h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Why did Wales build a stadium with a roof that you can close but now refuse to close it even though the teams would prefer it closed when it is raining?

Anyone know the Wales weather forcast for tomorrow? This could be a large factor in how the game is played.

The good thing about the New Zealand psyche, is that after a jolly good tragedy we can find something to laugh about.

Following is the actual transcript of the half time talk by John Hart to the ABs at Twickenham, World Cup Semi Finals 1999:

Hart: Well boys, things haven't gone too well in the first half. We're only up 14 points on these frogs. But don't worry, I know what we're doing wrong.

Mertz?

Andrew Merthens: Yeah John?

Hart: I'm a bit disappointed with your stats. You're running 42% - 58%
passes to kicks. It's too high. From now on I want you to kick the ball straight down their throat. The Frenchies have been catching everything without any trouble so far, but I've got a real strong feeling they're gonna start dropping it soon. I want to get that percentage up to about 80 percent kicks. When you do pass it, for Christ's sake keep it away from Jonahs wing. The man's already had to score 2 tries, and I don't want him getting to tired for the final.

Jonah?

Jonah Lomu: Yeah John?

Hart: I'm a bit disappointed with your sense of sportsmanship. Every time you've had the ball you've gone straight at the smallest man on the field and knocked the crap out of him. It's not fair. I've told Mertz not to throw the ball your way, but if you do get it, I want you to pick out a bunch of big men in blue jerseys, preferably the front row, and run straight into them.

Alama?

Alama Iremia: Yeah coach?

Hart: Good work, every time you've got the ball you've run straight into two or three big frenchies and had the piss kicked out of you. That's the stuff we like to see. Keep it up. You've done it so many times now that it's the last thing they'll expect. If anything, try and get a bit closer to the rucks, because Robins getting a bit old and can't be arsed running all the way out the break downs. Jonah, you should take a leaf out of Alamas book.

Jeff, how are you feeling?

Jeff Wilson: OK, a bit nervous though John.

Hart: Yeah, it shows. Have a drag on this joint, it'll take the edge off.

Jeff Wilson: Thanks Coach.

Hart: Give Tana a toke too, it'll give him courage under the high ball. Jeez you look good with that black collar Jeff...if I was 20 years younger.....anyway.

Anton?

Anton Oliver: Yes John?

Hart: Fantastic work mate. Every lineout's a lottery! You've got that ball flapping round like a dunny door in a nor-wester, nobody has a bloody clue where it's going to land. It's exciting stuff. The crowd are loving it. Keep it up.

Anton Oliver: Gee thanks John. I thought I was messing things up there.

Hart: Hey, you're an artist mate, you're an innovator. That's leading edge stuff. No one has ever thought of throwing the ball like it was a sack of pig shit before. Brilliant! I think that if you close the other eye as well, the effect would be true art.

Anton Oliver: Cheers John, I'll give it a try.

Hart: Backs, It looks like you aren't having any luck getting the fundamentals like catching the ball right. Stick at it for another quarter, and if you still haven't nailed it, try some of the difficult moves we tried at practice. I'll probably put Darrel on in the last quarter to give Alama a rest, so wait until then. With a cold pair of hands on the field, the move is bound to come off perfectly. And remember, keep it away from Jonahs wing.

Josh, Norm, good work rate. The rest of you forwards can basically relax and do sod all this half. Josh and Norm have got it covered OK? If it looks like the frogs are going to get a try and you can't be stuffed tackling, either give away a stupid penalty or just let them run around you OK?

Ha! So much for the Gallic flair eh boys? See you at the after match, and hey, remember, it's just a game.

It's going to be a bit overcast, slight chance of rain.

We don't want the roof of the millenium stadium getting wet because it's new and shiny, so we're keeping it open. Makes sense if you think about it!

OK, so maybe it doesn't.

Perhaps they're going to rename it Millennium Pool and go for the Olympics...

Heh, that's really very clever. At least we can still laugh about it.

'Course, if we lose to the springboks this evening, there will be BLOOD TONIGHT!

They might do, it's definitely looking a bit grey outside.

In desperate times desperate people look desperately for the good news.

In the 55 test matches in the 20th century between South Africa and New Zealand the final score was NZ 28 SA 27

The weather is looking nice in India for the one-day cricket this afternoon.

Dare I mention the NZ v Aus league Test Match tonight

You might get lucky, they might not turn up!

That's extremely good advice for All Blacks thinking that they can return home safely. They ought to have known the risk when they signed up! The wrath of the New Zealand public shall be upon them.

Looking at the game, it looked to mainly be a combination of simple things like handling errors, and looking completely lost of offense. There didn't appear to be a gameplan or any fancy moves, towards the end it was looking more like a game of league rather than union.

If we don't defend the America's Cup.... *shiver*

Too bad for the National Government that the success and failure of the incumbant government is directly proportional to the success and failure of the All Blacks.

"I don't think they (the French players) were pulling All Black testicles. it looked to me that they were just feeling around down there to see if they had any balls" - A caller to NZ talkback radio

as for the impact on the government you might very well think that but of course i couldn't possibly comment

well the final's on in the wee smalls tonight (well tomorrow) but i don't really know if i can be arsed. after all i've only managed to watch one game out of the entire world cup (england vs nz) due to exams, why break with tradition now

as to the all blacks arriving home, i bet they wish they didn't have that special plane now

LT: loved the half time thingy - it rocked - just what i needed

Do you feel confident about passing the exams Spanner Girl?

We all care out here you know

confident about three out of four

actually it's been great having everyone's support out here - like my own cheer squad, and it's really helped me keep focused and not get overwhelmed by how incredibly far behind i was - thanks everyone - you all rock (that's a good thing where i come from)

span

Congratulations on your win Australia. I know it's hard to be humble, but please try.

A word from our spy in the All Black camp.

Taine Randell: I've gotta pinch myself John... when you said we were off to the World Cup final it was only a dream.

John Hart: Shucks! It was nothing Taine.

Alas this conversation took place in the grandstand.

winning the world cup and keeping the queen all in one day!

span

Ooh yes, the irony was not lost on us over here. All the papers went out on Sunday featuring the picture of John Eales (a committed republican, I hear?) receiving the cup from Her Majesty, with predictable headlines..("She's Queen of Australia, he's King of the World" - bleurgh!) Well done, though Oz, you deserved it for being the least dissapointing side at the World Cup. New Zealand let themselves down so astonishingly badly after a promising start that you can only guess they must have become complacent. France played one game all tournament, England lacked the imagination to break down the top defences, South Africa played firmly to their limitations (i.e. Jannie's freakish boot). Scotland tried gamely but lacked firepower, Wales lacked pace, Ireland lacked just about everything. All the credit for the 'lesser' sides goes to Argentina ("For christ sakes, hurry up and kick the ball, Gonzo!"), Fiji (they do have a team without Serevi), and Samoa (for bursting Welsh delusions of grandeur), and of course man of the tournament is the incredible Tim Horan. Anybody fancy giving us their world cup sides? Just for the record, here's mine
Full back: Christian Cullen, Wings: Christophe Dominici, Jonah Lomu Centres: Tim Horan, Daniel Herbert, , Fly-Half: Gonzalo Quesada, Scrum-Half: George Gregan, Back Row: Lawrence Dallaglio, David Wilson, Pat Lam, Second Row: Abdelatif Benzzi , John Eales (c), Props: Craig Dowd, Ollie le Roux, Hooker: Keith Wood.

I figure you have to slap Joost in there at half back. He carried SA all the way to 3rd place by himself. Otherwise its a nice list. I have to agree that Cullen was wasted in the mid-field. When he's in the thick of it, there's no room for that outstanding agility he has, if hes out the back in space, he can be pretty untouchable for breaking down defences. So many tries I saw the All Blacks score from the initial Cullen break in the past.

Siiiiiiggghhhhh.