h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Eh up! 'Appen them southern jessies at h2g2 'ave coome up with a reet gradely idea 'ere, gi'in us aaal t'chance ter speyk us own languages, like. So if tha's got owt to say, don't laik about like a daft ha'porth - gerrit off thi chest 'ere!

Nah then! Ee lad, tha's started summat 'ere. Theer's nowt better than a natter wi' folk oo can speyk proper. Art tha a Yorkshire lad thissen or dost tha just speyk t'lingo?
Sitthee

'Ow dare thee! Even t'thowt o'not bein' from God's own county meks me feel proper poorly!
Ah'll have thee know that ah'm Shipley born an' bred! Ah've had ter go an' live amongst t'southern jessies in London ter mek a bit o' brass, like, but me 'art'll allus be in't broad acres.
An' actually t'rest o' me'll be theer t'weekend after next. 'Appen ah'm goin' back 'ome fer me birthday!
Ee, ah'm lookin' forrard to a Bratfud curry an' a decent pint o'Tetley's!

Eh, music t'mi eyes lads, sumwun t'talk propper wi. Now ah know thiz sum as say Sheffield's not *real* Yorkshire but it still meks mi 'art proud that ah were born in God's own county, amongst folk who know thiz no 'r' in bath and glass.

Ah've supped a few in Bradford mi'sen and envy you you're trip Ormy bein' as 'ow ah'm likewise exiled - 'ave wun fur me

Nah then folks!
Nowt oop wi' Sheffield. Tha'd best not try tellin' me Muther it int in Yorkshire propper. Ah've t'shame t'say Ah'm ony 'alf Yorkshire me'sen. 'Ope tha dun't chuck me aht o' t'forum...

Nay, Chicken, tha'll do fer me. Sheffield's gradely even if it is a bit close to't border o't civilized world, beyond which lies t'ell on earth fowk call "Derbyshire".
Eh up, BS, 'appen tha's given me an idea. Tha knows 'ow some southern gets try an' mek out that us Yorkshire folk are mean? Well, ter prove that's a load o'tripe, 'appen ah'll sup TWO pints for thee when I'm up 'ome next weekend - a Tetley's and a Timmy Taylor's! And I 'ope tha appreciates t'gesture, like!

It must be true what they say about Harrogate being a Southern getto - I lived there for 10 years and never heard anyone speak like you guys!

Thats reight kahnd o'you Ormy

It's true, tha knaas - 'appen 'arrogate's a nest o'southern infiltrators. Ah've heerd that fowk theer don't speyk reet. 'Appen they should declare t'ole town an 'onorary part of Surrey!

Sehrheiss would like to point out he does know really that 'Ghetto' has an 'h' in it!
Surrey?! Now that's just mean!

Aye, tha's reet theer. Surrey's dead mean. Tha can't get a decent Yokshire pudden or a pint o'Tetley's theer fer love nor brass...

Ee Ah'm reet glad tha'll still speyk to me. Ah were allus brought oop ter be prowd o' me Yorkshire blood.
Anyroad, it's not as 'ow us Yorkshire types is mean - we're jus careful wi' us brass. Nowt oop wi' that.

Tha's well reet. Y'knaa, t'other day some southern twassock had t'nerve t'caal mi a tight northern get after ah'd dropped brass in't charity box he were shovin' in me gob.
Ah gi'im 10p! An' then he caaled us tight 'cause ah asked fer 5p change! Them southerners reckon like us exiles is med o'brass! But 'appen we'll nivver ferget us roots.

Eh, thiz nowt so strange as fowk. Problem is, these southern jessies av nivver ad it ard. Thi swan around in t'big cars, eytin in fancy restr'nts. Thi'v nivver ad t'go scratchin' fo t'change for a chip butty, or ad to use shanks pony to get inta tahn so thi cud afford a pint.

'Appen tha's reet theer. When ah were a lad that cud walk into Bratfud, 'ave a pint, go see Chubby Brown an' still 'ave enough change aht o' 'alf a crown fer a chip butty wi' extra drippin' on t'way 'ome.
Or better still, not bother wi' Chubby Brown an' 'ave six pints instead, like.

Ee, what a daft ha'porth ah am. Ah've been proper poorly t'last few days wi't flu, but ah'm not mitherin'. 'Appen it wor me own fault.
Ah should 'ave prepared me immune system for t'shock o'coomin' back in contact wi' alien southern germs. If ah'd just 'ad a proper Bratfud keema madras t'neet before coomin' back, t'spices would still have been in my system on't trail back ter London and t'germs would have had nay chance.
Any road up, 'appen ah'm on't mend now. And BluesSlider, lad - tha'll be 'appy to know that thi beers were gorgeous. Ah 'ad a Tetley's fer thee in't bar at Guiseley Football Club, not two 'undred yards away from a cultural landmark - t'legendary 'arry Ramsden's and chip shop. Ah 'ope tha feels 'onoured, like.

Eh lad, tha's done me prahd and browt a tear t'mi eye wot wi t'mention o' Bratfud curries an' all. Ah'm reet glad tha's on't mend mind Ah'll no doubt si thi in't F&F.