h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No…No…No! This is not about your average screaming, bomb-throwing, career type external crazy. This is about REAL Domestic terrorists. (Military types can casually heel-toe off to the shoot-‘em-up-bang-bang forums) The terrorists I’m talking about are those malevolent mischief-makers that ooze through the window cracks, and sneak in through the back door when you’re not looking. We’ve all had ‘em. Those fiends from hell who the minute you take the lid off the frying pan, spit a million little red hot devils into your face, causing a chain link of kitchen oriented disaster. Cooking in a welding helmet thereafter becomes the norm. Then there’s Beelzebub himself. After poking my finger into the sink thingy-chasing turbo charged potato peelings- I was stuck there for an hour and a half, dying to go to the loo, waiting until Beloved got home with his toolbox full of attitude adjusters to deal with this satanic spawn from the sinks and sewerage department.

Well last week a new one moved in. Breathing in the smell of freshly laundered sheets I proceeded to change the bed. Flinging the sheet into the air to see how accurately I could land it this time, this new Belial from Below, having ensconced itself in the ceiling fan, snatched the sheet and then held on for dear, well, whatever Belial holds dear. Racing to the switch I turned off the fan and sat on the bed watching the sheet wad up into a tangled mass on the stem of the fan. As a corner of the sheet mockingly fluttered like the triangular flag of a small country that can’t afford a big flag, an insanely gleeful chuckle emanated from above.

“Gotcha”

I’m throwing an exorcism party. Does anyone know a good Shaman?

Oh yes, I know them well! (Yhe gremlins, not the shamans).

You need to pray to the God of Everything Inanimate but which are really Animate.Make sure you offer up a sacrifice of your blood(the sort where you nearly slice the top of your index finger or thumb is the best as that is the most likely to hurt for a week).Also the next time you lose the knife,spatula,fish slice that you had two seconds before,offer up a quick prayer or you will take ten minutes of your life locating it but won't find it until the next day.Above all never offer violence to or swear at said diety as you will probably find yourself knocked out and bleeding when the stair carpet mysteriously seems to become animate.

Incog.The whole house is really alive you know.