h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Affy enters a large cavern, located far underground, somewhere beneath Moxon Wood. He goes up to the computer terminals, and sends messages and instructions as to how to get to the cavern to those who he thinks could help*

I hope help comes soon, Garius. It'll take more than you, me, and Ampton to handle this one.

The link didn't work, so I just wandered around till i found you. (Not that secret, was it?)

So, the question is, Whaaaaaaaasssssssssssuuuuup?

[YK enters, accompanied by Mackenzie, Link, and a short dragon named Draggin. Draggin isn't old enough to know what gender he wants to be, BTW.]

[YK] Hello?

Hello, YK. You're all the first to arrive. Mainly because I've yet to contact everyone else. Please, take a seat somewhere. This is the big one, guys, possibly the most important mission we've ever been assigned to.

*Affy is busily looking over several calculations while he says all of this. Meanwhile, Ampton is, for some reason, practicing swivelling up and down a long maintenance pole*

*runs in with a shovel in hand*

Where's the fight?? Oh, yet to come, I suppose... What is it you think we should do?

I think we should track down the shadowy figure behind all this; up until now I assumed Affy was in charge, but now I'm led to believe that he, along with us, has been "assigned" to do this...

Poetry Woman runs in, shield of dissonance and Poetry Beam at the ready.

Did someone say IMPORTANT MISSION?!?!

*ambles in, humming a song to himself, unaware of bizarre poetry-type goings-on and ambles out again*

[YK] So what's going on and who assigned you to this?

[The next time Ampton goes up, a twentysomething young man is hanging from him. He climbs up and walks up to the others]

[Elbert] Now what?

*Witty double checks the thread delivery address that Affy gave her, as she's never been to this part of h2g2 before.*

Well, I guess this must be the place.

*She enters the cavern and sees a gathering of researchers, most of them somewhat familiar to her.*

Hi, Affy. Here's that item you wanted from the 24-Seven:

Zork: The Calm Before The Storm
Chapter Five: Tangible Treasures, Intangible Terror
By Jack Anthrax
Copyright 2000

What's going on?

*Affy snatches the short story away from Witty*

Thanks, Witty. I think we've got enough people here for me to begin.

Anyway, Garius and I assigned ourselves to this one. However, President Peregrin was involved. Not too long ago, Minos Krylma (you all know who he is, right?) appeared before President Peregrin with three demands. First, Minos wanted to be knighted. Second, he wanted a million donuts/doughnuts so that his armies could be fed dessert this month. Third, he wanted CLI to be destroyed.

Fortunately, Peregrin resisted giving in, despite all of KL's threats. When Peregrin's deadline went past (post #27, for those of you interested in The 27 Conspiracy), Minos unveiled his biggest project yet: a device called the OmegaMatic, a machine capable of detonating the Galaxy.

*Affy punches a few buttons, and a holographic picture of a gigantic space station appears floating in the middle of the room*

This OmegaMatic is powered mainly by a smaller machine called the Quantum Explosion Dynamo (or the QED, for short.)

*A spherical area at the top of the rotating station glows for a few moments, indicating the position of the QED*

To totally render the OmegaMatic helpless, we must destroy the QED, and, hopefully, any blueprints involved in the designing of the QED. We have reason to believe that Minos himself did not design it, and that this person did.

*Another holographic image of a young boy, roughly eight years old, appears next to the image of the OmegaMatic. The boy is dressed in black, and is wearing a football helmet with the letters "MM" on both sides.*

This is Mortimer McMire, also known as The Grand Intellect, also known as The Gannalech. This boy has the highest IQ in the known Universe, and is the greatest technilogical mind known to exist. He was the original inventor of the QED, and seems to have mysteriously vanished recently. On a related note, Minos Krylma keeps commenting that he entered a Devil's Deal with Mortimer, and came off on the good end.

*The image of Mortimer McMire goes away*

Our mission is to infiltrate the OmegaMatic, and destroy the QED. We'll have a long way to go, however, as the only possible entrance that we have found is this Ion Ventilation Chamber.

*Another area of the ship begins blinking, but this time at the absolute bottom of the ship*

Along the way, there are four other machines that we will need to destroy, so that we can activate the main elevator shaft. These four machines are located along this ring on the outside of the station.

*The ring of the station glows briefly*

We suspect that these machines, along with every other possible area on the ship will be well guarded. Minos has called in special troops. We won't just have to worry about the members of STUMPED (but believe me, they're there, and they appear to be organized for the first time in their lives), and we won't just have to worry about the legions of the Krylma (also there.) But Minos has a ridiculous amount of robots and alien creatures ready to defend the station at all costs.

Any questions?

How do they plan to escape the detonation of the Universe? And, is that detonation before or after half the stars in the universe are going to explode on another thread which is currently pending moderation...? (I can't remember the name of the thread, but the SCoC and Vlad the Inhaler were involved...)

*WM looks distinctly nervous and starts taking inventory of the items in her safari jacket pockets.*

Affy, would you download that information into my PDA, please? It'll make a handy reference once we're inside. I'm likely to get lost otherwise. That place is huge.

Yeah, where are they going to go if the whole universe is anihilated?

[Elbert] Villains, in my experience, have a habit of not planning for that sort of eventuality.

[YK] Knowing KL, he's probably imprisoned MM for wanting his part of the deal.

[Mackenzie] ...

[Link] ...

Who's Mortimer's poetry teacher? Perhaps I could sneak in undercover acting as his tutor?

[YK] ...I think trying for that sort of thing is useless. My instincts and other forums tell me that KL has imprisoned the Gannalech. They also tell me (lemme bring up a star map) [brings up a star map] that he's right ... [closes eyes] HERE! [points]


Affy, please post soon so that you can tell me what I pointed at. I pointed at the right spot, but until YOU tell me, I won't know where it is.

First of all, everyone, note that I did *NOT* say that Minos plans on blowing up the entire Universe. That would be silly. No, he merely plans on blowing up the Galaxy. There are other galaxies that he can run to. I know, I've been to them.

Also, you need not worry about the other adventure forum for now, Peet. This is a self contained mission, and not subject to the rules of "Cross Forum Continuity." If it wasn't, how could I possibly be on so many adventures at the same time?

Third, as you'll see, YK has pointed to the spot on the star chart that I have labelled with the fairly easy to see picture of the OmegaMatic. It is currently stationed near the third planet in the Korooth System. We've been monitoring their presence ever since we first received this message.

As for Mortimer's poetry teacher, I'm sad to say that he never cared much for poetry. Smartest entity in the known Universe, and he never once cared about culture.

But enough chat. Are there any more questions? We need to move as fast as possible. I'm already warming up the Mangar.

Any chance he's allergic to poetry?

If so, we should get some indystrial strength ear-muffs, a military-spec. tape recorder, and lay in a course for Vogsphere.

Poetry Woman looks rather miffed