h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*JB emerges from a sand storm and heads towards the Apadana palace, he proceeds down the stairwell in search of the lost Doughnut recipe of King Darius......

*as usual, E follows close behind*

*Felix Lieter's voice crackles over Bond's watch radio*
Hey James, you're not that far away now... Just be careful, okay?

Abdullah said he'd meet us here with the next part of the instruction's didn't he?

*Abdullah's voice is heard from near the ceiling*

You shouldn't have come, you won't survive.

But M said you had found the recipe.

*Descends a ladder*

I have found it, but I don't have it. You should beware asking questions, they might bite you later.

Abdullah. R sent you this.

*JB hands over a small package*

*Eyes flicker*

I hadn't expected such an honour.

*Takes package and pockets it*

Now, are you willing to try and take the recipe?

Take???? Just where is this recipe?

My daughter knows the way to the first section, allow her to guide you. Persevia!

*As this transpires, a hidden camera watches it all. The camera waits for some kind of informative stimulus so that it can unobtrusively follow Bond while remaining hidden*

*Drags Persevia into view, holding a large hunting knife to her throat*

Well hello there Mr Bond, I know I have you at a disadvantage, but it seems your world renown is far from justified. I've been tailing you ever since you reached the palace. Now I think you had better discard your firearms, I have the girl, and I don't want any interruptions while I find the recipe...

*wanders in, bond girl style, looks seductively*

(well, you need someone to be the girl, and youve only got 5 minutes in the opening credits!)

has everyone met Pete the man-killing lizard? *opens hands to reveal a 5 inch sugar lizard*

*Nadia the assasin recoils in fury from Persevia and her lizard*

Oh I will find the recipe, but something tells me you won't make it

*Slinks off laughing as ominous sounds descend on the stairwell, with a parting growl at Persevia*

*Feels another one of his "spells" coming on*

Oh dear. Persevia, are you all right?

*faints and lies in his arms....*

*eyes open slowly*

has she left?

*cut to Nadia on the palace roof*

"Nadia? Come in Nadia, this is Dr Ten! I've ordered the explosives set..."

But the recipe, you promised!

"Enough, Bond must be destroyed! There is a motorbike hidden on your right, this is your last chance!"

*leaping onto the concealed motorbike, Nadia drives straight off the roof and lands on the dirt track below, her eyes burning with hate. Cut back to the palace. A terrifying roar is audible in the distance, a solid wall of flame shoots up the stairwell!*

CAMERA: Zoom out on exterior of palace, showing smoke gushing out some of the top and bottom storey widows: our hero is ~trapped~
CAMERA: Zoom in on the wall, to find...
*Joanna, displaying another of her hidden talents, having scaled the wall (with the aid of a rope & grappling hook) sticks a microexplosive on the window, & swings back as the window spontaniously shatters*

This is only this way out! The explosives were set already, above and below you... hurry...

*JB motions for the others to climb the rope*