h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How about gatecrashing? I mean from the gatecrashers perspective? I've crashed a few in my time and usually had a great time. How to gatecrash:

Waffle your way in through the front door. If you can't do this, you're not gatecrasher material. Sorry.

Find out where the alchohol is. Good places to look: the fridge, that awkward press just above the fridge, the back garden, the pantry etc. etc. Bad places to look: the toilet, the bedroom from whence the grunting noises emanate, the front door etc. etc.

Of course the alchohol will probably be OPB (Other People's Beer) but Don't Panic! This is the best kind (really)!

Imbibe same. Repeat.

Now it's time for some fun and games! Try chatting up as many members of the opposite sex as you can. Beware of great big hulking boy/girlfriends though!

Steal stuff. Yes! A gatecrasher has the right to steal 'gatecrasher goods'! I don't mean stuff like the TV (yawn) but better stuff like lightbulbs. Take every single lightbulb from that house. It really is fun to achieve the (almost) impossible! Steal every bottle opener and corkscrew in the place. You'll have them on their knees eating from your hand!

Don't get caught! Bearing in mind that theft is illegal (and immoral too, you may go to Hell for it), don't get caught!

Play the music the party deserves. Get your host's Andy Williams albums (for some reason all hosts seem to have these, no idea why) and put 'em on. Full volume please!

Go get yourself another beer, you deserve it.

Now for the ultimate: (you always wanted to know who did this, now the truth is revealed!!)

Fill your pockets/bags with OPB and go to the bathroom (it's the room with most of the vomit on the floor) and lock yourself in, exit through the window and down the drainpipe. Excellent!!

Now its time to make yorself scarce, and go to the party you were actually invited to down the road...