fortunes, it sounds very comical. And I'm sure that's all it is for... comical effect. It's the anti-fortune, something so outrageous that it couldn't possibly come true, in stark contrast with normal fortunes, which are so bland that they could happen to anyone. I'd be curious to see what the rest of your coworkers got.

Well, maybe this IS incredibly accurate! You never know...

If it is...as the first person who replied to your plea in the ffff forum, could I have an important position in your court? You know...an important personage who doesn't do much at all, but is still respected and looked after?

"My home is my castle", as the saying goes, so perhaps you have to build a chalet over here and and move over to Europe. You are always king or queen of your own four walls!

Perhaps these fortune cookies are made by the foreign office or the imigrations-board,(or whatever it is called) and is actually ment to relieve the US of A from too many people, who favor royalistic ideas.

It could be a tourism, or a real estate thing...now they expect you to go over and start checking out the royal families and the castles and stuff

I think I can assure you that the kingdom in question is neither Denmark nor Sweden Nor-way...

So don't spend a fortune on woolies just yet

Well, here's another odd thing. Everyone else's fortune cookies were perfectly ordinary. You know, 'The wise man takes his time.' 'Your talents will someday be recognized.' 'Accomplishment is the root of happiness.' It appears I'm the only one who got anything unusual.

I would like to move to Europe someday, specifically the UK. But right now I'm going to college, and it would be folly to pick up and leave my credits behind. Perhaps someday.

So if I'm going to have a royal court, then:

Cafram can be a Baroness. You'll be the jewel of the court.
Colonel Sellers can be my royal advisor. Ecclesiastical robes are optional.
Englander can be an Archduke. Don't forget to pay your taxes!
And Pierce can be my royal assasin. Just pretend you're a minstrel, okay?

A minstrel your majesty? No problem! I used to be one

Why should I pay my taxes? I have my own kingdom right at my feet, and what does an Archduke do anyway? What is the sense of being a royal, if I have to work?

Don't worry. The taxes are a small percentage of the money your serfs make for you. You don't actually work.

What do you get to do? Where ridiculously ostentatious clothing, start petty wards with other dukes, drink and eat as much as you want, take advantage of kitchen maids....

I meant... start petty wars with other dukes. Sorry.

I think I prefer anarchy! I´ll get rid of all other dukes first. and then taxes. And then...

Yikes! I'm not ready for a revolution. You'll have to stay out of my mighty empire, then, Englander.

Your Royal Highness

CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!

*Sound of crashing gates (and a following party...)*

Aaaaaargh!

*I thrust out a dainty foot and trip Englander's horse while my knights fight with Englander's troups. Then I whip out a sword and we begin dueling.*

*Englander thrusts!*

*I parry.*

Do you realize, old chap, that we're fighting over a fortune cookie? I mean, do you really think that's wise?

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My last fortune cookie said "You may attend a party where strange customs prevail"...so can we have a party to celebrate your forthcoming kingdom??

My last fortune cookie read "Don't come between an american duelling a german"