h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As is our practice, we'll occasionally declassify lab notes here around CLI. Normally we don't bother to classify our notes, but sometimes we will just for the fun of it. Other times it's to prevent the government from learning that we're practically a ticking time-bomb that, through sheer luck, has avoided exploding roughly eight times this week alone. And when that happens.....well, if the nuclear winter doesn't get to you, the radiation-resistant mutants and biotoxins will probably devour the planet. Oh, and due to our constant tamperings with otherworldly incidents, we've had to bury a few dangerous devices that, if used incorrectly, might unleash hordes of demons, or one particularly powerful demon, or monsters that can act as gateways to let demons through, or sentient computer programs that somehow turned into demons, or....we've had to stop a lot of demons in our time. We don't even go out looking for them, I've got no idea how they keep popping up. They're almost as frequent as the "final" epic battles between good and evil that we're constantly getting hurled into. I swear, every dark wizard or great daemon or chaotic entity of pure evil thoughts seems to think that he or she is evil's last stand. Believe me, I'd be perfectly fine with that! But no, evil just keeps coming back for more. Stupid evil....

As I was saying, this is just a declassification of a previously classified bit of lab notes. Why choose this one to unclassify? Well, unlike others, it probably won't hurt people if they ever learn (compared to some of the stuff that we've publically announced, this one's pretty quaint, actually). Also, it provides a bit of historical context for h2g2, as I was wearing the suit that it discusses when I suggested to VestBoy that h2g2 create a superhero organization (which eventually came to be called CHOPPERS).

Why did we classify this one? Well, you got me. We used to spin a giant wheel that would tell us which ones to classify, and the wheel must've landed on this one. I wonder where we put that wheel....probably in the warehouse somewhere. I'll have to get it out again for old times' sake.
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CLI LAB NOTES
SESSION #00007xx
SUBJECT: The Green Jester Suit

Okay, Affy speaking. I've finally taken off the Green Jester Suit. I only put it on because I'm at a masquerade party in another forum. Just wish that there were better rules for this "I can be anywhere on h2g2 at a time" thing that seems to have developped in the forum conversations these days. Eomando put it to use when she didn't know which route to take up a mountain, but aside from that it's just a nuisance.

Anyway, as stated in our previous notes, The Green Jester Suit is a meshing of projects that we've developed at CLI, and a mask that we found on an archaeological dig. The mask itself had the "essence" of an entity in it, but (in an unusual twist for items that contain parts of their previous owners) there was no mind. There were only mannerisms, habbits, appreciations, etc. There was also a good deal of magical power, but we were never able to tap it with just the mask alone. A person's face might be able to tap the power, but a hyper-charged face can't do much without a body. Please note that this was before anyone had ever met, seen, or heard of FACE. So we developped the Green Jester Suit, so named because the mask was green and eerily similar to those of Jesters as depicted in certain paintings, and also because the mask was green (hence our decision to make the suit itself green).

Now, it isn't at this time known just how much of what happened was through the mask's powers or through the suit's powers. But when I put on that costume, I was capable of acting in ways I couldn't before. For instance, I created a small world for myself called "Backstage H2G2." I was able to simply open the thin air before me (it turned into a door when I reached for the invisible knob), step through, and find myself in....well, in Backstage H2G2. It looked a good deal like I was behind the scenes of a stage play, and countless doors stretched out in every direction. I could then use the doors to head to pretty much anywhere in h2g2 that I chose.

The mask also made me speak in rhyme and act....well, act like a Jester. In fact, it wasn't unlike the legendary Last Jester of the Flathead Dynasty on Zork. Perhaps this mask was an artifact left from that time period.

Oh, well. Having worn the suit for a while and removed it, I can report that I acted very, very strangely. I even magically teleported into the Atelier to "warn Affy and Garius" to stop tinkering with the space/time continuum. I can only assume that I was referring to my own actions in the suit.

There's a lot to learn from this suit, I'm sure. But we don't know how to persue. That, plus we've got that big retail sale opening tomorrow, and we accidentally printed a bunch of coupons that give people far too much off. We'll be placing the Green Jester Suit into storage for a while.

END OF REPORT

*Quickly grabs the piece of paper from Affy's hand and hastily reads the first bit.*

Oh, phew. It's only the green jester suit thing. For a moment, I was afraid that we were declassifying the, er, you know.

Oh, goodness no. That one'll stay classified for quite some time yet.

Good, good. It would be rather embarassing if that one ever came out. I mean, I blush just thinking about the sardin...er, details.