h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

you got an itch - yer watchin tv - you couldn't be bothered scratchin it coz yer comfy as it is. but then - w00p - it gets to a point where instead of just being invisible spiders runnin round - they've gone set themselves on fire and developed a strange form of communication that involves throwing lumps of flesh at each other, which they hack off the person they're itching while also howling inside your brain.

so you scratch, right.

then it starts again - because you've scratched - you get an itch ... same place or somewhere right near - and here you are - yer watchin tv - you couldn't be bother scratchin it coz yer comfy as it is.

how does this stop? and does it only start because you've noticed it doesn't stop? do I need a bath?

Depending on how bad it is, and what caused it in the first place, you might want to put some sort of cream on it - Germoline and Savlon are especially good if the skin is raw, or if the itch was caused by a bite or sting of some sort.

If it's just a random itch, stop thinking about it (as much as you can), DON'T scratch it, and it'll go away within minutes.

DONT SCRATCH IT!!!
you're a MANIAC!!!!
Do you even eat meat????
How can you not scratch an itch - it .. it .. itches,DAMMIT!
I hate itches. And as soon as you get an Itch you remember other itches - monumental itches - that took ages to get rid of ... and then ... suddenly ... just, as if by thinking about 'em - 'POP', they hear your mental call and rip through time and space and arrive, right beside your armpit - where that hive was last week - DAMMIT!!

There's only one cure to this type of problem.
(where it's only a problem because you thought about it as being a problem - like when you remember exactly what it is your sphincter is doing all day, and what'd happen if it - stopped)
One cure
BEER!!!

I never said it would be easy

Try to cool it down - a lot of itches happen because the area is too hot, so if you have an ice pack handy you could use that, or you could just loosen/remove clothing (depending, of course, on the location of the itch and the company you are in...). Failing that, try some bite/sting lotion (so long as the skin isn't broken) as it generally contains something that numbs the skin.

Or just scratch it, whatever.

i had this issue with heat lumps this week, scratched them til they bled and then still couldnt stop. washed them with an ICY cold flannel and then padded them dry and applied a massive blob of soothing cool savlon (always own lots of it in your house) and then slept with the foot out of the quilt to keep it very cool.

apparantly willow or marigold essential oils stop you scratching an ich, or prevent the itchy sensation.

Confuscious he say 'Stamp repeatedly on your hands until you lose all sensation in your fingers. You cant scratch then even if you want to'.

Confuscious also say 'Man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.'

He's usually right you know.