h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've a very sore head. I'm not sure now whether to go to elderly relative's funeral or not. I'm not that bothered about funerals. They're more about the living than the dead (in my opinion). If someone I know dies I'll attend the funeral if I can. If a relative dies I'll attend the funeral. Even when a relative I didn't particularly like (or visit) recently died I attended the funeral and sympathised with the immediate family but I didn't place a notice in the newspaper or create a fuss with weeping and wailing (that particular relative didn't mean very much to me).

Elderly relative did mean a lot to me.

I mentioned in a previous journal that on Saturday night the estranged wife of one of her son's turned up while I was there at the bedside vigil. She turned up like any bad penny. A bit of history here: she hadn't seen or spoken with elderly relative for 25+ years, she hadn't permitted her husband to visit elderly relative for 25+ years, she kept her only child away from her grandmother for 25+ years. Son only dared resume contact with his mother about a year ago when his wife threw him out claiming 'he was getting too much like his mother'.

On Saturday night she turned up - I ignored her an left the room when she entered. When I returned (after 10 mins) she left but not before kissing elderly relative on the forehead and saying 'goodnight' her daughter did the same and they left.

Tonight in the paper the funeral notice has appeared and elderly relative will be sadly missed by son, daughter-in-law, granddaughter (insert names here) the woman who hated elderly relative?!?!

I'm going to assume she'll be there at the funeral leading the mourning.

After she'd left on Saturday I washed elderly relative's face and forehead and apologised for her having to put up with that visit - but there was nothing I could do to stop it because her son had arranged it. I did cry then because I knew how much elderly relative would have hated daughter-in-law being there let alone seeing her like that. Shortly thereafter I wiped some fluid that had leaked from both her eyes. Now that fluid may have been tears but it could have just been, well, fluid. She did die 27 hours later.

I'm worried that if I go to the funeral I will have no option but to tell daughter-in-law she's a two-faced, hypocritical, brass-necked , in fact I know I'll have to tell her that. So I should go or stay at home and keep my peace or hold my whisht as we say over here?

When is the funeral? How much time do you have in which to reach a decision?

Funerals are never easy.

And there will always be people there whose presence is questionable.

I wouldn't tackle this person at the funeral - that's not fair to the other people attending. But maybe you need to have your say with her some other time.

You go if you want to - but don't feel obligated.

You've more than done your fair share of caring, the funeral is an optional.

That's more or less what I thought, Bea. The thing is I will probably never, ever see her again - I've seen her once I think in the 25 years since she disconnected herself.

I have until Thursday to decide.

I know I can't possibly go without meeting her in the line-up - she'll be there with the nearest and dearest drama queening it up when the fact is she hated her - obviously far more than I've ever hated anyone. I mean if A was on fire I would p*ss on her! She couldn't say the same for elderly relative - she wouldn't have cared less. I also know I couldn't possibly say nothing so I will probably stay at home.

Staying at home might be best. Funerals are for the living, after all - elderly relative won't know, and in fact probably would have quite understood.

Would it be possible to go for the service, and skip the reception? Just go stand at the back of the church / crematorium and pay your respects.

Good idea Dr Zen, I may go but try to slip in and sit at the back, dodge the offensive A completely and leave right away. I'd need to be quick about it and there is all sorts of potential for it to go wrong but I've stuck with elderly relative so long I may as well give that a try....... I think.