h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Of Rivers Unseen - A4926341
Author: Flameisgold - U1652413

Life is never as it seems.

Workshopping and reading only. Would appreciate comments or advice etc.

Formidable, Flame.
The dialogue is very fine, and the way it evokes the scene is masterful.

The only bit I'm not quite sure about is the beginning. It doesn't quite hang with the rest.

It might work better in a different tense, perhaps "It hadn't been immediately obvious", etc, because that part of the narrative recollects events preceding the river dialogue. It might also be worth briefly revisiting it at the end, with a home scene, despondency now dispelled and replaced by a more thoughtful and thankful outlook.

It depends on what you're trying to say here, of course. Not that I feel I can teach you much these days. Wow!

Pin

Thanks very much for your comments. You are correct about the opening, I've never been happy with the first few paragraphs.

By the way, I loved your latest story, it's really well written and thought provoking. It has a real universal feel to what has and continues to happen in our society. Well worth reading.

Flame

Pin has said it all in those two words; there's nothing I can say that is comparable.
I think the story is a lovely one, if a little sad. But anyone who has really loved and lost will know exactly what your story means, exactly how the young lady feels; believe me!

You have two very tiny errors: put these right and you've achieved perfection. You are, after all, a professional writer! It almost goes without saying.

I quote: 'Sinking into the grass beside the water's edge' You'll see the errors for yourself!
Wonderful read.

f.

Thank you so much. That's the problem, I often miss my own errors, I become word blind, so I appreciate you reading through for me.

This is probably my longest story ever, but I hope I'm inspired to write more.

Cheers,

Flame

That's ok Flameisgold, a pleasure.

Most of us become 'word-blind' in the face of our own art. Not many people produce a story, or any other piece of writing, without error! We're all human, therefore we err. And we find our own errors even less!


I err, therefore I am!
Now, where have I heard something like that before?


f.

Thank you for posting this...I enjoyed reading it through.

-Phred

Thanks Phred Glad you enjoyed this story.

I enjoyed every word, Flame.

Thank you again.

I think the other guys have said everything; lovely story, and now I've got goosebumps !

Thanks Chips. Always good to hear from you.

Flame

Ahh didn't this pass through some time before? I can't remember what I said about it then but on reading it again I still get something out of it.

I'm wondering though, what IS the bird/sound at the end?

kat

Hi Kat,

I've had this story here before, but I've worked on it since the last time. I'm quite pleased with it now.

The bittern is a rare bird mainly found on the eastern side of the UK. You have more chance of hearing its unique cry than you ever would of spotting one. I saw a local TV report the other night that the numbers are down this year. (They are not sure why) There are only two of them in Cambridgeshire, 60+ in Suffolk and around 50+ in Norfolk.

It really does make a booming sound - which to my ear sounded very much like a fog horn. I’ve only ever heard it once, but it was very memorable.

Flame

http://www.rspb.org.uk/birds/guide/b/bittern/gallery.asp?type=a&id=/Images/bittern_tcm5-20243.mov

You might like to check out this site

Thanks Chips I'm a Norfolk girl, and I've spent many a happy hour by the river. I had Norfolk in my mind when I was writing this up. It was good to bring something local into the story.

Flame

Ah Norfolk.

Beautiful county

Yes it is. I love it here, even though I've lived in other countries. Always good to come home. Boootiful!

Oh No ! Not Bernard Matthews and twizzlers again

Holy Smokes girl, you REALLY worked on this while away!!!

It was ever so good before but this latest version is so, so much more. I love the expansion you've given the dialogue, very natural in it's timbre and cadence and the resulting character interaction adding such realism to the piece.

The "I've never told another soul" touch is such a sweet way to bring the reader into the story on a level almost subliminal in effect. We all treasure the intimacy of a secret shared and you've used it in such a fashion as to draw the reader into the river of your own creation, the story running with a current deep and true, it's pull seductive and with an embrace as soft as velvet.

Once more you prove yourself among the finest hootoo has to offer and I thank you for the privilage of reading your work yet again .

Spynxxx

That's really a very nice story.

Ah! Norfolk, wonderful Norfolk!!

You know Flame, it's one of the most characterful counties of old Anglia.
I spent many happy hours there on the Broads. Norwich and its cathedral have a unique feel about them; something to do with the history combined with a certain quality in the light; it is an intangible thing, but what magic!
I was then barely eighteen, with a girl I loved (and lost!) on my arm. Her sister's husband was in the air force, stationed at R.A.F. Coltishall. I went as a visitor to the Office's Mess. They lived in a little cottage in Coltishall village, called 'The Red House'. Close by was a white painted wooden Mill, on the banks of a river. That was 50 years ago. I often wonder what the place is like now. I do hope it's just the same; too many things change, I like continuity.
You are right about the bittern and her boom, a strange call! A rare bird. It's so lovely to know she's back in her old habitat.
Did you ever see that famous cartoon by, I think it was Giles. Two American airmen in a Jeep coming into Norfolk over the border they see a hoarding advertising the Broads: 'Come and see the beautiful Norfolk Broads', it read. 'Well', said one 'wadya think about that Hank? They even advertise their lovelies here, must get our share of them, whatya say?'

f. Ron