h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is the official pre-entry forum about four disfunctional super heroes.
I'll start this thread and describe myself.

I am the Matrix Mage... and around my nobody is afraid... I may be the biggest coward in the world... I came here from another dimension where I was quite successfull wisard, and I maid a carrier out of beeing a coward...

So The Band is composed of four incompitent individuals The Mage, Thunderguts, Tosser (I wonder about his special skills), and Squeeky Doors

So guys and girls start writing...

The Mage

I the ever vigilant fighter of justice and the freedom to act like a git in family festivities am here!

My skills are composed of three elements: a sturdy rump, a steady diet of curry and beer (or anything in a glass with a coaster beneath) and halitosis potent enough to demobilize a herring.

I wish I could fly, but I seem to be more talented in rambling on and on about something or the other and use this to much effect on super villains like Barmy Aunts and Catatonic Grannies. Kneel before me you feeble weaklings! I am your lord and MASTER!! BWAAHAHAHA...

(A shout is heard in the background)
What? Yes mother, yes! I'm sorry, I'll clean up my room. Yes, and I'll throw out those dirty magazines. I've been a naughty lad, yes I know. Yes, I'll stop holding up the phone...

Erm, me mum just told me that I'm not supposed to hang around in front of the computer all day and spend all my money on filthy mags.
What? Oh, yes, and I was told to apologize for wasting your time. I'm sorry.

Lord Humphrey 'Thunderguts' Dagenhurt

Well I guess being the only female in this group I will have to keep these lads in line. I am Squeaky Doors, seeker of truth, but every one lies to me. Even when I tie them up with my magical laso, they tell me lies... the dirty sods! they are always lying to me, and they never call when they say they will and the buggers never....oh... sorry.. where was I...
Did I mention I was "breathtakingly beautiful?" Well I am... but I suffer from low self-esteem, probably due to the crowd I hang out with and because men are always lying to me (throws something against wall that looks like a voodoo doll, walks over, picks it up dusts it off, and adds another pin) Did I mention I was beautiful?

***An update on the Mighty Thunderguts***

(curtains are raised)

(Lord Humphrey's private secretary, R.R. BUMSTEAD walks on stage)

- R. R. BUMSTEAD:
It has been revealed by none other than Madame Squeaky Doors (A genius if I ever met one) that poor Lord Humphrey is a "veggiephile"...

But wait a minute, he isn't abusive and loves the little green things like they were his children. NO! wait a minute, this is all coming out wrong...I'm not saying he likes small boys, no, hang about...He likes small boys. He gives them candy and such and such. But NOT that KIND of "candy" Real candy, like lollipops and such. No Not that Kind of lollipops. and not exclusively small boys. Small girls get candy too. But not...Oh deary me...I seem to have made quite a mess of things.

(Suddenly a loud noise is heard and a wall behind Bumstead crumbles to bits as the Amazing THUNDERGUTS crashes into the scene armed with a large lettuce head and some carrots)

- R. R. BUMSTEAD (cont.)
Ah, Master Dagenhurt, you've arrived.

(Thunderguts punches Bumstead into oblivion)

- THUNDERGUTS:
ARRHHH, well you worthless toe rag, I've had enough of your codswallop. Behold the MIGHTY THUNDERGUTS! I am now wearing my special Veggie suit, and I've got more tricks in my pockets than Batman on a good day.
- (he makes some kind of a complicated signal with his hands)
I am here to right the right and wrong the wrong and a lot of bits in between, you know those annoying bits that get stuck between your teeth and make you look a right arse when you smile!

(A THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE is heard as Thunderguts bends a bit forward and gives a loud exhalation, The CROWD is going bonkers)

- THUNDERGUTS (cont.):
I am now off to some foreign country to depose one of those evil dictators, and I'll be back before you can say "flatulant git".

(Thunderguts jumps into the air, and falls embarassangly down in heap. An assortment of various vegetables falls out of his suit. He stands up and stares off stage)

- THUNDERGUTS (cont.)
- (whispers aggressively at someone off stage)
Pull the cables you dolt!! Pull the Cables!

(suddenly Thunderguts is flung into the air in an awkward position, and with a loud noise and shedding of carrots he is swung off stage. He swings momentarily on stage again, then off again.)

(Curtains fall, then bulge for a minute as thunderguts swings into them)

From the Matrix Chronicles

Anno 1999

For two weeks I have roamed this godless planet. "Earth" they call it, a miserable sphere consisting of more than 70% water. I must say 30% does not constitute as much of a earth in my opinion. I fear the gods have foraken my. My spells have mostly stopped working. Those who still work produce less than desired effects. I tried to cast the simplest of spells a fireball the other day (that cat was getting on my nerves) and I ended up throving a big cotton ball at the cat. The cat was needless to say ecstatic and now I've lost all hope of ever shaken that litle lion.

I fear constantly beeing found out… I've found some arcane scrolls detailing a group I must avoid at all cost. The call it the Inquisition… I tell you they scare the bejesus (a "earth" term) out of me. They'll never take me alive. I'll probably die of terror before they take me. I've tried locating other magicians on "earth" but they seem all a fraud, charlatans, chisellers or vorse yet illusionists. A abysmal profession if I've ever known one. I reacently found book by "earth" most respected (and detested as I found out) sorcerer. Crowley was the fellows name, he has past away but strangely enough one can procure his work in allmost every bookstore on "earth". What kind of master of the arts so openly reveals his secrets? I read some of his work and he must have left some key elements out because I couldn’t get even the simplest spell to work.

I fear if the gods don’t take pittance over a humble servant I'm doomed to walk this barren world… Missery and inevetable loss of sanity is shure to follow. The girls are nice here though.

But I refuse to sell my dream down the river. I know in my heart one day I'll get home.

Matix Mage

That is sooooo depressing! Why don't you just have a drink and chill out? Sure this place is a sad little mud ball with very little sophistication, but hey, it'll be a hoot!! The beer is good, and the locals are amusing!
PS. advice while on earth: Never get in the path of a lit cat.

(curtains are raised)

(We see before us a desolate city landscape, burning cars and poorly built houses. We hear a loud CRASH off stage, suddenly THUNDERGUTS comes swinging into view, and then out of view as he soars off stage at the other end and we hear another loud CRASH. A lone figure with a mask, a towel cape and a silver plate runs from where Thunderguts came. This is BUM BOY. Thunderguts sidekick.)

BUM BOY
(to Thunderguts)
Sir, are you all right?

(Thunderguts comes staggering on stage, giving out a few fragmentary blasts from his behind with each step)

THUNDERGUTS
No worry my trusty sidekick, I'm as right as the pair of cuffs on the lucky tart I left in some hotel room or the other!

BUM BOY
(To audience)
Well, we are here to fight some things. I have absolutely no idea what or why, but alas, that is the life of the sidekick.

THUNDERGUTS
(to himself)
Was it the Hilton? No, that was the Lebanese Goat. The Holiday Inn? No wait, that's not it...PHWOOOAAAR!!

(He jumps a bit into the air as literally a fire BURSTS from his pants)

BUM BOY
(aghast)
Erm...Sir, you're supposed to say the next line.

THUNDERGUTS
(busy with putting out the fire in his trousers)
What was that Bumstead? Oh right! Here I am again, THE MIGHTY THUNDERGUTS. I've just arrived from a small island in the pacific where I foiled a criminally masterminded plan. By some criminal mastermind or the other who had something crimally masterminded planned!

BUM BOY
No you didn't, you were partying naked at The Parrisimo Inn with some Playboy bunnies!

THUNDERGUTS
That's where the lucky tart is!!!

(he punches Bum Boy senseless and the crowd CHEERS)

THUNDERGUTS (cont.)
I was in the pacific so, you insolent git! Well my trusty followers, here I am, and the Good City Bottomville will enjoy my protection!

(A THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE. Suddenly, a super villainish fellow jumps on stage. The Crowd Booos.)

THUNDERGUTS (cont.)
Dear Lord, RECTAL PROPE, my ARCH NEMESIS!!!

RECTAL PROPE
ARrrh, Thunderguts, you thought you got me at the Palooka, byt you were wrong, wrongedy worngedy wrong ha ha ha...
(he starts singing silly childish tunes to himself)

THUNDERGUTS
No I wasn't!

RECTAL PROBE
Yes you were!

THUNDRGUTS
NO I WASN'T.
(He takes out a trick carrot. The Crowd goes OOOHH!)

THUNDERGUTS (cont.)
Take that!
(Throws the carrot)

(suddenly Rectal Probe takes up a badminton racket and slams tha Carrot back at Thunderguts)

RECTAL PROBE
No, You take it!

(Suddenly Bum boy soars into action, jumps on the carrot and takes the full force of the blast)

THUNDERGUTS
NOOOOOO!!

(he kicks slightly into the prone body of BumBoy)

THUNDERGUTS (cont.)
Well, can't be helped. Rectal, up for some sherry at the Social Club?

RECTAL PROBE
Well, why not.

(Hand in hand they walk off stage singing "Somewhere" from "West side story". Roses are tossed in their wake and a thunderous clapping and shouting is heard from the audience)

(curtains fall)

Trick Carrot?

eeermm...yes. A trick Carrot.

I'm sure that in your experiences as a woman you have encountered such things. You put some batteries in them and they go brrrrrrr. Actually, come to think of it, they don't really look like carrots, but they serve the same purpose.
The reason it exploded is because all things that are thrown explode. Take my hamster for example. I threw it once and I was suddenly blinded by a bright light. I have never found him again. Of course you should not throw hamsters, now I know.
This is exactly the reason why I don't play basketball. And when I do, I try to get rid of the ball as quickly as humanly possible. Actually, It would be interesting if on NBA, the ball itself were triggered so that if the shooting time runs out, it will explode. Making an interesting contact sport.

well, enough of my blabber...

LORD HUMPHREY

Great! I get to be a staight man...er..woman for your stand up vegetable humor. I definatly think you are spendng much too much time at the salad bar!

You're just jealous!

Aside from that, how much money would you pay to see me prostate myself...exactly. I've got a cucumber co-actor that would do the job with me for peanuts. Or just a splash of water really.