h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You are given a book by the hospital which tells you what to expect. It says things like "Stretch marks are fine white lines". This what the writers thought of as a neccssary understatement in order not to worry you, but is more accurately described as a LIE! Stretch marks, when they first appear, are HUGE red weals which make your belly look like the design for a Star Trek alien skin tone. I speak from experience. There are many such understatements in the book, most of which will get you into a real panic when you look them up and become comvinced that something horrible is happening to you (more horrible than pregnacy that is). At this point you will contact your doctor or midwife who will have a good laugh about how silly you are for getting yourself in a state about some perfectly normal symptom! This adds an extra level of terror and stress to pregnacy, unless you're a doctor or midwife in which case it adds amusement!

you forgot the wierd cravings