h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Would you like me to send some weevils over to take care of that for you?

I think my pest management skills are a little slack - I'm hoping they shall just scamper away - but your trusty weevils, can they play the heavy if need be?

Well, they might just go away on their own, but if it gets unmanageable, I suppose I could send a couple of American Negotiating Weevils to try to deal with them. If that doesn't work, then I'd probably have to resort to the Haitian Berzerker Weevils. Trust me, your pest problems will be over for good if I end up using those Berzerker Weevils, especially I throw a couple of biscuits into the deal.

It's getting worse - I think a little negotiation may not go amiss. And I'll just look after those biscuits for now (do they have chocolate in them?)

For some reason, I can't load any images from your page again. I can't properly evaluate the seriousness of the situation.

No idea what's wrong - and I'm afraid not only can I do nothing about it, I really don't at this moment in time care - I shall assume that when they are ready they shall re-appear. They are unimportant - it's just a bunch of insects really. (Maybe the beserker weevils saw them off already?).

How was lunch?

I'd hate to think that my berserker weevils chased every bit of imagery away from your page. Maybe the problem's on my end.

I haven't had lunch yet. I have the day off today (Remembrance Day) and I've been sitting on my couch watching TV and surfing all morning long. But I think I'll skip off for lunch soon, since I'm getting pretty hungry now. I slept through breakfast.

You have the whole day off for remembrance? How respectful - we have one minutes silence at 11am.

The whole day off - once more I am jealous (a day off and home cinema - what more could a girl want ). I have had a 12 hour day at work today... totally shattered, needless to say. But hey, don't want to drag you away from your leisurely lunch (*scowls enviously*)

Nothing like a veggie burger specially seasoned with a pinch of guilt.

I guess I won't tell you about the various days off I get 'round Christmas.

I've got a fortnight off work around Christmas so I don't care - makes up for the fact that I've had no summer holiday

I've just got to come up with something interesting to do...

Criminy, your pest problem is getting worse. I'm sending the American Negotiating Weevils over right now. Not as friendly as my other weevils (they take their instincts a bit seriously) but they usually get the job done. Hope we've caught this in time.

Ah - I take it from that, that the insects have returned to your vision - can you assess the situation? What's the problem - too many crumbs knocking about? Where will I find these negotiating weevils and what exactly is their brief? Someone has to take charge, surely?

Your American Negotiating Weevils have yet to show up, so Kensington has taken charge for now and is doing a fine job so far. You have a fine and faithful companion there

Kensington? I wonder where he'd got to. Well, Kensington's a good little weevil. He may not be as effective as the Negotiating Weevils, but he can be very persuasive when he puts his little weevil mind to it.

In fact, I see that he seems to have the situation under control for now. Tell him there'll be an extra dollop of corn syrup on his biscuits when he returns.

Bloody Negotiating Weevils. I'll have a word or two with them when they turn up.

Yes, Kensington is doing very well - I think he's telling them a bedtime story now and they are going to all have a bit of a nap soon. The negotiating weevils showed up not long ago, full of apologies, so I have sent them on their way after looking at them sternly for a bit. I think they have been suitably chastised. treat them well.

Well, they'll still get their biscuits tonight, but I'm not tucking them into bed. They understand discipline; they'll accept that.

Harsh but fair You couldn't withdraw vital biscuit rations - you could give them rice cakes though - that would be harsh.

Oh, they relish their biscuits, let me tell you. Rice cakes are like foreign cuisine to them. They have very sensitive taste buds that can pick up delicate traces of flavour that you and I would miss entirely. Even in rice cakes.

Rice cakes? Flavour? You jest, surely

I know, but hey, ask any weevil.