h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(Hi GB )

We're having a bit of a nightmare at the moment.

For those of you who don't know, Lainey and I are planning to get married out in The Gambia in January. We've been really well-organised; last time we went out there, we met the owner of the restaurant we want to have our wedding breakfast in and sorted out the details; met the GM of the hotel we're getting married in and sorted out costs and details; chose our musicians and worked out how to pay them and so on. We came back with the whole Gambian side sorted out.

Back here, we've planned a reception for everyone who couldn't make it out the The Gambia. It's going to be at a nice, rural pub that (almost) shares my surname, and we plan to have a live band rather than a disco, have a mini-service for the people who didn't come out, and so on.

Our ideas were very clear and simple.

Over the last month, our contacts in Africa have disappeared without trace. We still have no confirmed date for the wedding, and we're at the stage now where if we don't get one very, very soon, nobody will be able to get out there. And our contact at the pub back here hasn't been answering emails either; we still have no actual formal quote, no band, no date.

And we've found that our dreams are unaffordable; we can't have the musicians we want, for example, because they're too expensive. Lainey has always dreamed of being driven to her reception by horse and carriage; well, we can't afford that, and would it work in February anyway?

Yesterday, I started poohing myself.

I've never been into the whole idea of weddings and the charade that surrounds them, but I know for Lainey it's a big deal. I'd bloody well do the extra hours if it meant she could have her pony, you know? But what if I can't even get a wedding date sorted out?

There is a worst-case scenario here that is actually realistic. We get to The Gambia and find out that the registrar can only make it on a date just after all our friends and family have gone home. That would be devastating.

What would we do? I guess, for me, it wouldn't be so bad. I think if that happened, I'd organise a kind of service on the beach; exchange vows, have photos, have the meal, then sign papers at the registry office back home. That's only just occurred to me, which shows there is a kind of catharsis in writing. I'd roll with that, but I'm not so sure Lainey would.

I keep telling her it's 'our' day, but it isn't. It's hers. She's been dreaming about this since she was a child (and, you know, she was a very sweet kid; she learned how to groom ponies from magazines without ever having contact with one, stuff like that); for me, it was more 'well, I suppose I'd better' - I never knew my real father and had a complicated upbringing that taught me marriage was an irrelevance. Understanding what that bit of paper could possibly mean to anyone else took a lot of time, and a lot of wine.

For the first time, I really don't know what I'm doing; but I also know that *you cannot screw it up*.

Normally, this would be fine; I am the uber-organiser, and the Legendary Traveller. If anyone can nail down a third-world bureaucracy (and a second-world seaside pub) to specific arrangments, it's me. But the fact that I'm trying to make Lainey's big day into a dream day gives me an extra weight, and the lack of responses from just about everyone is panicking me. Stuff should be signed and delivered by six months, you know?

Bah

Setting aside that I'm not into all the frills and pomp and circumstance (and will have hell to pay in the immediate future as a result)...

It must be so heartbreaking for Lainey to have her heart set on something and watch it fall to pieces. That's something I'm not unfamiliar with, and it just guts a person. You both have my sympathy and gosh, I wish I could do anything to help.

"I am the uber-organiser, and the Legendary Traveller."

No, mate - you're Skankyrich. The bloke Lainey loves without requiring him to be an uber-anything.

"And we've found that our dreams are unaffordable"

(but don't get the wrong idea).

You won't regret anything that makes it memorable. Somehow the money will turn up. For the time being, try to stick to getting Plan A to work.

On analysis, the main, and immediate, problem seems to be that you are left in the air both by your African and local co-organisers. The uncertainty is hampering your organisation as well as making you unhappy. You should spend today pinning them all down by **phone** to find out if things are going ahead. An e-mail is rather too passive a form of communication in your present state - you send it off and have to wait for an answer. Talk to them, find out the position. Try all the numbers you have till you get someone on the line.

You will probably find that they've been getting on with organising but have omitted to keep you posted. That happens a lot these days.

Let us know how it goes.

Weddings can be a big deal to people, but sometimes it's just as hard when you're the one who wants to make it perfect for the other person. You have to be happy too.

If it's not working out right now, can you scrap the whole thing and start afresh for the next year? With the same places, band, everything, but without that horrid time contraint.

I guess the key thing is to keep talking to Lainey - but I'm sure you're doing that.

Oooh, big hugs to you both - organising weddings anywhere is a nightmare, let alone all the complications that your ideal scenario entails!

I think you've sussed it out already though: have a Plan B worked out.

Hey, Dai and a pile of bikers will be heading for The Gambia next January, so I'm sure they'd happily fill in as wedding guests

Hi Rich

I don't know what I can add to the already-sage advice here. And don't think I should, considering I'm twice-divorced and consider marriage an irrelevance

Just know there's always a shoulder round my place, and plenty of (for me) for you, and a listening ear. Ideas often form while you're talking things through.

I do think you're pretty wonderful though, giving Lainie what she wants even though you'd rather be doing something else. She's a lucky woman

You have my sympathies.

I can't even imagine what it all means to you and especially Lanie, since I considered my own wedding as merely signing some papers to avoid the hassle of having to deal with the 'Jugendamt' (youth welfare office?) in case our child was born to an unmarried me.

"What would we do? I guess, for me, it wouldn't be so bad. I think if that happened, I'd organise a kind of service on the beach; exchange vows, have photos, have the meal, then sign papers at the registry office back home. That's only just occurred to me, which shows there is a kind of catharsis in writing. I'd roll with that, but I'm not so sure Lainey would."

Have you asked her?

My wedding day was organised within 3 weeks, so I didn't have any time to dream up what I wanted. The ONLY thing I asked for was that my dad drove me to the wedding, although you can't really go by my experience cos I didn't get married for the same reason most people do.

Oh dear. That sounds like a lot to go wrong all at once.

It can never be perfect anyway, you know. And the more you try for that, the less fun you'll actually have, from worrying about the details. Is there someone reliable you can delegate to?

(Oh, and for something possibly constructive, because I can totally understand wanting a horse and carriage It will be terribly expensive from *official* sources. But maybe you can find a farmer who's still got a horse and cart hanging around, or someone who supplies horse-based tourist entertainment and would be glad of a bit of work in the off-season. Perhaps if there are some agricultural/harvest festivals soon, you can keep an eye out for something suitable. Many stables have people who drive, too, just as a private hobby.)

Hi Rich,
I would consider Mala suggestions. Maybe there are also some wedding traditions in the area you could consider to follow.

If you want rituals, around February there are some festivals about the beginning of light, at least here. Springtime also has always been a preferred epoch to get married, because of the many symbols about renewal, start and love that it implies.

About dates: you wouldn´t be the first ones in changing the date or other arrangements. It happens a lot. Don´t get so stressed about it.

I´m sure she appreciates your effort to please her. It´s really sweet and tender of you.

The problem comes when we idealize a lot something, it can be frustrating, but surely you both will find a way to sort it out. A way that, if it doesn´t fit the initial dream, at least can be satisfying enough to make that day memorable as she expects it to be.

Mar, I think the problem with changing the date, is that February is when the hotel is closed for a while, which would give most people a chance to attend the wedding.

How wonderful for you that Lainey wants you to be her companion on a day she's been dreaming about since childhood. The bit about her learning to groom ponies from magazines is really very sweet.

The plan as you've envisioned it sounds lovely and memorable in a way that many weddings aren't. I hope that it all works out for you.

You're a good man, Skanky. I don't have any constructive advice to offer but I really hope you get it all sorted out.

Oh, Skanky! What a mess.

You'll manage it, though.

TRiG.

Rich, Oh, dear you are having a rum time One or two things have occurred to me so I will put my in for what it's worth.

Is it the busy season in the Gambia, or a quiet time? Do they have holidays? Might they be not responding because of that? Or do they suffer from 'Manyana' in which case they will see January as a long way off? Is there anyone out there who could contact them face to face for you?

Musicians and horse and carriage. Could any family or friends contribute in lieu of wedding s. I know you want to do this for Lainie yourself, in spite of your own reservations about the pomp and ceremony, but is there any harm in asking for help?

Someone should have a quiet word with her to the effect that she is getting a guy who would move heaven and earth to give her the dream wedding, but what really matters is the guy, not the frills. You can see I feel much the same as you, but girls will be girls and some like fairy tale weddings.

Talk to her as to what would be acceptable as a Plan B. And isn't it better that things go pear shaped now than round about Christmas time? It isn't over till the fat lady sings and she has a big repertoire

Your contact at the pub is within shouting distance almost, yes? So why not go and have a face to face. Might he have left, or be on holiday?

I agree with previous comments - emails are far to easily deleted either by accident or design.

... yet. I am sure things will come right in the end.

Anyone out there with a horse and carriage available in February

You are like me, you want instant replies and everything sorted yesterday when it is important to you, when it is just one of a million things for the other parties involved to which they will attend when they are ready

and keep us posted.

Websailor

>>do they suffer from 'Manyana'<<

In Senegal, we were told it was called West African International Time, or WAIT...

Oooh, speaking of, plenty of horses used for draft work there - maybe you can get one organised in the Gambia as well!

Well I'm not in a position to give advice, so I'll just do what I usually do - ramble and hope that theres something useful in the mix.

In some ways I'm insanely jealous of your position, in others I can completely see what's wrong. I can't tell you anything you don't already know, so I really don't know why I'm replying, other than perhaps moral support and that I hope that you'll find a solution.

That's a short ramble - come back in 10 years time (or find a way to travel in time and meet me then) and I'll hopefully have more useful advice - though by which time hopefully all this will just be a happy memory.

I know someone with a traditional horse & carriage here in Eye Land (I rode in it myself in Edwardian costume, to publicise "My Fair lady" play); it would be cheap to get here, we'd love to see you both, you could honeymoon on romantic damp green hills & i'm sure the locals would adore it all (plus definitely NO shortage of musicians!)

Let me know by email if Lainey would be into this please!

to you both, whatever you decide, she's a lucky woman & you are a lucky man....go for it!

zdt

There's some great advice here, and some nice pithy stuff from those of you who didn't have lots to say. I appreciate it all; though I'm too busy to respond to it all individually, I'm extremely grateful. s to you all - the response here genuinely cheered me up and gave me a second wind.

I particularly appreciate your offer, Terri, but it's a beach in The Gambia or nothing. This *is* going to go the way we planned, for reasons that are about to become apparent.

On Monday, I got an email from the woman who was taking care of our arrangements for the reception back here, telling me that she'd given her notice. I sat with my head in my hands in the office for about ten minutes wondering what the hell was going on; why everything was starting to come apart.

With a lump in my throat (and I'm not ashamed to say, welling up a little), I hit Google. I don't really know why; I wanted some advice, someone to remind what this is all about, someone who knew how to get this whole mad idea back on track.

And I found a post from a bride-to-be on a wedding forum. They're called b2b's for shorthand, apparently, whereas us men are h2b's.

Anyway.

She didn't say very much, but she was replying to a question from someone who was planning to get married in The Gambia. Her tone was nervous but excited, and she had put her dreams in the hands of her 'h2b'; a man she clearly adored, someone she trusted implicitly, someone she *knew* would get everything sorted out. It was the most beautiful piece of loving writing I've ever seen, in fact.

You know who posted that message already, right?

It took me another ten minutes to twig; I was reading it thinking 'wow, this is spookily similar to us, even down to the choice of venue...'

And when I realised it was Lainey, I also realised what the problem was. It was me. I'm too happy to let things ride, to leave things until the last minute, to make excuses for things not being done, to blame others for not sorting out the stuff I should be doing.

'The uncertainty is hampering your organisation as well as making you unhappy. You should spend today pinning them all down by **phone** to find out if things are going ahead. An e-mail is rather too passive a form of communication in your present state - you send it off and have to wait for an answer. Talk to them, find out the position. Try all the numbers you have till you get someone on the line.'

TC's advice hurt, because it's all the stuff that anyone mature and responsible would have done six months ago. I'm an idiot. There's my excuse, right there. 'They aren't replying'. I create a situation where I can say I haven't had an answer because my preferred method of communication is passive (I don't like answering my phone unless I really, really want to speak to the person phoning me and prefer emails where I don't really have to reply straight away unless I want to. In fact, my favourite form of communication is post, because I can ignore them for months without being troubled to respond. Sad, huh?)

If I'm hard on myself, I'd say the problems - financial ones aside - are all of my own making. And if I can create the problems, I can fix them, right?

Add the love in that beautiful little post from Lainey to the realisation that I can't do things in my usual laissez-faire manner and you have a man on a mission.

So, I'm now 90% sure we'll be getting married on 11th January. Our suits are ordered and we've cleared our departure day for The Gambia with work. We have quotes from horse-and-carriage people. My brother has dates for the stag do. Everything has moved one step along in 36 hours. All of a sudden, it's brilliant. I'm excited, and she looks at me lovingly when we talk about the wedding again.

The girl who posted to that forum deserves the best, I reckon. It's about time I stopped moaning and started trying to give it to her.