h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn't like the way things were going between us, and now he hates me. I can understand this, but I don't want him to hate me, and I still want to be friends with him. Is there any way that I can do this?

No. Chalk it up to experience and don't drop the next one quite so hard.

I've had it go just about every way here. I've got an ex-girlfriend (she dumped me) who is probably my best friend in town. I've also got another ex (again, she dumped me) who simply refused to talk to me until after I moved to college. The hard part is that when most people say "I still want to be friends" they mean "I still want to be friends... but not with you". If he liked you enough to be that hurt, eventually he should come around to settling for friendship, unless you've given him an actual reason to hate you. You'd be suprised what can qualify as a reason for hate... it might help to know the circumstances around the breakup.

It can also depend on whether you were friends to start with...as in really liked each other as people, age group, pride, what's been said to whom etc.Just as in relationships it takes two to be friends so you can do your best but the rest is up to the ex.
You might like this little sayinng I picked up= "the one doing the leaving always understands the reasons better than the one left behind." So don't be surprised if it takes a wee time for the ex to come to terms with the whole thing.
PS Irving W - "settling for friendship"?...sometimes friendship constitutes a heck of a lot more, lasts longer and is a hugely better option.

In the mind of someone who has been dumped, he/ she "settles" for friendship. In the mind of someone who has done the breaking up, friendship often "...constitutes a heck of a lot more..." This brings to mind something else people usually say but don't mean: "I want to be more than friends." What most people are really saying here is "I want to have a physical relationship with you." When I say it, I mean "I'd like to get to know you on a personal, emotional level."

~Irving

"Hate" is a very ugly word...I doubt that he "hates" you. I tend to think that he has been rather hurt in the breaking up,because he really felt for you and he is now trying to save some face by pretending to show that he doesn't care.

It could also mean that he didn't care in the first place and he's glad it's over and if you hadn't broke off first, he would have...eventually

The other thing you need to think about is...if you were to stay friends, would your "new" boyfriend approve? ...I know I don't think I would like my wife to stay in touch with her old boyfriends....

Absence make the heart grow fonder. Leave things how ever they may be for now and then maybe ring him in a month or so. You may be pleasantly surprised by his response at that time. Good luck.

What's really at issue here is your definition of friendship.
Amicable acquaintance? Soul-mate? No-ties sex partner? I tend towards thinking that friendship is very rare and valuable, far more so than romance. I have many acquaintances, but few true friends in my mind; I have had friends die tragically and I still miss them terribly; I have had friends literally save my life on several occasions; I have friends that I have known nearly all my life; in my mind, you are probably regretting the circumstances of the breakup and lack the stomach to follow through on it properly, so want to ameliorate the situation by hanging onto a relationship that will inevitably be awkward, sexually charged, and stained with memories of emotional pain. This is not friendship. The breakup wasn't mutual, so you hurt his feelings; perhaps necessarily; but the fact remains that friends generally don't intentionally inflict pain on each other. I'm sure this fellow sees your offer of friendship as an insult to his emotions and as an insult to everything you once represented to him.

Friends aren't 'made', they 'are'. He can't look past his pain to see value in continuing a relationship with you, and you can't directly experience his hurt or you would have found a more amicable way of severing romantic ties. So, whatever you might wish, you two are not friends, and probably never were more than romantic acquaintances.

I'm going to have to dissagree with the assertion that "friends generally don't intentionally inflict pain on each other." What if she hadn't been the girlfriend, if she had been a friend who told him the painful truth that he was the only one who couldn't tell the girl he was dating didn't want to date him anymore. She'd be a true friend, but she'd be inflicting pain on him, and knowing it. If you say that this isn't intentional, just a bad side affect of trying to help him, then wouldn't breaking up with him when the relationship wasn't working *that*way* be the same thing? Certainly it's better than leading him along?

~Irving

Thanks a lot. I never really looked at it like that. I'll give it a try.

Blame, like causality, is a nebulous concept difficult to nail down precisely. I have no doubt that painful breakups and startling revelations are on occasion necessary. Friendship is another issue entirely, however, and in this case it sounds like Trillian is clinging to a relationship because she lacks the courage to completely sever ties. 'True friends' would come to the realization simultaneously that the relationship needed redifining.

I may be wrong. Be sure to let me know how it works out, Trillian.

The first consideration, before the "can we be friends" routine, I would ask is "were you open with each other about what your expecations/desires were within the relationship, or did you do what most of us do and just let things evolve?"

If the former, then you've got grounds for breaking off that may be legitimate....clear communication in intimate relationships is insanely difficult to come by without some training; if the latter, then maybe play back the moments when you found him going somewhere you didn't want to and examine how you reacted - to yourself. This won't solve the current situation, but it may change a future one.

Remember, the clearer that you can be in knowing what you want/expect and telling him that, the clearer the answers will be and fewer ASSUMPTIONS will be made; this leads to greater harmony.

Fruitbat

This makes alot of sense. And Trillian, don't suppose that I'm an expert. I haven't had a date since the late 1900s.

~Irving

Get up and do something about that, young man (stop short of the roommate's cologne <g&gt Valentine's is worse than New Year's Eve for the single, unless you're in a country that doesn't celebrate it.

You need to think carefully what you mean by 'I still want to be friends with you'. Are you sure you're not just hanging on to the comfort and familiarity of having your ex around you?
Sometimes it's better for both parties to make a complete break, at least for a while, just to let all those fired up emotions for dumpee and dumper calm down a little.
If you really want the friendship of your ex, then respect his/her wish for distance now. It's been said before here, but be patient, wait a while and you may be surprised how much easier it is to meet your ex on friendly terms in a few weeks or months time.

believe me, I know about valentine's day. It was about a year ago I broke up with my last girlfiend (she would rather talk about Sailor Moon than what was bothering me, but always expected me to listen to her problems. It was a bit one sided, and much too physical). Since then, well. . . maybe I need to start a new forum for this. . .

. . . and that new forum is at http://www.h2g2.com/forumframe.cgi?thread=37661&forum=30859

I just broke up with a long term boyfriend in August. He is a really cool guy and I wish that I could be friends with him. But, I know that it's not possible. At least not now. If you really want to be friends with your ex then you have to wait until he is comfortable with it. I'm not going to try to befriend my ex until he comes to me. I know I wouldn't be able to take it if it was the other way around (I've been there), and I always try to practice the golden rule. Let him some to terms with your break up, it might not ever happen, but if it does, your friendship will be a happier one.

The way it turned out: It turned out that I was right in following through and breaking up with him. It turns out that he is just one of those guys who was in it for the sex, but didn't care who it was with. I now think that I am better off without him, and have absolutly no desire to continue any friendship with him.

Thank you. You are right, it wont help me solve this problem because I no longer have any desire to be his friend, but I will certainly keep this advice in mind next time. It is one of the best that I have heard yet.