Gatecrashers
Created | Updated Jun 6, 2003
A Guide to the 'Schroedinger's Soiree' effect
Einstein gave us the equation E=Mc squared. From this we deduce that energy has mass and is therefore subject to the laws of gravity. A really energetic party will therefore, as a large mass, attract smaller drifting bodies towards it. Some of these bodies will be gatecrashers- uninvited guests with unlimited creative and destructive potential. Quantum theory suggests that gatecrasher potential exists as a field effect, and is catalysed into the actual by acts of hedonism, celebration, and transgression of local drug legislation.
Gatecrashers can wreck a party. However, they can also make one. Lifelong friendships can be formed, exotic chemicals shared, and casual sex performed. This Guide entry exists to encourage and celebrate this lighter side of gatecrashing.
How to encourage and nurture your gatecrashers
- Advertise your party in nightclubs. Tell friends, who can instigate a word of mouth process on your behalf. Tell the least stable people you know you're having a party, and to bring anyone. Leave your front door open with a sign saying 'Party in here guys.'
- Vacuum before the party with the machine set to 'blow'. This will help soak up spillages. Empty your ashtrays over the carpet to save confusion later.
- Leave the sprinkler attatchment to your garden hose in the loo, to save your male gatecrashers from having to manually distribute their urine all over the floor. To really thrill your new guests, carpet the toilet the day before the party.
- Make sure your bathroom door only locks from the outside, permitting both recovery of fallen partygoers and amusing practical jokes. Make the bath comfortable with pillows and duvets.
- Make sure that your gatecrashers know where to find your food, alcohol, and valuables. Again, this saves time and collateral damage. Dismantle any fragile equipment: replacement parts are cheaper than replacement machines.
- Distribute pans, bowls and other kitchen containers as vomit receptacles. Once the party reaches a certain point of equilibrium, you will never run out of nibbles.
Preventative Measures
It is possible, if unlikely, that some less intrepid readers will wish to avoid the potential excitement of being gatecrashed. In this case, any of the following may be of use:
- A bouncer.
- Barbed wire.
- Guard dogs.
- A personal taser.
- Religious pamphleteers.
