h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Help me, help me, help me. I've started this page off but I want you to help me make it. It could grow and grow and become a really huge one...

What I want is: classic double entendres of film and TV history (get out the Carry-On videos), other uses and abuses of the D.E., how many can you fit into a sentence, and generally more tips on how to be really perverse and get away with it (not for the page - I just want to know...)

Suggestions, missus?

Mrs Slocombe and her "pussy" in Are You Being Served is surely one of the all time classic double entendres. Possibly every other line in Allo Allo was also one.

Also, here's a silly (and possibly crap - but who am I to comment) joke.
"A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre...
So he gives her one" Boom Boom.

Oh yeah, Mrs Slocombe's pussy has definitely got to go in there. Can you recall any specifics from Allo Allo? I seem to remember German sausage references cropping up rather a lot...

There was a young couple with a son so, to avoid the child knowing too much, decided to use the term "Washing machine" to refer to sex. One night they were in bed and the husband rolled over and said "Washing machine". The wife said "Not now". Five minutes later the husband rolled over again and said "Washing machine, washing machine" but his wife again said "Not now". Five minutes later she started feeling guilty so she rolled over and said "Okay, washing machine" to which the husband replied "It's alright. It was a small load and so I've done it by hand"

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Thinking about it again, Allo Allo was a bit more visual really, than double entndre. Cuckoo clocks going off when stuffed down someones trousers and the like. I do recall that Herr Flick would "pump people thoroughly back at his headquarters" though and also that Captain Gruber had a little gun in his little tank. Can't really remember any specifics on the knockwurst sausages I'm afraid.
Perhaps someone can come up with some good examples from the modern master of the double entendre, Julian Clary himself. He can't go through more than two sentences without some sort of sexual innuendo and is IMHO a very funny guy.

Ah, yes, how could I have forgotten Julian? A man who can't even be applauded without some comment about enjoying a warm hand on his entrance...

Well, when it comes to pussies, the Lords of Acid have a pretty entendre-ful song out. In fact the entire song is one big one (take that how you will).

Hmm, like wise AC/DC's Big Balls (think is ac/dc) lyrics along the lines of holding big balls that are the talk of the town...

And juvenille as it may be I still can't resist replying to the Q 'are you coming?' (ie coming down the pub) with a fnarr fnarr.

The "traditional" reply, which somewhat defuses its use as entendre, is "no, I'm just breathing heavily"...

Oh, and while I remember, the definitive musical "double entendre" is Chuck Berry's seminal "My Ding-A-Ling"

I was on the phone to my mum earlier and she was talking about 'everyone holding their own' which caused some tittering...

tittering...fnarr fnarr....

Well, just this morning, my manager was talking on the phone to someone about a certain Dutch company we deal with - she actually said very loudly "No, no, I'm talking about Kok!" and much hilarity ensued...

Spaceballs:

"So, you have the ring. And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you...handle it."

Now there 's one really big (ooh err) problem with getting your mind fixed on innuendo and thats that you go round sounding like Frankie Howard for days cos everything starts sounding wrude.
Like 'I bought a new plant today.. It's very big and I don't know where to put it.. it just won't fit into the place where I want it..'
See?

And Just this minute I was telling someone about a blokes column in the Guardian... A blokes column..

During the Euro '96 soccer tournament, the German side included Stefan Kuntz, while the Dutch squad prominently featured Johann der Koch.
Sadly, Germany never played Holland, so der Koch and Kuntz never came up against each other...

All right, I knew I'd encounter a good one IRL if I waited around long enough, and here it finally is: Rob down the hall recently got a care package from home that contained a home-baked pumpkin loaf (a bit like banana bread, in case you're wondering), and he's been sharing it out since there's too much for one person to eat before it gets stale. Earlier this evening he came in grinning and asked a couple of us if we wanted to slice his loaf, heat it up, butter it, and eat it. I replied with a grin of my own that I'd rather butter the whole thing, and he responded, "You only get as much as you can fit in your mouth." As I prepared to microwave my slice, he warned me not to put it in too long or it would get overheated and I'd have to blow on it to cool it down. More comments about its being one hot loaf followed, prompting him to say with very nearly a wink, "I would say that I was surprised to find that my mom makes such a good loaf, but actually I already knew it."

The "Beer" episode of "Blackadder II" is a pretty good starting point, containing such classic double entendres as "Get stuck in", "I'm holding my own" and "I was woken by a loud banging."

Or how about this classic rewording of an old favourite, from "Drop The Dead Donkey"...
"My daughter's got a new boyfriend. I think his name must be Richard." (You can already tell where this is going, can't you?) "She seems very keen on him - I heard her telling her friend that she just can't get enough Dick."