h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just vanted to document my latest visit, to Tossers homepage. The time is now 00:07. I visitied his homepage tonight with his consent.
Matrix Mage has struck.... Muuaahhhhhh...

Thou art indeed an evil sod mister Matrix Mage, if that is your real name. Fiddling around with poor old Tossers homepage like that. In the old times, people who did that were taken out back and given a good seeing to, mind you some are. Why while me, Tosser and good old Thundeguts were in eton together there was paddling of rippling cheeks, so much I can tell you.
Nice page by the by, now how about publishing some info on those blasted savages you associate yourself so liberally with. One can never get around in life without knowing a thing or two about raunchy inuits.

with best regards

R.R. Bumstead, alias Screwtape

Evil lurks in places where one would never suspect it to ... lurk.

You are well versed in the arts of zen but are you experienced enough to challenge the Duke?

One can but wonder.

I weave the Matrix
Throug the lines I make my patterns
The flux makes my one with the baud
I burst through the barriers of the electron
I alone, battle the digital God
I master the lines, the modems, the servers
I weave the Matrix
I AM the Matrix

Bring on the DUKE!!!!!!!

I must confess I have in my bag of trick stored a few things about those blasted savages I have associated myself with. One can indeed never get around in life without knowing some tidbits about those raunchy inuits!
Thanx for the compliment on the page... Laught my balls off about the Iceland vs. Scotland debate.

Hullo there, it's me, Thunderguts. I'm just sending this post as a nice thank you note for including me on your page. I will soon enough add you on mine, as soon as I figure out this blasted computer. Tom Waits is God...and...well...bugger...I seem to have misplaced my cigar in me glass of chardonnay.

Since you seem to be a fan of poetry instead of pottery which my late wife seemed to like for some reason. I decided to enclose in this letter a little limerick...

Gone are the lasses,
flown are the Birds
While we on our asses
are feeling a bit like something that begins with a "t" and ends with "urds"

Lord Humphrey

p.s. My secratary Bumstead took the liberty of writing my last message, while I lay passd out after a night of debauchery. I sincerely apologize for his mistake of using his own signature. He has been duly flogged for his error.

Well, well Dear Thunderguts... No need to defend your servant... We all know good help is hard to find... I always misplace mine in the stangest places...

You beeing an educated man... An Eton Boy... Must shurely like this little thing about the Danish Prince...

There once was a prince like no other
Whose father was killed by his brother
His girl friend went mad
when he murdered her dad
And his uncle then poisoned his mother

Well, The uncrowned king of the silly buggers society Hamlet has once again reared his demented head. The play in itself is total brilliance etc. etc.

BUT...back to Scotland. What I intend to show you next is a lengthy and repetitive little song about sheeps, alcohol and mothers all in a scottish perspective. I hope you enjoy it, and don't give up too soon.

Lord Humphrey 'Thunderguts' Dagenhurt

Scotland's Depraved

Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm feelin' frisky mother,
Bring out the sheep, I'm so lonely tonight.
Bring out the sheets of rubber, bring out the peanut butter,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!

Chorus
Tall and in gallant shame, Scotland me mountain hame!
Tall may the heads of Englishmen wave!
Land of the hieland whiskey, Land of the Golfer's tee
Land of my heart, always, Scotland's Depraved!

Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm feelin' thirsty mother,
Bring out the sheep, I'm feeling horny tonight.
Bring out my younger brother, I'll have no other lover,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!

Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm soooo thirsty mother,
Bring out tha sheep, I'm feeling kinky tonight.
Bring me my little sister, LORD KNOWS I've *really* missed her,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!

Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm feelin' frisky mother,
Bring out tha prize ram I'm so horny tonight.
When I'm all done with humpin', then we'll all feast on mutton,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!

Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm so thirsty mother,
Bring out the CheezWhiz I'm so kinky tonight.
Lord knows I really wanna bring out tha Greased Iguana,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!

Down in the fields of heather, bring out the whips of leather,
Whip me most soundly lassie and hear me rave!
Doon whar th' streams a'windin', bring out tha ropes fer bindin',
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!

Hark, when tha night is fallin, Hear! Hear! tha Scotsmen farting,
Loudly and proudly fartin' doon through tha glens!
Doon whar tha shepherd's sleepin', Hear! Hear! the sheep a'bleatin',
'Fraid they're goin' to be raped by Hielander men!