h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

......enters the kitchen, carrying two large bowls and a bunch of assorted fresh herbs. (Home grown in large terracotta pots at the back of the Temple.)

She fills the larger of the two with about two inches of water from the tap and places it in the freezer. Leaving the other bowl and the herbs on the counter.

She takes a small notebook out of her pocket and writes a note for Baldrick.

Baldrick
I'd like you to get the floor scrubbed - that cat has left muddy footprints everywhere. I'll be back later.

Regards
Ishtar

She pins the note on the noticeboard and leaves the kitchen

~Greebo strolls into the kitchen ... and gives a sigh of relief ... some acctivity at last... she spies the note... reads it... regards her paws... grins guiltily and tip toes out...~

...re-enters the kitchen. Regards the floor, frowns.

B A L D R I C K !!!

Where is that lazy peasant?

Retrieves bowl from freezer. Puts the smaller bowl on top of the ice base. arranges the chives, mint, parsley, coriander and thyme in the gap between the two bowls. Fills up the outer bowl with water. Weights down the inner bowl with a handy kitchen weight. Puts the whole lot back in the freezer.

Lights a cigarette and wanders out of the kitchen....

~Greebo thinks what a spohiscicated idea...~

Peasant? Me? Someone who spends three days of the week working for the Queen and has made TWO heads of state seriously ill!!!!!!!!????
I don't even wear tatty clothes any more(indicates South Park 'Respect My Authoritah!'shirt)!
*begins cleaning floor-resolves to get Androyd to ambush Greebo and give her a good hosing*

...walks back in. Ah Baldrick! How lovely to see you - hard at work too. Well done.

I've heard a rumour that there might be an insectivore at the party - so I'd like you to start collecting ants, mealworms and beetles. Make sure you use separate containers WITH LIDS. In fact use tupperware and leave them outside the back door.

When you've finished the floor, I'd like you to start polishing the silver. I'm not sure how many guests are expected but Greebo has eight of everything for about 3 dozen - so you'd best do it all to be on the safe side.

Keep up the good work!

See you anon.

...walks out again...

*finishes with floor, works on beetles and stuff*

work......work.......it's not even as if I like eating bugs any more......

*wonders whether it'd be fun to sneak a Somme doughnut into somebody's food, also wonders where he can find a good thing to stop people leaving dirty footmarks everywhere*

~Greebo walks out into the garden and observes Baldrick~

Ahhh good man... ~grin~... bit muddy out here wot??? ~Greebo examines her dirty paws..~

Better get inside... the guests are awaiting... will go in via the kitchen... don't to track dirt all over the dining room carpet...

...stalks back into the kitchen...pointedly ignoring the new footprints.....OK Baldrick old chap....let's get this show on the roud.

Yes roud - ancient Babylonian word for a primitive form of hostess trolley, heated by charcoal...

...in a blur she whisks around the kitchen...retrieves the ice bowl from the freezer......fills it with her famous lettuce soup...swirls a little cream on top...sprinkles it with a few sprigs of coriander....pops it on the unheated section of the roud.....opens the oven...takes out the vegan starters...chestnut and wild mushroom filo parcels...with a gooseberry sauce.....extracts the guppies from the sink...tosses them lightly.....pops the fish and the parcels on the roud....hovers at the kitchen door....

...leaves the roud for Menza to deal with....gets the salmon fillets out of the fridge...oncovers them...turns them over....mmmm that lemon and lime marinade smells great......gets out the unmarinaded salmon for the fish.......checks the vegan mousakka in the oven...happy everything is ok...she heads out the back door for a quick fag.....

....re-enters......damn......Menza's still got the roud.....covers the salmon with buttery, herby breadcrumbs...slams it under thew red hot grill........dresses the tomato and onion salad to go with the mousaka......hmmm....sounds like the shrew has arrived......retrieves the bug boxes from the back step........hmmmmmm......wonders what to do with the contents....

...tips the beetle box into the blender with a few leaves....blends into a quick paté.....sprinkles lightly with ants......pops it on a plate topped with cress....sorry...standard euro-garnish....takes it to the door....

.........throws the entire room into stasis.............and returns to RT........

...re-enters ....checks everything is still at the peak of perfection - leaves note for Menza

Menza

Main course as follows

Fillet of salmon in a lime and lemon marinade to with a buttered herb crust
baby jersey royal potatoes with fresh mint
courgette ribbons
orange and seseme carrot sticks
or
raw salmon fillets
or
Vegan Mousaka
Tomato and onion salad with fresh coriander
wholemeal pitta bread
or
Hazelnut and mealworm suprise
Mixed leaves

To release food from the statis field for serving - just press large blue button on kitchen table

Regards
Ishtar

You are doing us proud Ishtar... thankyou

My compliments to the chef. Greebo, you have first class staff.

Well me only pays for the best you know sweetie...