h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Are you tired of the holidays already? Has shopping, decorating, and partying got you down? Are you dreading even more entertaining and being entertained?

Then you, my friend, need a music break. Go to a concert at your local elementary (primary) school. It helps if you have a young relation in the choir or band, but if you don't, check the schedule in the local paper and show up, anyway. They won't mind. Warning to male readers: you should probably bring an adult female with you, lest you get Funny Looks.

Settle into the folding chairs in the school gym or multipurpose room. Soak in the ambience. Chat with the neighbours. Find out what their kids are playing. Mention with mock modesty that you are acquainted with one of the tuba players. Praise the band and choir directors - they will deserve it. In a moment, you will see (and hear) why.

The band comes out with a bustle, bearing half a ton of brass and woodwind. Suddenly, you understand why the youngest Hoggett likes to play tuba. He's not an exhibitionist, to say the least, and he dreads onstage exposure. Although he's probably the tallest kid in his class, he looks like a tuba with legs. Invisibility + loudness? Priceless. The kids settle in with remarkable discipline for the 9-12-year-old crowd.

Some well-spoken kids line up at the mic to announce the numbers. All goes well until the fourth child reaches the speaker, which goes dead.

'It's BROKE!' she calls plaintively. Laughter. A teacher helpfully supplies a new battery, and we learn more about the evening's line-up. They pick up their instruments, focus on the director, and start.

What a glorious noise! We're sitting on the same level, mere feet away from two tubas, some French horns, and a particularly well-played oboe. The kids act professional: they watch their director, they start and stop together, their posture is astounding. (Have you watched the average 11-year-old inhabit a chair lately?) The timing is impeccable. What they lack in tone-making raffinesse, they more than make up for in precision.

The Big Number involves the 'Carol of the Bells'. The director, a genial gentleman approximately the size of a family fridge, calls gently, 'You have to stand up with your section when you're featured. We talked about this, remember?' Sure enough, they do: woodwinds, trumpets, French horns, saxes and tubas, all stand up on cue. The applause is thunderous.

The Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra may have fancier degrees, but they cannot have more fun than these young musicians had.

The band director asked us all nicely to stay for the second half of the concert, even if we were 'band families'. And of course, everyone did. It was only an hour's concert, after all, and many of the band members also sang in the choir.

I am jealous of this choir. When I was in school, we had to wear robes or identical shirts and ties, etc. THIS glorious crew were sartorially festive: the oboist, now a singer, sported sparkly silver slippers. One young lady was dressed as Mrs Santa Claus. One tall soprano sprouted reindeer antlers. The boys were more conservative, though one had a Santa hat on.

The singing was enthusiastic and tuneful. Marimbas were played. They sang calypso and gospel. They danced, astonishingly well. They sang 'Jingle Bells' to the tune of 'Minka' - Eastern Europeans in the audience rejoiced. They even sang 'O Tannenbaum' in German. I detected a slight Bavarian accent, and wondered who'd been teaching them. Their director, a nimble and slender woman, practically became airborne as she danced her instructions and cues.

We applauded and applauded. The directors thanked the parents for making the extra effort required to support a music programme in their school, and urged everyone to show appreciation to the performers. This sort of exercise gives the kids confidence that they will need in life. It also generates a lot of sheer joy, which is good value for money when you figure what went into it.

Now, don't you feel better about the holidays? Go get yourself some hot cider, put your feet up, and chuckle over the memories.

Well, I went to Christmas concert too

Not a school one, but an amateur choir from Southampton, who were performing with the professional Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra last Sunday. They did a fine job. Highlights were their rendering of Chris De Burgh's 'A Spaceman Came Travelling', and the BSO's highlights from the Nutcracker Suite.

'A Spaceman Came Traveling' is one of my favourite holiday songs, too.

My dad likes to tell a story from when he was at school and the orchestra needed people to 'fill up' space. My dad is chronically untalented when it comes to music. He was handed a violin and the teacher told him 'Berühr mir bloß die Saiten nicht!' (Do not touch the strings!)

That teacher should have done what my violin teacher said she did to one of her kids: soaped the strings.

She meant it kindly. She said, 'That way, he could 'play' in the group concert, and everybody would be happy.'

That's just great!

Soaping the strings is a beautifully underhand trick.

TRiG.

I have never heard of soaping strings before!