h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Over the last week or so, I've realised that I'd make a damn good barman.

Most of the time, I'm working in reception and only go in the bar when there's no barman on, in the afternoon for example, or to cover the odd fag break. Although I used to run the bar when I was younger, I've very much moved out of that line of work and tend to view bar work as an inconvenience.

We've had 'Quids In' offers on over the last couple of weeks; guests pay a bit more to come but get their drinks for a pound - a pound! - while they're here. Classic false economy. They're really packed it away, and have kept me busy from 3pm right through until the bar staff come in at 6 on most days.

I'm glad to say I've lost none of it. Our residents' bar is pretty small, so it's quite easy to work on three drinks at a time or be working on two and cashing in at the same time. I found it quite a buzz, in fact; if the first customer only wanted a pint, I found I could still start to pour the next customer's first drink, take the cash from the first customer and sort out his change, and start on the second customer's second drink before the first pint had been poured. On a couple of occasions, I was serving three customers simultaneously, and with banter thrown in free of charge. When a burly Bristolian turns to his table and burrs 'we've got a proper bartender today', you know you're doing ok.

I made pretty good tips, too, and it was a bit of a shame to go back into the office today for a long paperwork session. Putting the bar prices up post-Budget

I'll put you on a three month probationary and see how well you do on a sold-out Friday night

I'm trying to remember how many years I worked as a barmaidbut it was 4 nights of 4 hours a week, my husband used to get home from work around 6pm, I'd dish up his tea then he'd take over the kids routine while I got ready & be at the pub by 7. Christmas 1983 was the best. New baby (Allan, a strapping over 6' now) Laura & Helen both at school, one of them caught chicken pox at school, got over it, then at Sunday football my husband had a bad fall and dislocated his elbowhis arm was in a sling so he couldn't even change a nappy; then all of them (except me & the baby) got chicken pox while the other girl was recovering. I got called in for an extra shift and I was glad to get away. All I can remember from the actual job is stinking of second-hand smoke (we weren't allowed to smoke while working) and my poor aching legs and feet, I used to stagger home and soak my feet while having a well deserved fag. I do instantly recall my wage packet which was £19, which was saved in a special drawer for our holiday at Butlin's, Skegness, every August. Tips? Lucky if I got 50p a night but I make a point of tipping barstaff now, they're always surprised and grateful

I've never found a bar, er, person who'll take a tip. Never mind.

It's something you wouldn't catch me doing I'm afraid. Too complicated! All those people hanging around. I prefer to be on the other side of teh bar.

I worked in the junior ranks bar in the NAAFI when I left school for a while, then in a pub in Bristol while I waited to join up. (only got that job becauset he landlord was ex-RAF and he reckoned if I'd done NAAFI work I must be good - I was only 18 and he was worried I wouldn't cope otherwise)

Lunchtimes were the best, you'd be getting out lunches (collected at the bar, thank goodness), dealing with bar snacks, pouring pints (do people still go to the pub at lunchtimes then back to the office?

I also used to do the telegraph crossword with the landlord and his favourite customer, talk to the Friends of the Earth about how I wasn't necessarily a facist because I was joining the army etc etc

I loved it - but I hated smelling of smoke (even though I was a smoker at the time, I never smoked indoors)

glad to hear you are enjoying yourself Now pass us a

Dafthouse? They pay you to work at a Dafthouse?

It's too good to be true

"We've had 'Quids In' offers on over the last couple of weeks; guests pay a bit more to come but get their drinks for a pound - a pound! - while they're here."

Have I ever told you how I've always longed to visit Devon?

I have never worked at a pub but in a restaurant which was very hard work. I was particularly famous for making the best milk shake in most common flavour's . I have never liked them but from feedback off customers, they were apparently the best they had ever tasted.

I used to enjoy going out a few times a year with my work colleagues for a drink and meal. Unfortunately though, due to me being Agoraphobic, I had to stop going a few years ago, a little time after I left, because of other health issues.

I know that this will sound a little harsh to smokers, but I am pleased that pubs and restaurants have banned smoking inside. Although I rarely go out to pubs or restaurants, I found it very difficult because of suffering from asthma, and quite often had to rush outside for a breath of fresh air .

I cannot drink alcohol anymore either , the tablets provide a strict 'No Alcohol' warning. I have not had a proper drink for years so a couple of pints would probably now send me into a daze .

Nigel